The Thranduil Effect
by K.E.Pennington
Summary: Katheryn, a small town southern girl, finds herself at the crossroads of life and death. She is given the choice of life or Middle Earth. Guess what she chooses...
1. Chapter 1

The Thranduil Effect

 **Disclaimer:** Credit goes to The brilliant JRR Tolkien for the charters Legoas, Elrond, Thranduil, and Galadrial. Many of the history, religious references, and places mentioned in this story belong to him. Credit goes to Peter Jackson for Tauriel. I apologise if I have missed any other character or reference.

The other characters are mine.

Many of the names come from arwen-undomiel .com

I have been working on this for about three years, I hope you enjoy!

 **Note:** Much of what happens in this story is what happened in my own life. In fact, I did write much of what happened to me in this chapter in particular and other parts of this story is true to my own life. I wrote this story to give me meaning. There are tiggers in this story of cutting, rape and suicide.

 **Part One: Chapter One**

I awake to find myself in a white room. The light is so bright, unsure of where I am. My eyes focus and I am in a hospital. I lift my arms up and can feel my wrists hurt. They are bandaged. I WOKE UP. I start to cry because I do not want to be awake. I cut them deep. How did I end up here?

The curtain is open and I can see nurses running around in the hallway. I hear a code blue go off on the loud speaker. I look for the nurses button behind my head, I go to press it but Brín walks in.

"Katheryn! You're awake." He rushes over to my side and takes my hand. I do love this man, but I cause him too much pain. He deserves better. His auburn hair is short, shorter than I like. He is in his work clothes, black slacks and a white button up shirt. My blood seems to stain his chest. I will never be able to get that out. His beautiful green eyes plead with mine. "Why did you do this?"

"You were away on business, you are not supposed to be here." I begin whine.

"I came home early to surprise you. I missed you and wanted to come home. Please Ghrá, tell me why you did this?"

"I can not take what he did to me anymore. It hurts too much." He gets up and closes the glass door and the curtain to the room. He moves my wires over that are connected to my chest and the IV in my hand. Laying down beside me he holds me. I don't deserve this. I wish I did, but I don't.

We married December 14th. A most beautiful day. It was a quick wedding with only a friend that was our witness. Him and I have different faiths, so we had a justice of the peace to do the vows. Marybelle. She was so beautiful, with her dress of green. Yeah, my favourite colour. It touched the floor with long sleeves and a v-neck that showed just alittle. I ordered my dress from England that was off white with long sleeves and touched the floor when I walked. I bought a cloak to go with it. Old and traditional I thought it. I wear only the wedding band since I can't wear the engagement ring at work. It is simple and small, just as I am, with a single heart shaped Morganite stone. The band is so beautiful; white gold with small crescent moons decorating it. I had made my own vows but was too nervous to speak them. I gave them to him later, being that it was in the form of a free style poem.

I am a nurse at Bristol Regional in Bristol Virginia. I wanted to finish out this year before I move to Ireland with him so I could have at least two years of work experience. I just got out of nursing school two years ago. I got a job working in the ER and I loved it. Always on my feet, always thinking and having it challenge me. Then I met Brín. He had gotten stabbed in downtown during a mugging. The doctor was caught up with someone else, so I stopped the bleeding and closed his wound. After that we could not stop talking. I love him with every fiber of my being, but depression has found a place in my heart and will not leave me.

A knock is at the door. "Mrs. Grianna?" Brín sits up on the edge of the bed. He puts up the head of the bed as I lift up to a sitting position. "I am Dr. Mills. I have some test results back." He goes quiet for a moment. "You have some deficiencies since the miscarriage. We will address these things here before we transfer you to a psychiatric facility."

I interrupt him before he could continue. "I want to go home, please do not send me there." I start to cry again. I know how this works, the doctor is forcing me to go into the hospital after a failed suicide attempt. I swallow hard.

"I can not trust that you will go home and not do this again. Your insurance has approved you for Ridgeview Pavilion. We are going to move you in two days. I will come see you tomorrow before we schedule the transport. Do either of you have any questions?" I can only look down. He leaves the room.

"Why did you bring me here Brín?" I can't stop crying by this point.

"Katheryn, I cannot live without you. I need you back." He wipes away my tears with his thumb.

"You can't get me back, he took that from me." He pulls me into an embrace while I cry. I rest my head on his chest and I can hear his heart beat. It calms me, but only for a moment.

Being moved to the hospital pained me the whole ride. I am placed in room 336 next to the window. There is another bed but it seems I am by myself, at least for right now.

"Hi, Katheryn I'm Kayla, your nurse. I will be here until first shift comes in. About six hours from now. You will be meeting with Dr. Hutchinson tomorrow. She is great, don't even worry. We will get you up around seven thirty. Eight thirty is breakfast and at ten is the first group. Do you have any questions?"

"When will I be able to call my husband, and when will he be able to bring me clothes?" I say as my voice starts to crack.

"Since you just made it over here, we usually cut the phones off at nine thirty but I will let you call him. He can bring you whatever you need tomorrow. Make sure to tell him you can have any beauty supplies you need, as long as alcohol is not one of the first three ingredients. You can also have a couple of books." I nod and follow her to the nurses desk.

"Hello?" Brín sounds so tired.

"Hey honey."

"Ghrá, are you okay?"

"Yes I am. I don't want to be here." I give a laugh and he gives one.

"Katheryn, will you please promise me you will do as they say? They will help you if you let them."

I start to cry. "I am sorry." I hold my temples with my left hand.

"What do I need to bring you? When is visitation?" He breaths deep.

I read the paper on the wall. "This unit has visitation from six thirty to seven thirty on Monday, Thursday and Saturday. I need my make up, shampoo, conditioner and some bath soap."

"Do you want the coconut oil body wash? Do you also want those books I just bought you?"

"Yes that will be fine. The Philippa Gregory novel and a notebook with no spirals." My voice sounds shaky.

"Do you want me to come see you tomorrow?" I can hear so much sadness in his voice.

"Yes Honey, I want to see you. I don't know how I will sleep without you tonight."

"I will be there at six thirty. What clothes do you want?"

"Get me my black sleep pants with a couple tank tops." I mouth how many to the nurse that is listening in. She holds three fingers up. "Two pairs of jeans, and a couple shirts. Honey please bring me my black jacket." I start to cry.

"Katheryn, please do not cry. We will get through this. I am not leaving. I love you."

"I don't know if I can get through this." I really don't.

"I will be there at six thirty with all of your things. If you need anything else just call me. I am going to take a sleeping pill a try to get some sleep. Where are they?"

"I keep them in a box on the top self on the right in the closet, do you see them?"

"Yes, I found them. Dream happy dreams love."

"I love you Brín." I choke back tears.

"Tá mo chroí istigh ionat." It's so beautiful when he says that, it truly warms my heart. It literally means my heart is within you.

I lay down and try to sleep. Thoughts just fly around in my head as if there is a tornado in it. All I think about is him. I lost our baby. I know that it is just something that happens in the body but I feel I must have done something.

 **In my dream** :I am running through empty halls with white walls. I run for what seems like hours seeing nothing but feeling immense anxiety and fear. I finally come to the courtyard that is outside of the hospital where the staff has a break area. It is empty as well with dead trees and grass. Brín is standing there on the dead lawn trying to get to me but he can't move. I begin to move toward him but this thick black smoke surrounds me. I implode with feeling immense anguish, until I am nothing. Jerking awake, someone is saying it is time to get ready for breakfast. I go back to sleep. After they wake me up two more times I get a visit by the doctor.

"Katheryn, I am Dr. Hutchinson, will you sit up please?" I sit up on the edge of the bed. She sits in the chair at the desk. "You did not go to breakfast or group, is there anything wrong?"

"I just don't want to go. Just let me sleep." I say with additude.

"It is two-thirty in the afternoon." She sighs, "I need to ask you a few questions." I nod. "Will you please tell me why you tried to kill yourself Monday night?" I just sit in silence. "You talk and we work through this, you can go home sooner."

"I was assaulted four months ago, I had a miscarriage Saturday. So take your fuckin' pick." I feel so tired.

"So you do not want to live?"

"What a stupid question. Just leave." I lay back down in the bed. We do this for two more days. On Saturday she comes back into my room. It seems she never takes a day off. I can only assume she comes in for a few hours to talk with everyone and assess them.

"Katheryn, if you talk to me and try the groups for a couple days we can talk about going home. I know you want to see Brín."

I sit up and breathe deep. "How do I give him something that a man, I had to see at work everyday, took from me?"

"What did he take from you?"

I try to hold back tears. "He took pieces of me that I can not get back. Just let me go home please. I am not going to try to kill myself again. I can't do it to Brín."

"If you start going to the groups and try to participate we can talk about you going home. Maybe even try some medication?"

I raise my voice, "I WILL NOT TAKE ANY PHARMACEUTICALS. If it is not organic I will not take it."

"Okay Katheryn calm down. Brín told me that you enjoy to write. If I give you a pen will you start writing?"

"Yes I will."

She reaches out the pen, "will you go to all the groups tomorrow?" I nod my head. She gives me the pen. "I do not need to know what you write about if you don't want to tell me, but I do ask that you show me that you have written."

"I will."

* * *

 **I begin to write:**

In my dreams I come to you in the night. I share your bed until the morning with the passion of two people so in love. You know me so well. You know where to touch me and how to touch me. You always give special attention to me as you kiss everywhere on my body to claim it as yours. Without even asking you know when to say my name to make me come undone for you. You make my heart shine for you.

To my sorrow every morning I wake to find it was only a dream. A man that only sees me as a guard in his army holds my heart, I wish it were not so. Taurion and I were appointed eight hundred and fifty years ago to take the roll of that which Eruwaediel had done. She had died in battle weeks before the start of Lear. She was the one that would stand beside us in battle. I was so very honoured to have been chosen by My King to help lead his guard. Until that date I had not known I even caught his eye, although I had hoped I did since I met him for the very first time. Ever since then I have tried to live up to her, to his expectations and impress King Thranduil.

I awake this morning to a knock on my door. I rush to put on my dressing gown to hide my night dress. To my surprise it is Tidurian, one of Thranduil's trusted servants.

"Yes Tidurian?" I asked with a bit of annoyance and a sigh.

"Lady Ithilwen, King Thranduil has requested your presence."

"I must get dressed. Will you give me a moment?" I asked with a smile.

"Yes, I will but you know he does not like to be kept waiting."

With a nod I close my door. I sit down in front of my vanity and take a deep breath. Looking out the window at the heavy snow fall of mid winter I smile. I love these colder months where the days get shorter and the nights get longer. This is when I sit in front of the fire and write my fantasies that are inside my head. My most saddening of which are of my deceased daughter, Bellethiel. I truly miss her on days like this.

I am from the line of the Minyar Elves on my mother's side and Teleri on my father's side; which is where I get my silver hair, deep blue eyes, my love for my bow, and my singing voice. My mother gave me my abilities, my pale skin, and taught me of compassion and patience. Oh, how I miss them. I wish they could have met my children, maybe they would be proud of their raising.

I come out of my thoughts with a knock on my door. I brush through my hair to untangle the curls. I look into the small mirror and see that my nose and cheeks are red from the cold. I hurry to put on my corset with my dress of blue. I tie the brown laces on my boots. I then pour a glass of wine and drink it fast, maybe it will help calm my nerves for what is about to come. I open the door seeing Tidurian shuffling his feet. Taking a deep breath, I follow him.

* * *

"Katheryn!" My name brings me out of my concentration. I get up from the desk and hug Brín. I burrow my head into his neck. He is wearing black slacks and a white shirt, he must have just came from work. I take in the smell of his cologne. So very comforting to me.

"I am sorry." I say though tears.

"What is it you are writing?" He asks in genuine curiosity.

"Fan fiction. You know how I feel about the Tolkien Universe. I am writing about the elves." I laugh at my embarrassment.

He begins to chuckle, "I know you very well."

"Her name is Ithilwen, she is to fall in love with Thranduil."

"You do love Lee Pace, do you not?" He continues to chuckle.

"Yes, but she is from the line of the Menyar Elves, it makes since that she will be with the elven king of Mirkwood, even though he is a Silvan Elf. They truly fall in love."

"I am happy that you are smiling. I have not seen this in months." He takes his thumb and traces my lips. He kisses me then asks, "do you feel better Ghrá?" He sits down at the desk. He turns the chair to face me, as I sit on the edge of the bed. He takes my hand.

"Brín," tears fill my eyes once more, "I don't know if I can be happy anymore. There were aspects of me that were taken that, I can't get back."

"Can't," he drawls as he chuckles. Which makes me laugh.

"Don't make fun of my drawl." I sigh, "and I lost our baby. Our beautiful baby, and my heart hurts more than it ever has in my life."

"Katheryn, let us please try to work this out. Time will heal you and I need you to try. I need you." I lower myself onto the floor and lay my head onto his lap as I cry. He takes his finger tips and runs them through my hair. After some time I peer up at him. He wipes away the tears that stain my face. "Katheryn, it will work itself out. I know you do not have a faith, but I do and I have faith that you will heal and then live a happy life. Maybe try to talk to your goddess?"

"You know I don't believe in that anymore." I turn my face away.

"You were happy. Whatever faith you believe in, I do not believe that any creator would allow that to happen. It is the free will that they give us that allows these horrific things to happen. Do not blame the Mother for what one man did."

"I have anger toward her and it will not leave me, I have tried. And you don't even believe in her." I snap.

He evades the attack. "Give it time, it will. Do you know when you will be getting out?"

"I have told her I refuse to take any of the medications, so she said if I start going to the groups, which there are three a day, and show initiative, then we would talk about me goin' home." He nods his head in understanding. "Brín, if I do start to feel better, I do want to start a family. But," I pause, "I need to be stable, I don't want them to grow and see an unstable parent. I did, and I never saw my father. I need both of us to raise them. Promise me that." I look up at him as if I were pleading for my life. And in some way I am.

"Yes, I promise. Then you will try with the groups?"

It is as though I don't speak fast enough and he looks for an answer everywhere on my face. The nurse walks by the door, "you have five minutes. Visitation will be over."

"Yes I will, but I know the groups can not heal my spirit, it will take a miracle." I lean up and kiss his lips as if it were our last. Not with fierceness but with love and a gentleness. I love him with every fiber of my being and yet I still feel he would have a happier life without me.

"Then we will find a miracle." He smiles at me. He stands and walks out.

* * *

 **I begin to write:** I find myself in front of King Thranduil's throne. He is in his black tunic and matching pants. The pants that I love so much; they seem to be tighter than his others. His long hair dresses his shoulders as if it were blond silk.

Suddenly the room is void of others apart from he and I. He makes his way toward me with a stride of purpose. Blue eyes stare down at me as his hands meet my hips. He kisses me rough. He slowly slides his hands down my back side resting them there, pulling me closer to him.

"Ithilwen," brings me out of my thoughts.

"Yes, yes my Lord?" I force out as I stumble over my words. I feel my face and ears burn. He stands up from his throne with his sly smile, silently chuckling. He knows. I feel as though my legs will give way underneath me.

"I have asked you here to speak with you about Fáreryniel's progression with her archery." Fáreryniel is one of his advisor's daughters.

"She is faring well. She seems to have the makings of a long rang archer. She may even be ready by Yávië." I say assuredly.

"I will tell her father." I nod. "Ithilwen, I ask if you will share a meal with me this evening?" He asks softly.

He can see the surprise on my face. The embarrassment of my stare sets in and he gives a chuckle. "As you wish my Lord." I lower my head in a bow.

The rest of my day I spent training all the while wondering why the King of Mirkwood would ask me to share his evening meal.

I leave the training room and head to the bathhouse. I dip my finger into the freezing cold water and heat it. As I slip into the warm water, I immediately relax. I take my lemon juice and sugar mixture and rub it onto the cloth. My mind wanders to Thranduil. He takes the cloth from my hand. Finding his hands rubbing my breasts, his lips meet my neck with the most delicate of kisses. This makes my breath catch. Hearing someone walk in, I come out of my thoughts. I wish that was my reality. I finish bathing unwilling to spend any longer fantasising.

Finally, making it to my room, I look at every dress that I have. I choose my finest green dress, the green of the forest, with brown accents and laces. I put on my boots with nervous hands.

I make my way to Thranduil's privy chambers. Outside I find Miluiel, his most trusted servant and closest friend waiting for me. She escorts me down the hallway to his private dining room. All the doors on this hallway are closed. He must have many fires lit, since it is very warm. His dining table is smaller than I expected, only seating six people. The wall tapestries hung are of blue and gold. Also with his painting is of the entrance to the elven road covered in snow. A most beautiful painting.

"Thank you Miluiel," he says with a smile. She nods and leaves the room. "Ithilwen, please have a seat." I take a seat where he has set a place for me. "How are you this evening?"

"I am well, thank you My Lord." I give him a smile. His servant walks in with a vegetable dish and an assortment of fruits.

We eat in silence until he breaks it, "Ithilwen?"

"Yes, My Lord?"

"You truly have taken to your roll since Eruwaediel has past." He speaks with a serious tone. "Do not think these past years that I have not noticed. You have well surpassed my expectations of you."

"I only do what My King has asked of me." Trying to make the compliment light.

"Do not be so modest Ithilwen, you take up the slack from Taurion. I gave him his position to help you. Yet, all he does is cause you more burden. You continue to take the responsibility when he messes up. You must let me replace him." I shake my head no. "You stay many hours past your usual days to continue to train. When someone does not show up for post, you stand in their place. I have also been told you take the roll of a motherly figure to some of the young elves." He stops and waits for my response.

Nervousness creeps into my voice, "I am there when they do not feel they can go to their own mother and father. Many of them seem to come to me instead of Manwë when in need of healing. They say he is not very nice." I give a laugh. He chuckles in unison. He is the main healer here in the kingdom.

"There is no need to be nervous. I am glad you perform that service for them." I nod my head. I take a bite of an apple and some juice falls down the my the corner of my mouth. Before I could grab my serviette, he grabs his and wipes it away. My cheeks and ears burn with embarrassment at my arousal. He lets out a chuckle. He brushes the point of my ear with his finger, while saying, "no need to be embarrassed Ithilwen," He says my name low and raspy.

Take me, I think to myself. Instead I say, "My Lord, what business have you called me here for?" I said in a even and pithy tone.

He straightened his back. "Ithilwen, I have asked you here to offer you the position of Captain of my Guard. You already perform the role, let us make it official." The sweetest smile appears on his face.

"My Lord, I would be honoured." I breathe out.

"I will let the guards and servants know of your new title." I give a nod. In this moment I see something I have not seen from him, some sparkle, some emotional response toward me. Thranduil does not show much emotion other than crude humour and anger. Since his wife died, he seems stuck somehow in a state of sorrow.

Once I leave the king's presence, I straight way go to Tauriel's chambers. I knock on the door waiting only moments before she opens it.

"Ithilwen, what is it love?" She says sheepishly. She is in her night dress of brown. Just as beautiful as she always looks. My heart begins to beat faster. She brushes her lovely auburn hair off her shoulder and moves aside to let me in.

The fire brings warmth to my skin. Her room is nearly bare. Plain curtains hang in front of the window. A small writing desk sits in the corner next to a small armoire. A small single bed placed on the south wall with plain grey linen.

I take a seat on the edge of her bed as she closes the door and takes her place beside me. I smile a wide smile that I can not hide.

"Thranduil just offered me the official title to be the Capitan of the Guard without Taurion."

* * *

A knock on my door brings me out of my concentration. "Katheryn, I am Rebecca the RN on the floor, it is late. Is everything okay?"

"Yes, everything is fine. I ain't. I am not tired." I do not look up from my pages.

"Can I get you anything? Your chart says you can have Trazadone for sleep. Can I get you that?"

"No. I will not take any medication, so when I am ready to lay down, I will." I finally look up at her.

"Okay." She says defensive.

"Please close the door on the way out." She turns and leaves it cracked. "Bitch," I say under my breathe.

* * *

 **I begin to write:** She smiles at me. "That is exciting. I am glad you are truly happy. I know you have wanted this for a long time." I nod. She claims my lips with hers giving me gentle kisses. She pulls back and rests her forehead on mine. Her eyes ask permission.

I place my hand on the back of her head and pull her into a kiss. She deepens the kiss with her tongue. My belly begins to flutter. After some moments she pulls back, both of us out of breath. I pull her to a stand by taking her hand. Pulling her night dress over her head, I stare at her exposed skin taking her in. So beautiful, so perfect. Taking her by the hips I draw her close. I kiss down her neck causing her to shiver. She loosens the laces on my dress allowing it to fall to my hips. She helps me come out of my corset. Pulling down my dress she allows it pool around my feet. As she watches every move I make, her cheeks blush with a lovely pink. I can feel my body warm in response.

I guide her to the bed. She allows me to take my place above her. I claim her lips once more with a fierceness now. I kiss down her body, showering it with gentle kisses claiming her as mine. I rub her thighs lightly causing bumps to raise.

I take my finger and feel wetness. "All this for me?" I say low and husky with a sly smile. In response she bites her lip. Taking my place beside her, I lightly rub her most sensitive area. She bucks her hips. I place two fingers inside her causing her eyes to flutter open and look at me. Setting a slow rhyme I like, causes her much frustration.

I whisper in her ear, "Do you like this?" Being so immersed in our love, all she can do is nod.

I slide a third finger inside. She lets out a loud moan. Her expression of pleasure causes me to let one escape from behind my lips.

"Please!" Tauriel begs. "Please taste me Ithilwen." I oblige by placing myself between her legs, she is ever so close to release. I run my finger tips over her curves in the most delicate motion. As I trace over her breast, taking in the Goddess' brush strokes on this ravenous canvas Her hand created. I run my finger tips down her side and over her gut. She gasps when I get to her navel. She looks down at my hands in wanting wait. I run them down her hips and thighs getting slower and slower as I move down. Tracing my finger tips down her legs, I pay attention to every detail of each knee. I trace the rounds of her ankles to the bones in her foot. I kiss each of her halluxes before I lick one and then the other, causing her to shutter underneath my touch.

As I kiss back up her legs, she whines in frustration. Her eyes plead with mine as if a child who had wanted a piece of candy. Giving her what she most truly desires, I taste her with the lightest touch. When she whines again, I give in to her wordless plead. I kiss her in the way I know that she likes. Once she reaches release she gives a cry that makes me orgasm as I bite into her thigh.

I rest my head on her gut as she is brushing my hair with her fingers. Once our breathing slows, I join her side holding her. She falls into unadulterated bliss.

* * *

I put my journal under my pillow with my pen and try to get some sleep. The next morning one of the nurses comes around and wakes everyone up. I take a shower, taking the time to wash everything, there is not one piece of skin that I miss. I have to wash everything or I stay dirty, I scrub everything with water as hot as I can stand it.

After fixing my hair and putting on my makeup, I put on my dark pair of jeans and the green button up shirt. Turns out Brín does not know where I keep my t-shirts and only found my dress shirts. Just like a man I think, letting out a short laugh in response. I walk out and group has already started, and I missed breakfast. I walk into the group room and sit down.

"What is your name?" The instructor asks.

"Katheryn." I say flatly.

"My name is Jessica and I am one of the therapists here. We are talking about triggers. Do you know what a trigger is?" I nod my head. "Can you give us an example of one of your triggers."

I look at her with a look of annoyance. I look around the room and see that there at least thirty-five people in this room. It is so small I feel as though it will close in on me. There is a white board behind Jessica. "Putting me on the spot is not going to help my recovery."

"Katheryn, I have to write down that you participated."

I sigh. "Fine, I have many triggers." She looks at me to elaborate. "Small room with a lot of people." I snap. Before she could say anything I get up and walk out. Anger fills all of me. I feel my hands tighten and my face gets hot. I want to hit a wall thinking of my miscarriage. Only, I just walk back to my room and lay down as I cry. One of the nurses follows me in.

"Katheryn, is there something I can do?"

"I want to speak to Brín." I say as I lift my head and mumble through my breaths.

"We usually do not allow people to use the phone during group, can you wait until after group?" Before I could answer the doctor walks in.

"I will speak with her. Katheryn it is Dr. Hutchinson, will you sit up for me?" I lift up and lean my back against the wall. She hands me the kleenexes that are on the table. "I was just told that you went to group and left. Can you tell me why?"

"The rooms are too small for all those people. I can't sit in there and my anxiety be at a level that is tolerable. She asked me a question that I am not ready to answer, no matter how insignificant it was." I dry the tears off of my face.

"What did she ask you?"

"To tell her what one of my triggers are. I told her and then, I thought of my baby."

"Did you give your baby a name?"

"It was too early to know the sex. Just let me go home to Brín, this place is not helping."

"I can not trust that you won't try to kill yourself again."

"Me and Brín talked, and I am going to work on feeling better, we want to start a family. We both know that maybe this is not the proper time, but it will happen. I want it to happen. We plan on moving to Ireland and me getting a job at the local hospital."

"Why did you stop working at your last job? Brín said you should be the one to tell me."

I took a breath and then another. "Five months ago I was working a double and my supervisor decided he would take liberties that were not his to take."

"Are you saying you were raped?" I began to weep at that word.

An ugly word that should never have to be said. A word that should never have been invented because a woman should always have a choice if she wants sex or not. Brín always asks permission. Even the last time after the assault. I thought I was ready and I swear he asked me four times that night. My head may not have been in the right place and I was having flashbacks, but I did feel loved. I haven't been ready to make love to him since. I can't even look at a man's chest without wanting to vomit.

"Katheryn, I am going to need more from you. I can not in good conscious let you go home after an attempted suicide right after a rape and a miscarriage. You refuse to take medication, I can live with that, but I need you to go to groups. I need to you try in the groups. They are designed to help you because they have been tested. I need to see a mood change in you. You refuse to take medication, I am going to need your husband to take responsibility for you. You have to continue therapy outside of here. You will have a harder time than the people who leave here on medication, because the medicine actually helps them raise and stabilize their moods. You have to show me that you want this." She looks at me for understanding. I nod my head and look at her as if I am in some kind of defeat.

"Have you been writing?" I show her the composition notebook.

"Wow! This is a lot in one night. What is it about?"

"A story about my favourite story." I force a laugh. "Geeky I admit, but it brings me joy."

"I am glad that it gives you joy. We have a program called the Intensive Outpatient Program. Do you think you could do something like this?"

"For a little while, but as I said, Brín doesn't want to put the move to Ireland off any longer. He thinks by January."

"I hear you saying Brín wants to go, but do you want to go?"

Yes, maybe I wanted to become a psychiatric nurse, but I hate being on this side of it. Being psychoanalysed pisses me off. "Yes, more than anything. I have always said I want to raise my children there. It is my dream. That is one of the things that brought us together when we were dating."

"Then I need to see you try." All I can do is nod my head. There is nothing more that I can say to her. I want to try to live my life with him and have children but I know that I am not worthy to be his. I am not worthy to be anybody's.

"I made a mistake. If you let me go home, I will not try to kill myself." I say in a whine.

"Then try. Think about giving your baby a name." For the next four days, I did as she asked. I go to all the meetings and I participate when I have something to say, which is not a lot.

Today is Wednesday and Dr. Hutchinson is letting me go home. I have everything packed waiting on Brín to come pick me up. I have not written and I have worked very hard that they see my mood state change even though there was not one.

"How do you feel about going home today?" Dr. Hutchinson asks.

"Thank you for letting me go home, I am very grateful." I say a bit too emotionless.

"Are you sure?" I nod my head and force a smile.

Two hours later, "Katheryn, your husband is here to pick you up. If you follow me out to the lobby." A nurse that I have never met escorts me. I walk out to the lobby and see many empty red chairs. A couple is sitting with their daughter who appears to be about sixteen. She is weeping into her mother's arms. I overhear the therapist talking to her about detox. Turning my attention to the right, I see Brín smiling at me. I smile at him with all the energy I can muster. He grabs the bag from me with a kiss on my cheek.

The car ride home, I say nothing to him. I can only trace the curves and shapes of the cars and sign posts. I have always hated this car. He is leasing a BMW suv and I hate it.

I walk in the door and he starts with asking me questions. He has changed around the living room. My couch that I picked out is forest green. It looks just as nice as the day I bought it. I was already renting this house when I meet Brín. I see he has put some flowers on the dining room table. White roses, my favourite! I am being overwhelmed and I can only hear this noisy silence pervade the space around me. I want to scream! "Katheryn love," startles me and I jump, "I got you this." He picks up a black box off of the table. As I open it, I lay eyes on the most beautiful necklace I have ever seen. It has a raw diamond in it. Raw stones, I love since they are in their natural form and have the most energy. I immediately hug him with a kiss on his lips. I should feel something more from this, other than just cared about. But I don't, and now I feel horrible.

"It's beautiful honey! I will put it on after I lay my things down." Walking down the hall I see the picture I have hung up. A beautiful painting of the Irish shoreside of Dingle. It does not give me the same feeling as when I bought it. Walking into the bed room, I see everything is immaculate; it has all been straightened and dusted. Something I have not done in months. Brín was getting upset about me not cleaning. I sit down on the bed and run my hand along the cold comforter. Laying down on the bed, I smile at the softness of it. I have not had good sleep in weeks, yet I know I will sleep soundly tonight. He lays down next to me as he pulls me close. I feel a gentle kiss on my hair and my body warms. I want to feel him run his hands along my body. I don't have the energy to love him, so I just fall into his embrace.

After dinner Brín takes me to bed. He claims his side. The right side closet to the door. He reads for a while then falls asleep. I toss and turn until I know sleep will not take me tonight. I pull out my note book and copy everything onto my computer. It is nearly two thirty and I decide to continue to write.


	2. Chapter 2

**I write:** **Chapter T** **wo**.

A fortnight later I find myself on the balcony at the east side of the city. I love this side of the city. I get to see the sun rise and the moon rise. Thranduil must walk by this balcony to get to his privy chambers. This hall connects three other halls, and yet there is not a lot of rooms in this section of the city. My chambers are also on this side. On this night the moon is full, so big and bright. I can do nothing but take in its majestic beauty.

I hear foot steps from behind me, I straighten my back. "May I join you?"

"If you wish my Lord," I say from over my shoulder.

"What a lovely sight the moon is tonight." He says with an unfamiliar inflection.

"Yes, the moon is quite beautiful." I turn to look at My King. His blue eyes shine in the moonlight. He seems to be watching my every movement.

"Green on you is quite befitting." His composure unwavering.

"Thank you." I say in more of a question than a statement. I then realise that I am still in my uniform.

"Ithilwen, it is only a compliment. Do not be so critical." He gives a smile.

The next night I find myself on the balcony. I light the torches on both sides of the doorway. I have had a hard day, from the new trainees and Taurion yelling at me. I have a hard time dealing with my emotions, when I need help with something and Taurion tells me it is a woman's job, that he WILL NOT DO IT! Not to mention he usually leaves after I ask him to hold a post. This is only lately, in the past twenty years. It seems that Elves take their time getting around to problems, or even to opportunities. I have promised myself that I will try to do this less often and not just deal with or without what ever it may be. I do not want to get Thranduil involved, but I need someone who is reliable. I have decided I will go to Legolas first with this; I had spoken with him in passing this morning.

I look up to the cloudy night sky. Unable to see the moon, I focus on the beautiful snow covered trees. I love when the snows blankets the ground. When my children were young they enjoyed to play in it. With Bellethiel, my second daughter and Erutáron, my late husband gone: which were taken in a battle long ago with man, Ilowen my third daughter who I was carrying at the time of the battle. Rúmil, my second child, they all live in Imladirs besides Aùdryiel and Ilowen. We do not spend much time together as a family these days. I must make time for them. I do regret not being at the battle with them. Erutáron refused to let me go. I regret listening to him, maybe there was something I could have done to protect them.

I thought he was the one, and I knew I loved him, or I thought I did. We made a mistake. It is very uncommon that elves made mistakes on love, but it has happened. And it did. Not long after Rúmil was born, he found the one that held his heart.

After Áudryiel was born out of wedlock, a man had to take her as his child to be available to marry. Ertuáron took on the role of father for her. We knew one another since my father trained him in archery with me. We did in fact come to care for one another very much, but our marriage was not one out of love. We did try, but always regretted it.

"It is quite a pleasure to find you here this evening." I look over my shoulder with a smile. Unsure if he could see, but I set my eyes back on the scenery. "Is this now our meeting spot?" He asks while chuckling.

"If you wish it My Lord." My voice unwavering.

"I most definitely do wish it my Lady Ithilwen." I do not look away from the sight. With reproach he demanded, "Ithilwen! You look at your King when he is speaking to you." He did not say it loud or with anger, but with a stern tone. For whenever he was around, I would give him all my attention. But tonight I was filled with anxiety, from my thoughts of the distaste I had for Taruion.

I turn to him. Having anger toward Taruion and sorrow over Bellethiel, I am brought to tears. "I am sorry my Lord. My mind is filled with other thoughts. Please forgive me."

"You are forgiven." His tone softens. "What upsets you so?"

"Bellethiel has been on my mind these past weeks. I am filled with much sorrow. I can not handle the stress of Taurion at this very moment." My knees feel weak. I lean on the wall of the balcony. Even though it was so long ago, I still miss my daughter just as the day they brought her body home to me.

"Then you must not. He will be dealt with. As for your grief, I can not help you, but I can keep your mind off of it, or I can try." His words make me smile. "Where is it you would like to be?"

"Apart from being with Bellethiel, I would have to say, Imladris." I regain my composure.

"You wish to be away from here?" I felt a sadness from him.

"Only in times of strife. I fell in love with the way of the land. It brought me comfort when I had none. I gave birth to my children there. That is where Rúmil and my grandchildren are." His countenance changed. "My Lord, this is my home." I say this as if I was giving my heart to him. "This is where my heart will always be, even if I would ever go back to Imladris. In all this, I do not wish to leave you." I stop for a moment shocked that I let the last sentence escape my lips. My cheeks begin to burn. He only smiles.

I hear his next thought. "Why would she say that? What does she mean? It is adorable that she gets embarrassed. All I can do is smile once my embarrassment leaves me. "Her smile is so beautiful, her dimples show." I blush yet again. I believe he is unaware that I have this ability. It seems all he knows is of my healing gift.

I am held within his gaze. I look into his eyes seeing that same sparkle I saw at our evening meal. I wish that he would grab me by the waist, pull me close and kiss me. He instead rests his shoulder on the wall. Taking my place beside him, "Thranduil, I wish to tell you my feelings toward you. That you hold my heart; for years it has been so. You are the only man I have ever truly loved." Instead I say with nervousness, "My Lord, I am very grateful that you grace me with your presence this evening." I give him a smile.

He looks down his nose at me."I get the impression that you were going to say something different. But it is that I am grateful to be spending these times with you. If this is where you choose to meet, I would ask that you grace me with your presence most nights." I smile at his words, for they give me hope. He smiles and I feel contentment from him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three:**

For the next one-hundred years, many of our nights ends like this. He made a rule that we would not speak of court matters. He told me of his past and his beliefs. The hopes and dreams he has. I got to know who he is, this made me love him all the more. He got to know me. He got to know my children as well. He tells me quite often I talk of Áudryeil, and Ilowen.

* * *

"Katheryn, did you sleep?" Brín's question startles me knocking an empty glass onto the floor. I look over at the clock and see it is nine in the morning.

"No darlin', I couldn't sleep. So I have been writing." I drawl as I look over my shoulder.

"Did it help you feel better?" He asks as he chuckles.

"For a few moments." I look down at the floor.

"What would you like to do today?" He asks as he turns my chair placing his hand on mine.

"I don't know, but I am gonna go for a run." I drawl. "You can join me if you like."

"You are so cute when you drawl your words." He chuckles. "I will join you if you would like."

"Brín you can do as you please. Either way I will go for a run." I snap. I did not mean to sound so hostile and I am not sure why it did that. But he was giving me the option of telling him what to do. I am not that kind of woman. As a matter of fact, I don't try to control any one, and I expect the same in return. "I will not tell you what to do, so you decide." I see his lovely, cheerful expression change. I felt as if I were a disease causing his heart to break. With every word that I said made the crack wider and deeper. With my hands at my side, I lay my head on his chest and begin to cry. I feel unworthy, weak, and incomplete. As if with the rape, he took pieces of me that will never be fixed. They can only be patched, like a burn, you take skin from other places of the body and try to make the burns heal. They never do, they only scar. When I lost my baby, my soul yet again was ripped open. The universe took my joy, love, patience and my hope. It is all gone and I am not sure anything can bring it back. I get up and walk toward the bathroom, but change my mind and turn back to him.

I see his expression change, maybe to disappointment, or possibly pure sadness? My heart hurts to see this. My eyes fill with tears as I walk closer to him, he opens his arms welcoming me into his embrace. I place my hands on his chest laying my head on them. I cry into them as he runs his fingers around the curve of the back of my head and kisses the top of it. He knows I am hurting, he knows that my life has been put into the blender. I think I should talk to him, ask him how he feels; I just say nothing.

The thought of running now leaves my mind, "Brín, can we go see a movie? Or possibly go shopping?" I peer up at him.

"If that is what you wish to do. But shopping? Your shopping is online." He chuckles as I show annoyance.

I turn to the bathroom that is adjoining to the bedroom. I stop and turn around as I think of what the doctor had said, "Brín, I want to name our baby."

"Okay, then we will find a name." He smiles as if it is something he wanted to do to, which warmed his heart. "Have you thought of a name?"

"Saoirse." I say flatly. I turn on my heels and enter the bathroom.

He stands in the doorway, "that is a beautiful name Ghrá. Are you sure we were going to have a girl?"

Turning on the shower, the sound of the pipes cause me to jump. I turn to him as I take off my shirt. "No Brín I will never be sure what our baby was going to be, but I know I want to give it a name." I snap at him with a force in my voice that actually scares me. I just sit on the edge of the tub and cry. "I'm sorry," I say into my hands.

He holds me as he just says, "Chuisle. Stór." It means pulse and my treasure. When he first called me pulse I thought it very odd but now it is a beautiful word that he calls me sometimes.

"Ghrá," I say into his chest. But I am not sure if he heard me. Love, truly a beautiful word that can mean so many different things. Love defines us as a species. It means that we are sentient; all things alive feel love. It is what makes us who we are, it is what makes us feel alive. We need it in all aspects of life to just be okay. For me this is what it means. Love is: Someone who will not just yell because they want to. It is when someone who can hold me and I feel safe. Brín knows I am strong, from the nightmares of my childhood, but he still treats me as if I am a fragile piece of the most beautiful Mosaic glass he has ever seen. Love is when someone touches you with a delicate grip that you can pull away from if you need to. It is when you say no and they stop whatever it is they are doing and ask if you are well, without being angry. Love is when you have your back to someone and you can trust them, give them all of your trust and they never mean to hurt you. Simply, this is love.

"Katheryn are you going to get into the shower? Can I turn the water off?" He asks me as he pulls back to see my face.

I sigh, "I don't know." I look at the floor as he reaches around me to turn the water off.

"Come on," Brín says as he grabs my hand reaching for my shirt. I allow him to lead me. Taking me through the bedroom, all of a sudden the room changes. It is now made of stone with a fire lit. Then I am back just as quickly as it changed.

"Brín did you just see that?" I say very panicked.

"No, what did you see?" He turned around with a worried look.

I am contemplating if I should tell him what I just saw, but I realised he might try to put me on medicine or worse, away. "Just a big spider." I say with a forced laugh.

He looks at me very skeptical and keeps leading me. He has me sit down on the couch while he grabs a movie from the cabinet. I put my shirt back on. When he turns on the tv, it is the Hobbit! I love this man! I started to laugh at him.

"Are you truly laughing right now? I am willing to suffer through this for the millionth time and you are laughing." He has annoyance in his voice with a look of amusement on his face as he turns to me.

"How dare you say that about the Hobbit." I say with my hand on my chest as if I am truly offended. "One does not suffer through the Hobbit, you simply enjoy it on the edge of your seat the whole time. "Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky, seven for the Dwarf-lords in halls of stone, nine for Mortal Men, doomed to die, one for the Dark Lord on his dark throne. In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."

"Did you really just quote that?" He begins to laugh. I nod my head in a proud manner. "Ghrá that is the first line in the Lord of the Rings, not the Hobbit."

"Cheeky are we? And you know that line. Talk some more shit." I laugh.

"Of course I know the line. You make me watch it all the time. Like a child who has to watch it everyday." He presses play and the movie starts.

"Brín?"

"Yes a chuisle?"

I smile at that name. "I have a passport. Can we not just leave? Move and apply for a work visa while I am there? Do I even need one since we are married?"

"If that is what you want. What about your family?" He ignores the question.

"Brín you know how I feel about them. I have not spoken to any of them in nearly a year. I ain't gonna tell them." I say annoyed at the fact he would even ask that.

He kisses my cheek. "Please Katheryn, do not ever change. I love that." My cheeks grow flush. I move to straddle his lap with clumsiness. I knock his chin with my hand.

"Oh darlin', I am sorry." I kiss his chin, as if it would stop hurting. He rubs up my back with both of his hands. Pulling me close, I burrow my head into his chest.

Months go by and I seem to come out of my depression slightly. Enough to allow Brín into the shower with me. I need him more than ever now. I find it hard to sleep without him. Only with him holding me, it gives me the security I need to allow myself to dream. I have not been physically intimate with him since I got pregnant. I truly was not ready then but I wanted him to feel as though everything was alright. I want to love him in that way, but I am scared.

I have been getting ready for the move. He has a house from his parents before his mother moved into the city. It is right outside of the city of Dingle on the coast. I have seen pictures and it is a beautiful place. Maybe this will be different and this can be a fresh start for me. I need this just as much as he does.

When I went on vacation with my mother and father in high school I fell in love with the Irish country side. I stood on a ledge overlooking the ocean and thinking I am home. My heart never left. It stayed on that cliffside and knew that my happiness was there. Now I am going back and I will be there to stay. I am so very happy to be leaving with him. I am going home! We sent some of our things to his mother weeks ago, things we can't live without.

I have a set of three suit cases and a carry on bag with my computer and a change of clothes. He has the same, only he bought me green ones. He bought me a luggage tag that says 'not all those who wander are lost.' I love this gift.

When we get to gate twelve he pulls me aside. "Chuisle," I give him my full attention. "Home is behind, the world ahead, and there are many paths to tread, through shadows to the edge of night, until the stars are all alight." He laughs.

"You memorised that for me?" I am so excited. "You have made my day darlin'!" I know these things he does for me seem trivial, but they mean the world to me. These small things he does is to show me loves. He loves me. Tears form in my eyes. He was not this sentimental before the rape, but he must know that I need them I need him doing these things for me. I need him.

"Your face, it is so cute." He kisses me with a light touch, as if we had not kissed at all. "I thought it would help ease your nerves, since you needed to take that Xanax."

"I will be okay when I get on the plane and can relax. You know I don't like them." He takes my hand and gives the stewardess our tickets and we walk in.

We sit down and I immediately grab his hand. "We just got on the plane, there is no need to be apprehensive. Nothing is going to happen."

"So you say," I snap. "We have three stops."

An hour later we take off. When we get to an altitude that we can unbuckle and walk around, Brín gets out my computer. "Write for a while it will calm your nerves."

* * *

 **I begin to write:** On this particularly warm night in the middle of Laer, "you try to protect them too much. I tried to do this with Legolas, just as you are doing with Ilowen," he says, "all he did was rebel against me. This is what she is doing. She loves what Erutáron did, and what you do. She is a protector by nature. She got it true my dear Ithilwen. Let her do this. I almost lost Legolas, do not stop her from learning her sword and bow."

All I could do was agree with him. I found that Fáreyniel was teaching her without my knowledge anyway. Who too has gotten good with her blocking. She is very good with her sword as well. "As for Áudryeil, you do try to shield her too much. What happened to you should never have happened to a woman, but she is strong. She has you for a mother. She is the embodiment of you Ithilwen. Except her red hair." He chuckles. "She has your beautiful blue eyes." He looks into them, "I have never noticed that they were so dark before. Almost like the sea." He smiles at me, then begins to frown. "I know Ithilwen what happened. We all know what happened, but I hope that one day you will be able to tell me yourself." I had never heard Thranduil speak to me in this manner.

"My," I pause. "Thranduil, I would never wish this on anyone, even for you to hear. If you wish me to tell you I will. But that is for another time." I breath deep, "I know you are not supposed treat any one child different than the other, but I do treat her different. I see her as this young girl that I have to save, no matter how old she gets. I have to protect them from men who do these evil acts," I look down.

"Ithilwen," he uses the crook in his finger to lift my chin. "She is not a lost girl that you have to save. For you have already saved her, you saved yourself. You raised a strong woman because you are strong. You are one of the toughest women I know. I speak not of physical strength, but of will of mind and strength of heart. This is why I have you in the position that you are in now." His words bring me to tears. He cups his hand over my cheek and wipes them away with his thumb.

"Thranduil," I say between breaths.

"Yes?" He inclines his ear to me.

"I have to come to care for you deeply." I peer up at him.

"As have I, you," he says with a smile that I will never forget.

After Tharndiul's words I have decided that he was right. I do my best to let go. Áudryeil, I can not fully do this. I now help her strengthen her archery skill and spend more time with her to learn her healing. She is a natural healer just as I am.

I am cleaning up the training room after a long day. Deep in thought about Belletheil, it seems this is taking much longer than I anticipated. From behind me I sense Áudryeil. I do not know when she walked in, I was too deep in thought. "Mother, may I speak with you?"

"Yes, love what is it," I say as I turn to face her. She is so beautiful. She has the most beautiful bright red curly hair, and she has my blue eyes. Her curves copy mine.

"It's Beriadan!" She expresses worry. Beriadan is an elf that in recent years Áudryeil has befriended. Since he has lost his parents, I have assumed that role for him. With Áudryeil being one-thousand three-hundred and sixty-five, Beriadan is only a little over six hundred, he is fairly young. Elves being considered to be an adult at around two-hundred, we always need a mother.

"What is it?" I place my hand on her arm.

"Mother, I have deep concern for him. His sadness has turned into depression. I do not know what to do."

"Your concern is warranted, but Áudryeil, he has just lost his mother. Sometimes one hundred years is not enough. I do know that you must tell him how you feel, if you truly feel that strongly." I give her a smile. "When my mother died it took me longer than that to morn for her."

"I could never hide any thoughts from you, could I mother?"

"Even if I could not read thoughts, a mother still knows. It is how you light up when you see him. Your breath catches when he speaks your name."

"You do the same. I know the thoughts and feelings you try to hide from me, from everyone. You told me years ago that I should no longer wait around for it to happen, to make it happen. If I tell him, then you tell him."

"Love, that is not how this works with Thranduil. You. I. Áudryeil, I just, I can not. But your happiness is more important."

"No mother it is not," she says with annoyance. "Your's matters too, since all you have done is settle." She forces out with reproach. "This is your time. Ilowen told me half a fortnight ago, that a woman from lake town told her to live as though everyday is your last. I feel we should do this." She looks at me for a response. When I give her none she says, "Mother, you need to tell him. I know you know how he feels about you too."

"Áudryeil, my private life is no longer your concern." I raise my voice in anger. "Go care for Beriadan!" I wave my hand at her to leave. But as my back was turned to the entrance of the room, I did not know until she looked away from me that Thranduil was standing there. With wide eyes Áudryeil slid past me with, "My Lord." She left us in silence.

I turn to see confusion on Thranduil's face. "My Lord?" I say a bit forced. "What did you hear?"

"You need not say. It was only a mother and daughter quarrelling. Truly, it is not what I care to know about." He chuckled, and I followed with a short laugh. "I have come to tell you that I will be gone to Esgaroth for five days. I will need you and Legolas to take care of all the affairs while I am away."

"As you wish My Lord." I lightly place my hand on his wrist. I now have his full attention.

"Our balcony will surely feel the emptiness of our meetings." I smile. In response he gives me one. I could tell he wanted to say something more, but his thought was guarded. He turns on his heels and leaves.

Áudyriel finds me in the bathhouse the next morning. "Mother, I wish to speak with you."

"Yes love. Just let me dress." She nods her head and turns away from me. I dry myself and put on my uniform. "Áudryiel, could this not have waited until I was in the training room?" When I feel her worry I say, "what is bothering you?"

"Can you not just read my thoughts?" She whines as she looks down at her feet.

"I can, but I wish for you to tell me." I move closer to her, ringing the water out of my hair.

"Beriadan will not let me in. He has some kind of block that he has never had it before." She looks at me with worry.

"Then do not try." I feel all the worry she allows me to feel. "Would you like me to try. I know he has not been the same since both his mother and father died. I will if he wants my help." I say rubbing her arm.

"They died nearly one hundred years ago." She whines.

"Sometimes it takes time to get over traumas in ones life." I pause to hear what she is thinking. "I know, love, I want him back too."

Leaving Áudryiel in that state was hard. I know that if Beriadan will let me in that I can help. I find him a ways off outside of Mirkwood. I wish he would not go so far away from the Elven road. I know his favourite spot, as it is Áudryiel's, by a small stream with large rocks to sit on as he does his meditations. So lovely being surrounded by trees. It is a half a day journey away from the city.

I see him meditating. "Beriadan." I say to him in his mind.

He turns to see me. "Lady Ithilwen!" He climbs down off the rock. "Why have you come all the way out here? Is there something wrong?"

"No, do not be concerned. All is well. What brings you out here today?" I ask.

"I came here to think." He waves his hand to follow.

"Where are you taking me?" I say with a bit of annoyance. He pulls me along until we get to a small cliff face. I climb up the rocks after him. The sun is dawning and the sky is so beautiful.

"This is what I wanted you to see. I wished to show Áudryiel, but I think there is something going on with her." He says over his shoulder. "It is as though she pushes me away then pulls me back in. Lately she can not talk to me. She spends less time with me. Do you know why this is?"

"Beriadan, it is not my place to tell. You need to go talk to her. Look at me." I say as I turn to face him. I stare into his eyes.

He jerks away. "Do not do that! You and her are both alike. If I wanted you to know what is going on inside my head, then I would. So stop it!" He narrows his eyes and grunts with frustration as he jumps down off the cliff face.

"Beriadan," I yell after him. "Come back I am sorry. I only." He is not out of sight.

Once I get back to the doors to the city, it is dusk. I see him by the door speaking to one of the guards, "Beriadan," he turns to me. "Go see Áudryeil, you both need to talk." He nods. I go to find Manwë. I head toward the healing hall. I walk through the great hall and I am stopped by Tidurian.

"Lady Ithilwen, how are you on this fine morning?" He asks with a smile.

"I am well, and you Tidurian?"

"I am well. Ithilwen I have been looking for you nearly half the night. King Thranduil has requested your presence."

"Tell him I will find him once I am done with my current obligations." I begin to walk off.

"Ithilwen," I look over my shoulder, "you know as well as I do, King Thranduil does not like to be kept waiting. He has already asked me thrice to find you." I take note and continue to walk.

I hurry to the healing hall. I am so scared that Beriadan will try something. I hope I am just worrying for nothing. He knows that he can not kill himself, but I believe he will try. It will only be in vain, he will just cause himself more pain. I am so worried how Áudryeil is going to react when I tell her. One of us has to help him get out of this depression. I can feel tears form in my eyes. It feels like I am losing my son. Even before his parents died, I was there for him. I gave him no judgement, only understanding. His spirit is disappearing and I do not know how to help him find it again. Áudryiel needs to help him find it. I lean on the wall and hold my chest, I feel like I cannot breath. When I regain my composure and start walking again. Everyone that acknowledges me, I feel anger toward them. Then I feel anger toward myself for letting my emotions get that far.

I finally make it to the healing hall and Manwë is sitting at his desk separating herbs. "Manwë," he looks up at me. "Can you help me with something?"

"Yes, of course Lady Ithilwen, what can I help you with?"

"I know that this question will be in vain but is there anything I can give Beriadan for sadness other than leaves?"

He looks at me in confusion. "You know just as much about herbs as I do. No, there is nothing else you can give him. You can take his sadness from him. I know the last time you did that for Rúmil, it caused you problems." He looks at me in understanding. "Which is why you are asking me this. I am sorry my lady, I cannot give you any advice but be there for him. He will get over his sadness eventually." He walks over to his shelves and gets down a jar from the very top self. "These are dried leaves, they will not give him the strong effect like the fresh ones." He pulls out a hand full, he puts them in a small pouch. "Make them into a tea with chamomile. I know, we usually eat them, but it will help him sleep and it will give it a lingering effect so he will dream good dreams and feel good in the morning." He walks to his shelf once more and pulls out lavender. He places some in a small pouch. "For your sanity Ithilwen, please make this into a tea and go practice your instruments or maybe even go do some of your singing. Truly I miss your singing on Orgilion. You are dealing with too much right now. Ask the king to give you some time off from your training."

"Thank you for your concern but I am well. I will take the lavender. Thank you." I reach out to grab the pouches.

"Ithilwen," he says quiet, "I know you are a private person, but I have seen your emotional state. Promise me you will take some time off."

"Your concern is heart warming Manwë, but I will fare well." He nods and hands me the herbs.

* * *

"Brín," I say as I nudge him with my arm."

He jerks awake. I was unaware that he had been sleeping. "Yes, Katheryn what is it?"

"I am sorry I did not know you were asleep. Will you tell me how you feel about this?"

"What does it say?" He asks wiping his eyes. He is used to this, as I ask him what he thinks all the time.

* * *

 **I read:** I head toward the throne room to speak with Thranduil, hoping he is not too upset. I walk through the great hall and see Thranduil on the other side speaking with one of his servants. Walking slowly up to him, he turns to me with an agitated look. "My Lord, you asked to see me?"

"Yes Ithilwen, were have you been? I have been trying to find you all night." He says forced with a hint of anger.

"I am sorry, I had obligations with Beriadan. Please forgive me."

"Do not let it happen again." He demands. "We need to discuss what it is I need you to do while I am gone. I have dealt with Taurion and he promises me there will be no more issues, since you did not want to fully demote him." He pauses to make sure I am still listening. "I need you to deal with Manker. He wrote me another threatening letter. I do not know why he thinks his small tribe of heathens can win a battle with my guards."

I stop him short, "My Lord, the last time that his was here, you insulted him. Yes, he should not have been speaking to you in the manner that he did, but you did not have to insult him in the way that you did. You have hurt his pride."

He lets out a snort. "Ithilwen I will speak to anyone in any manner I see fit."

"Yes My Lord, just do not be surprised if drama is the result that ensues."

"Ithilwen, why must you continue to tell me that I am making the wrong choices?" He phrases it more as a statement than a question.

"I do not tell you that you are making the wrong choices, I simply want you to think before you just go by impulse."

"Then you are acting as my conscience." He says flatly.

"Thranduil," I say.

"Watch your words." He looks down his nose at me.

"Thranduil, I am not your conscience." I smile with a bit of humour. "You lack compassion is all."

He lifts an eyebrow. "Is that so?" He shows me a half smile. "Then you must also be my compassion.

"I can be more than just your compassion." I breath out. I then realise I have said this out loud. I look down at my feet then back at him. His face shows confusion. I walk away.

* * *

"Ghrá I think this is good, but if you are going to show this side of him, I think that you should bring it about earlier in the story. Unless you show that he has changed recently."

"Thank you darlin'."

Then the stewardess comes on the loud speaker. "We are descending now. We will be landing in Dublin Airport."

The plane lands.


	4. Part Two

**Part Two: Chapter Three Continued**

We have been here for three days putting some things in order and I miss my writing.

"Brín," I say as I roll over to face him in the bed, "I want to spend some time writing today. Can we get our things from your mothers house tomorrow?" I show a look that is saying please.

"If that is what you want." I kiss him. For the first time in a long time I feel that flutter in my belly. So I give into it and kiss him again. Allowing him to deepen it, I take my place on top of him when he puts his hand on my shoulder. I stop and look down at him. "Are you sure this is what you want?"

"Yes darlin', I want to love you." I drawl. I take off my night gown watching his eyes grow wide. "Just be slow with me." He nods his head, so I kiss him once more. My feeling of arousal settles down low. He takes his hand and rubs up my back tangling his fingers in my hair. I pull back and help him take off his shirt. I see his chest and wish to feel it and kiss it to claim it as mine as I once did. But I do not and look away.

"Are you alright Ghrá?" I slow my breathing and nod my head.

"I need to see your face the whole time. And maybe we can be under the comforter?"

"You tell me to stop if you need me to." He nods his head to tell me to say yes to him. I respond with a kiss. I lay on my back as I take off my underwear. He pulls the cover over us and takes off his pajama bottoms. When I take my place back on top of him I can feel him hard against me.

Brín is bigger than anyone I have ever been with before, and honestly it did bother me at first, but I learned to love sex with him. Before him, sex was never something I could do easily with a man from childhood traumas. Brín made sex enjoyable without a woman. He touches me the way I have to be touched. He allows me to be in control even when he is on top of me.

I have not felt this way for a very long time, joy in that I make him feel this way. He takes his fingers and feels my wetness. I am not ready to receive him so I kiss him again as I place his hands on my hip and backside. He pulls me closer to him and causes me to let out a moan. I can feel his skin against mine, I absolutely love this feeling. I lift up and guide him inside me, and the new sensation of contact made butterflies permeate through my whole body. I let out a loud moan that surprises me. He rubs my stomach until I get used to his size. I begin to move myself up and down making my breath catch. He then places his hands back on my hips. I look down at him and he stares at me in wonder.

"What is it?" I ask as I start feeling self conscious.

"Katheryn you are absolutely alluring." He takes his finger and trails it up the creases of my breast to my collarbone to the curve of my neck. It makes me shutter and bumps raise on my skin. I bite my bottom lip as I begin to move again. My breath catches when he finally begins to thrust himself setting a rhythm with my movements. I lean down and claim his lips. After some time I lift up to bring my fingers to his mouth. He receives them willingly. I take them and rub me while with thrusting on him. I begin to moan at the new sensation. I am building to climax but I lose the feeling as my eyes close and I see his face. "Open your eyes Katheryn." I do as he says but it is too late.

I try to help him finish, but I feel perturbation set in causing me to run to the bathroom. I turn on the water and sit in the tub while it fills. I feel this way because of seeing his face; I feel as though I should be healed from this by now, and I could not orgasm. I feel our relationship is filled with indignation that is caused by me. My actions are vile and I feel as though my body has grown bad, foul. Like I'm rotting from the inside. How can he want me or my body when it was defiled by that man.

"Chuisle, it is about to over flow!" He hurries to turn the water off. That was it, I begin to cry. The crake has now widened and I fall into pieces at the overwhelming amount of emotions I am experiencing. He had put his pajamas back on.

He pulls my hand out of the water and holds it. "I am sorry honey. I tried." I lay may forehead on our hands. With his other hand he lets some of the water out of the tub.

"You went further than you ever have. I would say that is a feat within it's self. If I would have known you were feeling bad I would have stoped." He stops the drain up he then places his hand on my back.

"I wanted you to feel good Brín. I feel bad that I can't give you more." I lift up to see his face.

"Katheryn please listen to my words. There is not road map to this. I believe there is no one way to do it even if there was. You were raped and I can only imagine what that does to a person. With you being already damaged from your child abuse. I know most people will never go through what you have been through and deal with this type pain as you are. I do not expect any of this to be easy on either of us. But I married you because I love you and I know you are worth going through this journey with. You will one day heal and we can do all these things as we used to. Today is not the day. But when that day comes we will both be stronger and we will both have our souls connect once more." He says as if he is reciting a poem. I know that his faith is a big deal to him, which I'm sure fulled his speech.

His words touch me. No one has ever loved me as much as he does, never wanted to be this patient with me. "I am broken, more time has to be spent on me. I am truly mournful that you must go through this." I can only look at him with a pained look on my face. I am truly hurting. The same expression appears on his face and my heart breaks. "Can we go to the cliff today I told you about?"

He nods his head, "yes. Do you remember what you told me the first time you left the therapists office after you got out of inpatient?" I shake my head no. "You said, where there's life there's hope." I smile at him, simply because he remembered.

Looking over the cliff face, I see the ocean in its radiant beauty. I never really liked the beach but the ocean I love. It lets children play in it for them to be happy. It washes up beautiful shells that we can take home to remember how it made us feel. But it also can be treacherous. I wish I was more like this, maybe I would not be hurt as much. Brín comes over and holds me close. I hold him as we both look out over the water. I whisper, "sa bhaile." I feel him smile as he kisses my head.

Later that day I go home to write. "Brín darlin', will you listen to this?" I ask with joy.

"It it part of your story?"

"Maybe." I laugh. "Just listen."

I sit down on the couch turned to him with my legs folded like a kindergartener. I have his full attention.

The shoreside is an unforgiving happens there stay there, within your memories, within your heart. The ocean is not your friend. The ocean lets you stand on it's beautiful beaches, and take it's shells of wonderful sounds. When you listen in the shells, you are not supposed to remember the beauty, but the way it made you feel. You stand on the sandy shore and watch the waves fall in on one another. Watch the waves dance in the warm summer sun. You feel the emptiness of the wind on your skin, moving together with her hands wrapped around you, wrapped around your heart. This is the safest place in the world to you. Being held, being kissed, being loved is imprinted on those grains of sand forever. The salt bubbles in the water rush on your bare legs like the water means to greet you, and then falls away in a bitter goodbye that is more bitter than life itself. In and out, in and out, the tide goes upon you. The water wishes to be with you, know you just as she once did. The water is a cheater and a stealer of your memories. While the water loves you, it has also loved thousands of others before you. The shoreside is an unforgiving place.

Many years later you go back to visit again the place that caused you so much misery. You walk on the shoreside as you once did. You remember the sounds of the water, the rush of the waves, the smell of the salt, and the texture of the water mixed with the imprinted sand on your naked feet. You feel the emptiness of the wind again and notice something is missing. Then your remember the hands of her wrapped around you, holding you. Then you remember the love you shared, the love that you and the water shared and the love the water stole from you. You remember how the water was a rush, how her hands felt on your skin. Then your remember the fight that gave you that bitter goodbye, just as the water once did. The bitter taste of heartbreak and pain, rushes through you like the waves rush through the ocean. The shoreside is an unforgiving place. What happens here stays here, within your memories, within your heart; that makes shoreside tears become the tomb of not only your love, but also your soul.

We sit in silence for a moment until I say, "Brín?"

"That, that was really good. It was very sad, but written very well." He seems shocked.

"Will you give me the car keys?" I smile wide. He jerks his head to look at me because of the abrupt change in conversation.

"Remember I let you drive to the store yesterday. You liked staying on the wrong side of the road."

"Then you drive me to the grocery store please. Oh, it's not me, the Irish drive on the wrong side of the road. " He rolls his eyes and smiles.

Brín sits out in the the car as I get two bottles of wine and a frozen pizza.

"What did you get?" He asks as I sit down in the car. I just smile wide.

When we get home, I grab a wine glass and put ice in it. "You bought wine? Two bottles chuisle!" He sighs.

He drinks four glasses to my nine. With the second bottle half empty, watching some movie that I am not interested in. I am board so I straddle Brín's sides. He settles his hands on my hips. I begin to kiss his neck. As he lets out a breath that he was holding, I bite down on his neck harder than I meant. "Okay, you're drunk." He says pushing me back to see my face. I give him a sly smile.

I lean down to kiss him again but he pushes me on the shoulder. "Come on Brí," I whine.

"Brí? Okay you are really drunk. Come on it is time for bed." He sounds serious.

"Is this not what the Irish do? Get drunk on the weekend, wait its everyday and watch a movie?" I laugh as I slur my words.

"Not tonight. And you're on to talk shit about her heritage. Lets go to bed. I will hold you. Do you want a bath first?"

"No, a shower with you." I poke his chest with my finger.

"Katheryn, no." He says flatly. I put his hands on my hips so he can guide me to the bathroom without me falling. He undresses me like a child. I so wish he would kiss my body. I take his shirt off and begin to kiss his chest, then his stomach. "Katheryn, stop, you are not ready for this."

"Who are you to tell me I am not ready for this. If I want to have sex with my husband I damn well will." I slur my words unknowing if he understood.

"I said no, just this morning you freaked out about my shirt being off."

"DAMN IT BRÍN! Go take a long walk off a short pier." I drawl.

"What?" He begins to laugh.

"DO NOT laugh at me, I am very angry with you right now. That is what that means: Feis ort!" My countenance changes and I pout.

"There is no need to tell me to fuck off Katheryn!" He is angry at this point.

He is still holding my arms and I pull away. I feel myself fall backwards and everything goes black.

"Ithilwen, my love are you well?" I awake in a large wooden bed. Everything is so blurry. "Ithilwen?"

"Katheryn, Katheryn!" Brín sounds panicked. Everything clears and I see Brín holding a towel with blood on it.

"What happened?" I asked very confused why I heard him say Ithilwen. "Why did you call me that?"

"What? Katheryn, that is your name." He is acting as if I know playing at this.

"You called me Ithilwen." I say flatly.

"No I did not. You must be drunker that I thought you were. We need to go to the hospital to make sure you do not have a concussion."

"No, I will be fine Brín."

Even with my reluctancy to go, he still makes me. Everything was fine but when I got home I became very sick. At least I get the rest of the wine out of me. I lay down with him and dream of my story.

* * *

 **This morning I hurry to write about it:** The very next day I receive a letter from Manker. He and his tribe live in the most southern part of Mirkwood. We allow them to live in their small village. They bring me my Valerian root every fortnight. Manwë and I get a high demand for it. It is to help with sleep issues.

It is another threatening letter. I know Manker is only doing this to be an annoyance to Thranduil. He only wants an apology.

I know he will not give Manker the satisfaction.

"What do you want to do about Manker?" Legolas asks as he leans against the wall.

I think for a moment. "Invite him to a feast!" I throw my hand up.

"What?" He says with confusion.

"Invite him to a feast. Tell him that its the feast of the, I do not know. The feast of. The feast of Half Moon."

"The feast of half moon? Right. Like we would have a feast for the moon when it is in mid cycle." He says sarcastically.

"Manker would not know this. We get him here so you can apologise for your father. So he can stop being an annoyance."

"You know it, I know it and Manker knows that he would never do that."

"Leave that to me."

"What shall we have at this feast of mid moon? And who is to come?" He sighs in defeat.

"Get a half a barrel of Innis leaves and box of elvish liquor." I laugh silently. "Get four blonde elves to be part of the feast. Make it seem as though that only the most important come to it. We will have it in your private dinning hall." Innis leaves are the leaves that go into our vegan dishes.

"You want to get this man drunk? Three glasses of elvish liquor he will not be able on walk straight. And to use my dinning hall? You just want an excuse to see into my chambers." He finishes with his sly smile.

"That is the point. Yes, I truly wish to see your dinning hall to make notes of the differences between your father's and your's." I say in a playful tone. We both burst into laughter.

"So, you have seen my father's dinning hall? Going for the King is a feat. Are you sure you can handle that?"

"Is any of this a concern of yours?" Both of us are still showing a smile.

"Well, how long?" When I give him no response, he asks, "when will this feast be held? Say in two days?" I nod my head.

"And Legolas," He inclines his ear. "find someone else to ask, I am not telling you." He laughs.

Setting up for the feast was no easy task. I handled all the decor for the feast putting up tapestries. I borrow the tapestry from Legolas's bedroom. They are of deep blues, grays and blacks. They will act as though they are for the feast representing night. I feel as though this whole facade is so silly. Legolas's private dinning hall is bigger than Thranduil's. I put out all the plates. I place lilies and tulips on both ends of the table. I know that a dinner with the King's son will feel special and hopefully a sincere apology.

This is a lot of drama, but each time an insult is said it ensues harsh feelings. It seems to have turned into some kind of sport. I tell him to just leave it alone and yet he continues to listen to what this man says. Manker is no threat to anyone. I may not have read many of them, but the last letter Thranduil got, upset him worse than they ever have. I must have this stopped before it gets out of hand.

Legolas walks in as I finish arranging the flowers.

"It looks presentable. I think this will pass. I got Tûrin and Beudhial to find some others. I see you have been in my bedroom." He says with a hint of laughter.

"I needed something dark. I was having trouble finding a dark tapestry. Have him sit by you."

"Do not push it." He says through his teeth.

"We have to do this. The last letter angered your father so much that the next one will not be seen as light threats." I say almost in a plead. He nods. I draw back the curtains to allow sun light to shine in.

"Yes, Tidurian?" Legolas says from behind me.

"My Lord, Maker and three of his men are here."

"Thank you Tidurian, show them here." Tidurian nods. "Ithilwen, this better work."

Taking one last look. I feel confident that it looks passable. I close my eyes and think of Bellethiel. Seeing her face calms me for a moment.

Legolas and Manker take their sets and Tûrin and Beudhial follow with their friends. I take my seat next to Beudhial. Everyone begins to talk to one another. Manker is not as sophomoric as Thranduil thinks. He in fact is a very intelligent man. He only left the city in which he was in to live a more natural life. More basic, to follow the ways of the earth to get closer to his goddess.

Legolas gets called away. Maker looks directly at me. "Ithilwen, thank you for inviting me to your feast. I know what this is and am touched that you would do this. If he will allow me to continue with the trading I will stop with the insults. It went on further than I ever thought it would. Please forgive me for my behaviour, I do not act in a way such as this. He is even more prideful than I."

"Yes he is. But that does not excuse some of the things you have said to him." I force out, with some light anger.

He nods. "Maybe that is true."

"Yes, I believe I can get him to start trading with you again."

Manker smiles. Legolas walks back in and sits, "Would you like a drink Manker?"

"Yes and give a round to all of my men here!" He says loud and cheerful. His servants come in and place our meal in front of us.

I stand, "Legolas if you do not mind I will take my leave and tend to Áudryiel." I needed an excuse.

I walk out to the hall and Legolas calls after me. Taking me gently by the arm, I turn to him. "You will not leave me in here with these men. I do not like them. I did this because you asked me to."

"Everything is settled have a drink with them." I try to make light of the situation.

"How is everything settled?" He asks with annoyance in his voice.

"As you were called away we spoke about this."

"Thank you for handling this, but you will not leave me in there alone. I did this for you, the least you can do is to endure this with me." I nod and follow him back in.

They talk and do drinking games. Legolas shows annoyance on his face, practically the whole time. I send him an apologetic look. "My Lady, will you have a drink with us." Manker says slurring his words.

"No." I say flatly.

Legolas walks over with his sly smile and hands me a glass. I shake my head and within my thoughts he says "Drink." I sip on the glass so I am not inebriated by the end of this feast.

Manker is at this point laughing and seems to be falling out of his chair. His friend helps him back up to a sitting position. Legolas waves Tidurian over, and speaks a few words with him. "Maker, I think it is time for you and your men to retire for the night." They object to his statement. Two men come to escort them to there lodgings.

Legolas takes a seat beside me. He just stares at me as if any moment he could start yelling at me. He is angry. They said vulgar comments to him all evening. I find Legolas' jokes and remarks to be crude but in no way such as that. Elves in general do not speak that way about a woman. I send him another apologetic look. His face softens and he smiles at me. "It is in fact a feast, Ithilwen. Please have a drink with me."

"Yes it is." I finish my glass from earlier and allow Legolas to pour me another. "I do not think Thranduil," I pause when I realised I used his name and not a formal title. He looks up from his glass. "I do not think the king," I continue, "would think this is appropriate to be drinking with his son."

With a raised eyebrow, "I suspect not. You said his name sounding as though it were natural, why?"

"I did not mean to My Lord. I do apologise for my disrespect." I sit my glass down.

"No need to apologise," he smiles with a hint of laughter. "I now know the nature of your relationship with my father."

"You must not say anything My Lord." I say as I lean forward with a tone of seriousness.

"Nothing will be said. In this case it will not be appropriate for you to drink with me. But since you are already here, I would enjoy the company."

I smile at him. He refills my glass. I speak with laughter, "you are trying to get me drunk! I will never tell my secrets."

"I can just read your mind in your drunken state."

"You can try, I have not drank enough for my block to come down." He reaches for the bottle, I take my glass and finish what is in it. I turn it over.

"You are already finished?"

"Yes."

He then turns my glass back over and fills it. "I think not," he laughs. I smile back knowing he was going to say that. "So, Ithilwen." I look up and give him my full attention. "My Father, well that is a prodigious endeavour." He raises an eyebrow. "Are you up for that challenge?"

I take a deep breath. With seriousness I say, "Yes, it is a very prodigious endeavour. As captain it was difficult yet manageable to stop him from pontificating his beliefs as rants or war. Now, I must wholly recognise his feelings and his thoughts. No matter how much I love him, everyday I seem to fall short of," I pause to find the right word, "unconditionality." He nods taking in my words. "As captain I saw everything from a sensible view. Now as someone who is intimate with him, I am clouded by," I stop to think about my words, "love. I find it very hard to do both. Every time I wish to make a decision, or state my opinion, I am cornered about how he will receive it or how he will feel." I look at him for his understanding.

After a moment he speaks, "My father is a fair and just man to the extent of his faith and ethics. When it comes to his morals and beliefs he has a very dogmatic approach, but I do believe that you can not make him angry enough to develop hate for you. Many times you have defied him, and argued against his position. Your disobedience should have at the very least stripped you of your title." He stops as I look away. I meet his gaze to find an apologetic look. "Ithilwen, if I have upset you, I am sorry. Here is my point: I know that there is nothing you can do to make him have animosity toward you. Nothing." He places his hand on my arm, "If I would have questioned or disobeyed the same orders, I would not have just been covering day watch."

I shake my head, "No, he would not! He would be the same with you."

"He holds you to a different standard than he does me." He fills my glass. "You have in fact made him very happy." He looks into my eyes. "I saw him in the dinning hall in a state of joyfulness; a rare sight." Taking a drink, I smile into my glass at the thought of Thranduil happy.


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four** : I continue to write even though what I just wrote was awful: This night I am in a blue dress with brown lace. It is quite cold, but I will not give up a chance to see this moon. The moon is highest in the sky, the halls are quiet and no parties tonight. A peaceful night. I think to myself. The snow blankets the trees as I am watching a star fall out of the sky.

I hear footsteps stop behind me. "Look." I say from over my shoulder.

"What a treat this is. The moon is quite beautiful tonight." I turn to look at My King to see his blue eyes shine it the moonlight. He seems to be watching my every movement. "Are you enjoying your night?"

"Very much." I give him a smile.

He rests his arms on the side of the balcony. He takes a deep breath. "It has been rough, these years past. With all the battles we have had to endure. It has been tiring."

"My Lord," I place my hand on his forearm. "I know we have lost a lot of good people." I stop as he looks down at me. I gently place my hand over his fingers. "You are still here."

His demeanour changes and he jerks away. He grabs my arms tight. In a growl he says, "do you think that was wise to say?" My breath caught with surprise. He must have seen fear since he let go. He waves his hand to dismiss me but he walks away himself. My eyes fill with tears at how I angered my king; worst of all I angered my friend.

Many weeks have past without a word from Thranduil. I have missed our meetings. I decide this night I will find him to apologise for my hurtful words. I go to his throne room, but I find him not. By the time the sun dusks Miluiel passes me.

"Miluiel." She stops and nods to me.

"Ithilwen, how are you on this fine evening?"

"I am well. Have you seen Thranduil, I have been," I stop once I realise that I did not say king. I feel my cheeks grow warm.

She smiles. "Ithilwen, all is well. These many years his spirit has been raised. This has not been since his wife past. I know you care for him. I can see it when you look at him. I know that his feelings are mutual. I assure you he is not in the happiest of moods. Alas, he is in the stables."

"Thank you." I hurry to the stables and find him brushing his white stallion. I notice the chill of the night and shiver. I walk by my horse and she nays at me. She stomps her feet as I rub her head. I turn to find Thranduil has stoped brushing his horse. He stares at me with a look of annoyance. I step closer, "My Lord, I have come to see my horse."

I hear "Humh" come from him. He knows it is a lie. "It seems you are here since I missed our meeting." He turns back to his horse.

"Yes, My Lord. I have come to apologise for what I said. It is only I have come to care for you." I began to question whether I should say these truths that are so deep down in my heart. So I say, "you are my king." He only looks at me as if he is contemplating my words. After a moment of silence I feel uneasy. "May I use your brush to brush Hope? It has softer bristles." He holds the brush out to me, I grab it from him.

I open the door to the stall and guide her out. I begin to brush her side. I have my back to Thranduil, so did not see him step closer to me. He places his hand on mine guiding my brush movements. Placing his other hand on my gut, he closes the gap between us and I fall into his embrace. It feel as though all of time has stopped and it is only him and I that are in existence. My eyes close in response to his breath against my ear. He takes the brush from my hand and drops it on the ground. He moves my hair over my shoulder; he showers my neck with gentle kisses.

I gasp at the loss of contact. I open my eyes to see him guide Hope back into her stall. With that sly smile I love, he backs me up slowly against the wall between the stalls. I hold my hands on his forearms. My stomach flutters as I hit the wall. He kisses me soft and gentle. Placing his hands on my backside, he pulls me closer. This is what I have always wanted from My King. It is finally my reality.

"Ithilwen, where did you get this?" I let out a small giggle. His claims my lips once more. He draws back and pauses for a moment, "we should wait."

I run my hands up his chest and settle them on his neck. "I have waited too long My Lord."

He raises his eye brow. "Oh, how long?"

"Since the first age." I smile with embarrassment.

"Then you have waited a long time." He says with a chuckle. "Your eyes, are such a beautiful deep blue."

"Thranduil," I say to him in a whisper.

"Yes?"

"Do not speak, kiss me." He brushes my lips with his own.

"King Thranduil," Tidurian says flustered. We both look up. " I am sorry to disturb you."

"It is alright, what is it?" Thranduil lets me go from his embrace. He begins talking so fast I do not know what is being said.

"You must calm down, I can not understand you." Thranduil says with concern.

He takes a breath, "We need Ithilwen. It is Áudryiel. She has fallen from the grand corridor to the ground floor. We are trying to find Manwë. "

My chest tightens. "That is five stories." I look to Thranduil. I can not breathe.

"Follow me."

We follow him to the lower level of the city. A crowd is around Áudryiel. They move aside and I take my place by her. I can see how much pain she is in. Her left leg bone has pieced through her muscle and skin. Her right leg has completely snapped so that her knee seems to be lost.

"Do not move Áudryiel." I say within her thoughts. I just look at her thinking of what to do. My mind is void of anything but my daughter is hurt. "You know you can not kill yourself." I move my hands over her body to feel which bones are broken. They all seem to be broken. It seems the way she fell that it did not cause much damage to her head. I place my hand on her forehand and the other under her stomach. I begin to pray. I can feel the energy from within the earth flow into me. I begin to feel the pain rise within me. No energy is ever destroyed, it must go somewhere. The immense pain causes me to cry out. Everything goes black.

* * *

"Katheryn!" I am startled by my name. I turn to see Brín holding out his hand. "Come, meet my mother."

"Brín, I have no make up on." I whisper. He waves his hand for me to grab it. I do as he requests.

"I need you to like her. We will be spending a lot of time with her." He says hushed.

The house has an open floor plan. Everything is hard word floors and tile in the kitchen and in the bathroom. Expense was not spared in this house. Every room has high ceilings, with beautiful crown moulding. He even says there is a drawing room, like I know what that is. It has old victorian like wallpaper with the cameos on it of darks reds, purples and blacks. Much of the furniture is antique, very gothic in decor. I love it! Our bedroom is one of the largest bedrooms I have ever seen with it not being on tv. The bathroom is amazing! We have a balcony looking over the patio. There is large tub we can both sit in together with space still left over. There is a stand up shower that has been upgraded so it can rain on you. Do not know what they are called, but I have always wanted on of those. It is so big there is an extra closet in there. You walk out of the bedroom and there is an open landing. To the left of are two large bedrooms with there own bathrooms. Brín says a lot of remodelling was done. Then straight a head, there are two more rooms which he has turned into offices. The stairs are grand. You can see down to the the living room. A beautiful ornate fireplace sits in the middle of the room. Two lovely double doors leads out to the patio and back yard, they demand attention in their own right. The kitchen is the left of that. This house has six bedrooms alone, and six bathrooms with a powder room.

The whole house has a gothic like colour scheme and decor. The kitchen is quite large. The drawing room is next to the front door. Left of that is a dinning room with table sitting twelve people and it has a long hallway at the back of the stairs behind the kitchen, with three more bedrooms, two bathrooms and a conservatory. I did not know those still existed. Although nothing is in it I told Brín I would like to see if I have a green thumb. He laughed at my comment. I asked him why he never told me about his family's money, and he said, "would it have changed anything? We still love each other." And he is right! I suppose I sound a bit giddy, but at this very moment, this is how I feel.

As I walk down the stairs, for a moment I feel like a southern belle, which makes me let out a laugh. His mother is sitting in the drawing room on her phone. "Orlaith," I say a bit to nervous. She looks up at me and smiles. "It is nice to finally meet you without using FaceTime.

"Very much dear." She stands to give me a hug. I allow her but feel very anxious. Brín rubs my lower back to calm me. He knows I have trouble with people giving me hugs.

We sit down on the couch while she sits back down in the chair. Brín and her sip tea. I don't know what to say to her, nor do I really wish to. She seems a bit to high strung for me. "You have been quiet chuisle is everything alright?"

"Yes darlin', I am not gonna interrupt you two. You are catching up and miss one another." Orlaith begins to laugh as if I said something wrong. I look at her with annoyance.

"I am sorry dear, it was just funny that you drawled your words in such a manner. I meant no offence." She says touching my hand. With that I grab Brín's hand and squeeze it as hard as I can. He tries to pry it away but I hold on tight. "Brín said that you are a nurse. Tell me about that."

"I am an RN. I went to school for six years with a rotation in psychiatric and emergency medicine." I say flatly.

"Are you going to continue to do that here?"

"If they will except my credentials, I would like to." I lean into Brín and whisper in his ear, "I am going upstairs. I will see you later." I kiss him on the cheek. I know that she is my mother-in-law, but I feel as though I have waisted two hours of my life that I will not get back. I sit down at my computer and continue to write.


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five:**

I awake to find I am on one of the beds in the healing hall. I hear Manwë speaking to someone behind me. Áudryeil seems to be sleeping on the bed next to mine. I am filled with sadness as I remember what she has done. I rise to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Ithilwen," I hear behind me with concern. Thranduil sits beside me. "Do not be so hastily."

"I am well My Lord." I smile at him. "Did I fully heal her before the pain caused me faint?"

"Yes, she is well." He places his hand on my knee. "I was filled with fear when I heard you cry out." The worry in his voice makes my heart break.

"I am well." I run my thumb over his knuckles. I grab his hand to move it away, but he puts more pressure on my knee. He smiles at me with that smile. I wish he would just take me into his arms. I bring my lips to his ear, "If you insist on leaving your hand there, you should put it to good use and move it higher." I say seductive with some humour. He lets out a moan.

He chuckles as he says, "such corse language from a lady." In response I giggle.

"Mother." I look up to see Áudryiel pushing off her blankets. Thranduil lets go of my knee. She sits up on the side of the bed.

"King Thranduil," she acknowledges him.

"Áudryiel, please do not do anything like that again." I plead with her. "I do not say this out of judgement. I love you too much to pass judgment. I know that you jumped. Please do not continue this course of action, I need you."

"Áudryiel, why would you do something like that?" Thranduil asks in genuine concern.

"My Lord? Why do you have concern for me?" She is confused.

"You have just tried to commit suicide. I do have concern that one of my people is in so much sorrow that they want to die." He says in a sympathetic tone.

"I do not know why anymore. I was sad for so long about my father and my sister but now I do not know. I just know that I do not wish to be alive." She begins to weep. I take my place next to her and hold her to my chest.

"Ithilwen, I will leave you two alone." He says as he rises to stand.

I grab his hand to stop him. "I will find you later." He nods and walks out of the healing hall.

"Áudryiel," tears form in my eyes, "You can not do this. You have to come out of this. If not for yourself, for Beriadan. He loves you and he will be devastated if you succeed. You know this." Why did I not see this? You are my daughter. I have already lost one, I can not lose you too. Please tell me why you did this? You got over your father and sister's death long ago."

"I told Beriadan my feelings. He told me that there was nothing between us. He said that mother." She weeps not into my arms.

"I love you," is all I can say to her. I do not know why he would say that. After some time Manwë brings her some tea and she falls asleep.

Brín walks in and I turn to him, "Are we leaving to go get the things from your mother's house."

"Yes, if you want, bring your computer so you can write on the way there. I know it is not a lot but it will pack that little car up."

"I know it is clothes and all my books I could not part with and all the collectables." I laugh. "Will your things also fit?

"Katheryn, those books were an expensive parcel. Yes, well we might have to take two trips."

"Do you know if she got the jewellery I sent over?" I ask as I get up from the desk.

"Yes, she said she did." I wrap my arms around him as he rests his hands on my hips.

"I love you Brín, don't ever change darlin'." I say before kissing his cheek.

We sit down in the car and I look around. It feels so odd to be on the left side of the car and not driving. "When are we going to buy instead of having a rental?"

"What do you want? The company transferred me back to the Galway office. So I will start work next week."

"They have been asking you to come back for a long time. I am not sure. I have always wanted a Mercedes." I laugh.

"We will see. Let us see what the Nursing Association says about your credentials. Hopefully you do not have to go back to school. I think it will help you feel better to go back to work.

On the ride over I focus on writing. It helps me calm my nerves. I know I have always want to come back and stay, but I am on a completely different continent. For some reason I feel melancholy.

I search for Thranduil to speak with him about Áudryiel. I find him back in the stables brushing Hope.

"Thranduil, you must let me do that." I say in with reverence.

"You never finished this morning." He says looking up from his task. I take the brush from his hand. He looks at me with concern.

"I will fare well," I say as my eyes fill with tears. He kisses my forehead. "What am I to do? She wants to die. Áudryiel told Beriadan of her feelings toward him." He just looks at me with understanding. He pulls me into a hug. "I even heard the thought, I do not deserve the air I breath. What am I to do?"

I pull back to see his face. "She needs to come to terms with whatever it may be causing this type of sorrow. I did. As you know it took me a long time. I still wake up in the morning expecting her to be next to me. I am at a lose when she is not. Then I remember within that moment, I have you. You alone Ithilwen take my sorrow away." He stops to see my reaction. I smile at him. "She needs to find that in someone or something. She needs hope. She has to be searching for hope to find it."

"Is there truly a way that she can succeed? In all my years of trying after Belletheil died, I could not find a way."

"You did?" I nod my head. "I did not see this from you."

"I have felt this way." I look down at the ground then back up to him.

I meet his eyes as they widen. "We have all been through times of great sorrow, but what shows our strength is when we get through those times. And no, there is no way for an elf to kill themselves." I trace the outline of his lips with my thumb. I kiss him with tenderness.

"I have so little energy, I need sleep. I suppose you have not had much sleep these past few days either." He just stares down at me. " I will take my leave."

I write in my journal: Áudryiel has not spoken to anyone in nearly three days. Manwë has kept her in the healing hall to keep her on watch. Taurion has been making my job hard. He refuses to do anything any more. I know he is stressed but he needs to just do as he is told. I am having major difficulty keeping my head in my work, but I still do it. With all that has happened I need training and post to run smoothly. We are finding more spiders in the forest lately. The posts need to be filled. This morning he told me my head was empty and that he curses me to be alone forever. I hit him in the throat. I feel terrible for doing that, and I should have more compassion with whatever is going on, but I let his insults hurt me.

I return to the training area and grab my bow. I place the arrows in the stand next to me and light the torches so I can see the targets. Pulling back the cord on my bow, I take my first shot and hit the centre of the target. My mind rolls back to Áudryiel and Beriadan. I take another shot and split my arrow. My mind yet again goes to Taurion. I take another shot and spilt my second arrow.

As I go to take another shot, I am startled by "Ithilwen." I release the arrow and miss my target, causing me to be filled with anger. I do not know why.

I turn to see Thranduil chuckling. "Yes," I snap.

"Do you have anymore arrows?"

"Yes." I snap back.

"Hand me your bow." He says filled with laughter.

I hand it to him, "Why?" I snap in response.

"I am worried you are going to shoot me with it." He places it on the table next to him.

I realise the humour in his voice and I soften my demeanour. "I am sorry My Lord. I did not mean to be so disrespectful. Please forgive me."

"You are forgiven. I have heard about the incident earlier. You became angry and hit Taurion." He pauses for my response.

"I am sorry My Lord. I am filled with regret."

"Do not be sorry. He deserved it for what he said to you. Do not worry he will be dealt with."

"It has been a stressful day." I say with a sigh. He holds out his hand out and I walk to him. I am brought into a hug by the man I love. Falling into his embrace, he brings his hand to my lower back and I shutter under his touch.

"Are you cold, Ithilwen?" He asks in a whisper. He rubs my arm with his other hand. I look up at him. "What is it you wish to ask me?"

"My Lord, at this very moment I wish for you to bring me to a fire. I say as I lay my head on his chest. After a moment he pulls away and takes me by the hand.

* * *

I start putting my books in the car and see a white horse in the distance. It seems she is in the neighbours yard. She is gracefully grazing upon the grass. Brín comes outside with another box, "look darlin', ain't she beautiful?" I say smiling.

I turn back to see it, "Katheryn what are you talking about? The dog?" It seems it was a brown dog walking around.

"Well, um, what else do we need to get?" I ask trying to change the subject.

"Are you feeling well Ghrá?" He places the back of his hand on my forehead then my cheek. "You must be tired with the time change."

"Yes darlin' that must be it." I said, but he knew it was a lie. I know he thinks there is something else wrong.

I stop writing for a while. I need to know why I am hearing and seeing the things that I do. I do not ask about my nursing license, I just stay at home. He has not pushed me to go back to work either. The depression has never fully left me though, just gotten better. Weeks have went by and I have not touched my computer. I have asked Brín to go with me to see about changing my phone number. The fees are absolutely ridiculous. We have FaceTime now with WIFI.

I have been gone all day walking the country side. I love it here. Slowing down from the fast paces of the city is a nice rehabilitation; To enjoy the beauty Ireland has to offer.

Brín has not said much all day. When I called Orlaith, she was very vague about her phone call with him this morning.

I walk inside and Brín is no where to be found, but his car is here. "Brín?" I call for him. He rushes out of one of the bedrooms upstairs and shuts the door. "Hey darlin', do you have a woman up there?" I ask him with humour in my voice.

"Yes, if you mean this woman!" He brings down a large dog. She is a beautiful golden retriever and is true to her colours. She runs downstairs to greet me.

"Oh, Brí, she is beautiful." I smile up at him as I bend down to pet her.

"Bri?" He raises an eyebrow. "Her name is Bella. She is a three year old, sixty two pound golden retriever. She is trained to bark when she need to go out, so she will tell you. She loves long walks and to play. Now Mary, my mother's friend, her sister is sick and can no longer take care of her. I thought because you are in the house all day by yourself that you could use a companion. Mary also said she is really lazy in the mornings so you could sleep in with her."

"She is beautiful. She is not sleeping in the bed with us." Bella turns her head in response to my comment. We both laugh.

"Agreed there is a pillow over there for her to sleep on." He points to the left corner in the living room. "She has some toys in the corner there in that basket. I have something else to show you. Bella go lay down." She responds by jumping up on the couch making her a spot in the blanket. He takes my hand and leads me upstairs. As he opens the door to one of the biggest spare bedrooms we have, I see his surprise and I smile.

He and his mother have brought the rest of my things and put them away. There is a couch on the wall were the bed was. He has taken the old victorian couch his mother had and reupholstered it with beautiful dark green velvet. It looks better than the red it had. He has a beautiful old bookshelf on the opposite wall. In front of the window is a large ornate desk I am sure has been past down in his family. A lovely wingback chair that matches the couch next to the book shelf. He leads me in and I see all my signs and collectables on the walls. Above the couch is the pictures of Imladris. Next to the book case is the map of middle earth. He had a lovely plague made for me, he gave it to me at our wedding. Our wedding was not a traditional ceremony. We just got a marriage and had decided to do the ceremony here in Ireland with his family. We are still married all the same. It says, I would rather share one lifetime with you than face all the ages of this world alone. Beautiful lettering in Irish. He has put my small nicknacks around the room.

I put my arms around his neck to hug him tight. "I love it darlin'. Thank you." I kiss him hungrily to show him how much I am thankful for this most intimate gift. I truly feel loved. I close the door with my foot.

As it closes he pulls back, "my mother is still here." I feel my cheeks redden. I show annoyance at the situation. "Come," he takes my hand. "She will be gone soon enough. Oh, I almost forgot this." He pulls out an I-phone from his pocket. "This is on a plan with mine. You will no longer have signal problems and the fees. You can cancel your's." I take the phone and smile. For a second I feel disappointed that he would put me on a plan with him. I want my own phone, my own independence. But I then realise that I do not have any income and it was probably cheaper for him to do it this way. He must have seen my expression, "I thought you wanted a phone with Irish digits? You can keep yours if you would like."

"I do. Thank you. Let us talk about it later." I kiss him to show reassurance of what I said.

After his mother left, I go lay down. There was a lot of excitement today. Bella seems to be okay with the new living situation. She will not sleep in that dog bed and she refuses to even get off of the couch. I hope she will come around.

Brín comes to bed much later than I thought he would. He takes his place behind me and pulls me close. He kisses my neck before he gets comfortable. My belly flutters as it always has with him. I take his hand off of my belly and I lay it on my thigh. He thinks I am just moving it to be more comfortable. I move myself back on to him even though there is no more space between us. Then he rests his hand on the front of my thigh and does not understand, I turn onto my back and place his hand on my inner thigh. "Katheryn, are you sure?" He asks surprised.

I push his hand into my yoga pants and let him feel me. "Yes," I breathe out.

"You are so wet a stór," I let out a quiet giggle.

He begins to rub me. I have been thankin' about this all evening, even during dinner. He slides one finger in causing me to moan. Then another. I buck my hips into his hand wanting more from him. I want him. I get off of the bed and slowly take off my clothes. He watches me in the light of the lamp. I take my place above him working at his slacks. "Why do you still have these on?" I say as if I am repulsed by them.

"I wanted to see if you were alright before I got ready for bed. I have to shower and pack up my files for the morning." I struggle to get them unbuttoned. He unbuttons them helping me slide them off along with his underwear. I reach to take off his shirt but I hesitate and feel bad for doing so. I look down at my hands that I will to move, but they don't. "It's okay." I look up at him with thankfulness of his understanding. He lifts up and takes it off, himself. I will not look at him.

I lean forward and kiss his lips softly. He slides his hands down to my hips and I feel him grow hard against my leg. I will not look at him. I am happy because I make him feel this way. Even after everything. I guide him inside of me and let out a moan as the sensation of him courses through me. I begin to rock back and forth with forcefulness. I moan loader as I slowly climb to orgasm. "Oh Brín," I moan as I feel as though I am about to come undone and all my emotions, all of me will be laid out in pieces all over the floor. "Get on top of me." I say out of breath.

He looks at me for permission again, and I nod my head. I roll over onto my back and as he takes his place between my legs. He fills me and I cry out with pleasure. I match his rhyme as I climb to orgasm again, but I start to be overwhelmed with thoughts in my head. "I need to be on top of you," I sound panicked more than I wanted. But I wanted this, I want Brín to make me feel good.

But then I just stop. I am frozen in nothingness. What he did to me, that man. I just keep seeing him. Seeing him inside of me. It was like there was a invisible barrier between us that he broke. He hurt me so bad, that I can't even love my husband.

He should leave me. At that thought I start to sob uncontrollably. I deserve this, but I don't want it to happen. He just holds me as I fall asleep.

* * *

Once we get to the corridor he lets go. I walk beside him, all the while following him. Being on the south side of the city we are surrounded by many people. Most of our recreation areas are on this side. On the east side of the city there are less people. We get to his privy chambers only seeing Miluiel. Thranduil asks her to leave and finish cleaning tomorrow.

He opens the doors to his bed chambers and the fire is already lit. He has a tapestry on each wall of browns and greens, with gold and silver. His bed is large enough to fit four comfortably. I have never seen one so big. The linen on his bed is of green with leaf embroidery.

The head board looked as though it is made of tree roots, much like his throne. Everything is so lovely. I walk over to the window and draw back the curtains.

As he wraps his arms around my waist he pulls me into an embrace. "Are you warm now my love?" He whispers.

I turn to see his face. "Truly? How long?" I ask feeling uncertain of his words. Having waited so long to hear them, my love, they feel like a dream. He did not have to say, I read his thoughts.

"Since our first meeting on our balcony." I smile at him for his words warm my heart. I twirl my finger in the hair that is draped over his shoulder.

As I pull away, I stand in front of the fire with my back to it. I unlace my dress, watching his eyes as it falls to the floor. I unlace my corset slowly to have him waiting in anticipation. It falls to the floor and his beautiful eyes widen. He stares at my naked form taking it in; after some time I begin to feel embarrassment. I hide myself with my arms.

He moves them out of the way while saying, "do not hide Ithilwen, you are too beautiful. He kisses me gentle and slow. I unlace his tunic and he allows me to pull it off. I help him take off his under shirt. I rub up his stomach to his chest feeling how hard it is, feeling the creases raises my arousal. He claims my lips once more. As he raises my leg to his hip and places his other hand on my backside, I can feel him hard against me which makes me moan. He raises me so my legs wrap around him. I try to fight for dominance of the kiss but he pulls back and says, "gentle." I do not listen and try to control the kiss. "Ithilwen, you are a lady, this must be slow."

"I do not understand why you keep saying this." There is annoyance in my voice. He lets me down. I know I should just allow him to treat me as such, but my hubristic manner got the best of me. I have always worked hard to show everyone I can do anything and that women are no less strong or courageous than any man.

"In this respect women are fragile." He stops and looks at me.

"I am not fragile Thranduil. For thousands of years I have shown you that is not so."

I read his thought, "she was. I should not have let her go."

"I have much compassion for you and the lose of your wife. In this, I am not her." I say as my voice cracks with agitation.

"Do not go." I hear that thought again.

"No," I say too forced. "I am not Itarillé." I realise that I have said her name. I grunt with frustration. My anger got the best of me. I turn to grab my dress. Looking away from him, "I am sorry."

He breaths deep and he is brought to tears at her name. "Please do not go." I turn to him before I put on my dress, he has taken a seat on the small couch in front of the fire. Without a thought, I sit down beside him and grab his hands to comfort him.

"I am sorry. I did not mean to say her name. I do not wish to see you cry." I kiss his cheek. I bring his face to look at me. As I lean my forehand on his, I caress his cheek. I take my other hand tangling my fingers in his hair holding the back of his head. "I love you too much to see you hurt. Please tell me what to do. I am sorry."

"I am not angry with you, just be here with me." I feel sadness from him. I did not realise my nakedness until he put his hand on my leg. I raise to stand and he follows. I grab my dress. "You can not sleep in that, put this on." He hands me one of his night shirts. It is quite large on me, reaching down just above my thigh, covering my backside. He leads me to his bed. He lays down and I follow suit by facing him. As we both hold one another, I kiss him once more. He soon after falls asleep despite his sadness, and I fall asleep watching his chest rise and fall.


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six:**

I awake to him still sleeping. The fire had gone out some time in the night. I start to shiver. This is what I have always wanted. Now that I have it, I am causing him heartache. He was not ready to hear her name, much less hear me say it. I am truly sorrowful. I lean up to pull the blanket over us. Then settling my head under his chin, I rest my knee on this thigh. He awakes pulling me closer. I burrow my head into his chest, as he takes his hand rubbing it up my waist while drawing up the night shirt resting it on the small of my back, I read his thoughts expecting her to plague his mind, only to find he feels content. This makes me smile. He is truly happy, he truly loves me. I wish to save him from his sorrow; but I know I can not do this for him. Maybe I can just be his hope.

"Ithilwen?" Thranduil asks sheepishly.

I lift up to see his face. "Yes?"

"I am glad that you stayed with me."

"Why would I not stay with you. I do not wish to see you hurt. I love you." I wait for him to respond. When he does not, I stare into his eyes, they shine in the sunlight. I smile at him and I lift up and brush his lips with mine. My body tingles and it settles down low.

I gently push him to lie on his back, he allows me. I straddle his sides. I lift his night shirt that I am wearing over my head and discard it to the floor. His eyes widen as he looks at my naked form. I claim his lips with mine, kissing him soft and gentle. He takes his hand rubbing my side ever so lightly causing bumps to raise on my skin. Leading a trial of kisses down his neck, over his collarbone and down his body, I pause when I get to his trousers. I unbutton them and slide them off. He chuckles as he sees my reaction to his size. I bite my lip looking into his eyes.

Grabbing my sides forcing me over on my back, he takes his place between my legs. He runs his finger tips down my cheek and along my jaw line. Then he cups my face with his hand. I kiss his palm and then his thumb and I can see in his eyes the love he has for me.

In this moment I am thinking of Tauriel, and of him. I allow tears to fall as I push him off of me. I get dressed without a word and leave.

I sit down at my desk. I begin to write: I do not understand how two people can make my heart shine. Part of me feels there is some sort of magic involved, and the other part wishes to just let it happen. I feel loved and beautiful, but I also feel as though it is all going to end. Both will be taken from me. My heart says, "love them both," while my mind says, "choose or you will lose them both." The Goddess has betrayed me. She gives me two people to love when there is only one for an elf's life. Only one you can bond with, only one is supposed to make your heart shine. My own gifts betray me. They give me the ability to feel what the other is feeling as well as to allow them to feel as I do. I gave myself to her, all of me. Now I have a chance to be with my King, THE KING of Mirkwood! Every woman's dream is within my grasp and all I can do is feel guilty. Guilt from the beginning. Not being able to stop Aarondor and his men from taking me, Teirthiel, and Glandur. My husband and Bellethiel dying in the Great War. Not being there for Áudryiel when I was off fighting in the Ilanin War. I have even forgotten what it is that I fight for any more. Do I fight for me? Do I fight for my children or my people? Do I fight for my King?Now I feel guilty for having an affair with him. They both deserve better. Maybe I am too dramatic, but I can feel everything in the world as if it were all good and all bad. I care how everyone feels, and how my actions will effect others. I will figure this out and sort out my feelings.

I put the kettle over the fire and mix my lavender into a tea. The sweet taste of lavender on this day is harsh. I find myself longing for sleep, longing for the guilt to go away. I feel on edge, about to burst with anger and frustration. Sleep will help. My energy has not completely returned to me. I lay down watching the sun change position.

In my dream: I follow an unfamiliar voice of panic. Running through the halls of the city brings sadness to me. Passing through that Great Hall, I am suddenly within the halls of Imladris. I feel so confused, so lost. For what feels like hours, I run through the empty halls until I reach the gates of Mordor. There is now an emptiness in the world, cold and colourless stinging my heart that only leaves me with a longing for death. Through the gates I find nothing but a wall; nothing inside but blood imprinted dirt that will always be poisoned. I find myself walking to the centre of the empty ruins. Fresh blood stains the ground showing me a path to what I truly wish to leave hidden. I will my feet to stop, but they do not listen. Dark clouds move in front of the moon; thunder and lighting strikes begin to swirl around me as I see Thranduil laying dead on the ground. He had been struck to the heart, by a sword. A cry comes from my left. Tauriel stands weeping holding her short sword.

"You made me do it," she says through panicked breaths. A stoke of lightening hits in-between us. It makes me jump and I awake in pure essence of moonlight.

I begin to cry at the thought of the dream. I know it would never happen but my guilt still sits on my heart seething ugly shame causing nausea and perturbation. I think that I should talk to Tauriel about my concern. I do not believe she would be upset, nor do I think Thranduil would care. Most men do not care if a woman sees another woman. It is not spoke of much, but our culture does not seem to question it. Yet, it causes me heartache. I must decide. I will lose either way and my decision will cause me more pain.

I know what I must do, I will speak to Thranduil. I can not keep him in the dark about what is bothering me. I do not wish him to believe that I do not love him, or that I do not wish to be with him when my soul screams it be so. I wish a vision would come to help me with my predicament, alas it has not and I must do this.

I hear a knock on my door and find Tidurian standing in front of it shuffling his feet. I look up at him with a puzzled look when I see a vexed expression upon his face.

"Tidurian?" I say low placing my hand on his to stop him from shaking.

"My Lady, the King is in his throws of sorrow." He takes a deep breath. "He has made me feel disdain. He has taken to lock himself into his chambers and will not leave. Miluiel is not even allowed in." He looks down at my hand on his and places his right hand on top of mine, "My Lady please I beg you, help him. I do not wish to see him in the place he was so many years ago when his wife passed. I know you remember his state then." I am just taking in every word feeling as though I am going to be sick. I want to faint and never wake up. I caused this. Me. I feel tears stream down my face. "Miluiel has also said that he does not wish to see you. Yet you must. Please fix this Ithilwen," with my name I meet his eyes once more.

"I will go to him." I say as I turn from Tidurian. I close the door. Leaning against it, I close my eyes and let out a breathe. I love him, I can not loose him.

I clean my teeth with a lemon solution. I slowly sip on some wine to gain some composure. When two glasses sit well on my stomach, I put on the green dress that he loves to see me in. I put a small braid at each temple and pull them back.

I slowly walk to his chambers finding Miluiel standing at the door.

"Lady Ithilwen, he has locked the doors to his privy chambers." She opens the door as I snake past her.

I turn the handle of the door and it being locked causes me frustration. I take my hand and run it along the handle. I see the lock in my mind and cause the tumblers to raise in their proper position and hear the door unlock. I open the door to find him sitting at his writing desk with one hand on his wine glass, and the other under his head.

I run my hand up his back and leave it on his shoulder. When he does not stir from his slumber, I run my finger along the edges of his ear. His face softly twitches and I say, "Thanduil." As I make another pass along the point of his ear, "Thranduil," causes him to jerk up and look at me. Tears begin to fall down my face when I see his expression move from confusion to anger.

"I locked that door for a reason," he hissed. He sits up straight in his chair. I place myself in front of him on my knees looking up at him. He then focuses on the tears falling from my face and tears begin to fall from his. I run my thumb along the arch of his cheek and smile. "Why are you smiling?" He asks as he raises an eyebrow.

"You do not hate me." I say innocently. A chuckle escapes his lips. "I am sorry for leaving the way that I did."

"I do not understand why, all I ask is you tell me what bothers you so."

"I do not know how. I have tried many times and nothing will leave my throat." He looks down at me with confusion for a moment. His face softens and looks at me with understanding.

"Continue please." He inclines his ear.

I take a deep breath and swallow hard, "I love another." I raise to my feet waiting for some response.

He pushes me back as he stands. Turning his back to me, he says, "who is he?"

Nervousness crept into my voice. "Tauriel," I say too forced.

"A woman? Is this what has got you so distraught?" He turns to face me.

"Yes, My Lord, I love her. Much in the same way that I love you. If I am to be with you, I want to be faithful. But I love her." I feel tears form in my eyes once more. I see him step closer to me.

"You can have her," he smiles. I know he thinks me silly.

"Thranduil?" I wish for him to make me choose. I feel as though I will vomit.

His smile turns into a look of concern. "Ithilwen, what is it. Are you not well?" I shake my head no.

I turn to him,"I am sorry." I say as tears run down my face. He hands me a glass of water. I take a few sips which seems to settle my stomach. "My Lord, I am sorry. This situation makes my nerves worn. I do not know why. I only feel that I must choose; that I cannot give you all of me, all of my heart if I am with her."

"Ithilwen, I will never ask you to choose. I know that you feel this way, and yet I do not see it the way in which you do. I see it as someone you share intimacy with. Nothing more. You can not bare her any children, therefore it can not be seen as such. But if you feel you must choose, then choose. Who then?"

I can only look at him. My mind is filling with all these thoughts about both of them. They spin as if I were in a tornado. I feel my heart break to choose either one. I reach my hand out and he holds mine within his. Tears run down my cheeks.

"I will not make you choose. I only ask that you do not see her when I wish to see you. Do you understand?" I nod my head, still contemplating his words. "Calm Ithilwen," he says as he pulls me into an embrace. I burrow my head under his chin.

After a few moments he hands a glass of wine. I look up at him knowing what he is about to do. He claims his lips with mine. I feel that flutter in my stomach. I must allow him to do this. I want him just as much he wants me. Pulling me to a stand he guides me to the bed. Untying my dress I allow it to fall to the floor. I feel ashamed after what happened. And yet, he still wants me? I am not worthy of him or her. He removes all of my under garments and all of his clothes. Pushing me back on the bed as a crawl backward on my hands to the top of the bed, he claims his place between my legs. Placing his hands on the back of my thighs, he pulls me down toward him, rough. Without another thought he begins to kiss me there. I push my head back into the bed, letting out a moan. After some moments I breathe out, "I want to feel you."

Without any demand, he sits up on his knees. I stare into his beautiful blue eyes. "Let your hair down." He looks at me confused. I guess it was an odd request. He takes his hair down from the braid. A strand of hair falls in front of his face, I twirl some around my finger. "Please My Lord," I whine.

He slowly slides himself inside of me. A truly lovely feeling, which makes a rush of passion which immerses all of my being. I set a rhyme I like. I begin to moan as his strokes gain more intensity.

"Slow down." He stops and looks at me confused. "I am making to much noise, you must slow down." He shows his cocky smile. I bit my lip at his expression. He continues with the same speed as before. I bring my fingers up to his lips and he allows them willingly into his mouth. Sliding them out, I begin to touch myself setting a rhyme that causes me to moan louder than I was previous. I run my left hand up his back until I get to his shoulder blade. When my release begins to build I dig my fingers into his back. I try to quiet my moans, but it is all in vain. I focus on how he is feeling and the sensations that go through his body. It is just him and I. I feel his skin on my skin, and his emotions that are intertwining with my own. I close my eyes and I release with beautiful colours and lights behind my eyes. Tauriel is the only other person that made me see those.

* * *

I do as I do everyday, cook breakfast for me and Brín, which I never eat. Walk the dog and come in to sleep. My depression has hit hard again. I feel as though I can not fight it this time. For weeks I do this.

This morning I take Bella for a long walk. We walk at least four miles. I did bring some water; she is very happy about that. I took her by the sea and watched her play in the water just as far as the leash would let her. I look at my phone and it is twelve noon. I turn to go back to the road, but I hear, "Ithilwen." I expect Brín to be somewhere around, but no one is. "Ithilwen, stop." I hear. I can not place the voice, but it is evident all the same. I then hear children laughing. I see a light blonde headed child run past me in a long sleeve blue dress that touches the ground. She almost bumped into me.

"Child!" I call out after her. I turn my head to see if there was a parent near but there was no one. I the turn back and she is gone. I look around everywhere, but she is not there. We are not close enough to the water for her to have that much time to get in it. I sit down on the gravel road in awe of what I just saw. Then it comes to mind, I have never had hallucinations before. I start to panic and call Brín.

"Hey Katheryn, are you and Bella getting along?" He asks innocently.

"Brín, where are you?" I force out as I begin to have a pain attack.

"Katheryn, what is wrong?" He has so much worry in his voice.

"I need you to come and get me." I force out having to start over twice.

"Where are you?"

"On that beach you showed me." I begin to cry at my fear from the hallucinations.

"It is going to take me at least thirty minutes to get to you." He says panicked. "Where is Bella?"

"Here."

"What is going on?" I say nothing. "Please Katheryn, talk to me." I continue to take short breaths. "Look at the ocean, watch the waves come up onto the shore. See how the sun makes the water sparkle? What colour is the sand?" When he hears no response, "What colour are the rocks around you? Tell me what colour your eyes are."

My breathing slows, "blue."

"What is your favourite book?" He asks with a bit of humour.

"Honey, you know." I let out a short laugh.

"Feel better?"

"Yes Brí."

"I am still on my way. Just stay there. Okay?"

"Yes."

On the ride home I don't speak. He continues to try. He is so used to me not telling him things. I wish he would keep pushing; he usually stops just as I am about to break down.

"I could not sleep last night." I say to Brín as I sit down for breakfast. I made him eggs and grits. My favourite southern dish. I have to order the grits online. I must always buy the name brand Quaker. Once Brín bought me some, but he got me hominy grits. Gross! But I ate them anyway.

"I am still not sure how I feel about these grits Katheryn."

"Then don't eat it." I say pulling his plate away from him. I look at him and smile.

He grabs my wrist, "thank you Ghrá." I place the plate down and sit down on his lap, draping my legs over. I wrap my arms around him and kiss him. When I pull back he can see the tears that are falling from my face. "A chuisle? You cry every time I say thank you. Why"

He wipes tears off my cheek. "Because, my father never said anything like that to my mother. I never heard thank you in that way, other than from my own mouth. They were not very good to each other. And my family was not at all either. Simply Brín, I grew up in a home that I wish to forget. As I have told you many times. This is why you will never meet them."

I kiss him again wanting him to know that saying thank you made my heart smile. With hearing those words, I know he appreciates me. I stand and grab his hand, pleading with him to come with me. He stands and I lead him to the bedroom. I begin to unbutton his white collared shirt. He grabs my hands, "leave it on."

"You can not wear that and go to work in it."

He lets out a laugh. "What? You left out a word in there."

"Whatever. You know what I mean." I turn to look at my book on the night stand, but I find myself turning back. Brín is skinny. Skinner than he used to be. I know it is the stress of everything causing him to eat less. His chest and abs are still slightly defined. I feel sad seeing this and not noticing how much weight he has lost. I am a bad wife. Ever since the rape he has always changed in the bathroom when I am not around. I know this concession seems silly but it is for me. It has to be done.

I turn away again thinking about my thought, I am a bad wife. It makes me so very sad. "Katheryn?" I turn to him and he is looking at me confused. I will get the feeling back. I kiss him drawing him to the bed. I push him down to sit on the edge of the bed. He watches me as I slowly take off my night gown. Taking me by the small of my back, he pulls me to him rough, which makes my breath catch. He kisses my stomach breathing into me. This causing bumps to raise on my skin and my stomach to flutter. He looks at my ribs for a moment, silently debating if to tell me again that I were too small. But he does not and I leave the thought alone.

He moves the covers aside and lays underneath them. I follow suit by taking my place on top of him. I unbutton his slacks helping him slide them off. I refuse to look at him. I claim his lips and through the kiss I tell him how much I love him. Feeling him against me, it causes my body to flush.

Once I am ready, I guide him into me. I gasp at the new sensation. I wait for a moment getting used to him. Then I begin to rock back a forth. He lets out a quiet moan at the new movement. I think I can do it this time, finish.

He kisses every inch of me that he can reach and moving his hands over the other parts of me that he can't. Reaching to climax I speed up the pace, finding myself coming undone for Brín. I begin to moan as the sensation becomes to much. He usually makes no sounds at all other than heaving breathing, but small moans are escaping his lips. I place two of my fingers between my legs and begin to set a motion.

Once I reach climax, I am flooded with emotions and utter bliss. When I do this, Brín follows immediately after letting out a moan that surprises me. Once our breathing slows I roll off of him and lay there with my arm draped over his stomach. I feel sad again because of his weight.

After about twenty minutes he get up and puts his clothes back on. I whine as he kisses me goodbye. Still laying naked on my side of the bed. "I have to go to work. I love you." He kisses me again and walks down stairs. I hear the door close and I am at a lose of what to do.

When Brín gets home that night, I lay down next to him allowing him to hold me. It feels so good, I feel so safe. I love this man truly, but I can see what I am doing to him. I toss and turn all night.

I don't sleep for the next four nights. The hallucinations get worse but they are not the same. They are shadows and weird sounds. I know what this is, it's sleep deprivation. Some sort of a manic episode, from what I do not know. I am too old for most of the disorders to appear, so I do not know what it is. Somehow I kept this from Brín all these days, but I have.

I get up and grab the keys from the key bowl and get in the car. I drive to the beach with a tall and steep cliff face. I wish I knew what it is called because it is so beautiful.

Getting out of the car, I rub my face as if it will fix this feeling, I realise I am not in control. I wish I knew how to stop this. I walk to the cliff face about to jump, then this bright white light swirls around me and I can no longer see anything but that light.

My eyes focus and I am in a white room. The lights are so bright, like an operating room. I see two podiums in front of me with one book on each. "Choose," I hear from the right of me. A woman's voice so beautiful almost as if she were singing.

I look up and see the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Perfect in every sense of the word. Long red hair that falls to her breasts. Such lovely green eyes, like the universe is within them. Her dress is white, made of a material that I have never seen before. It shimmers white; it touches the floor with long sleeves that are the perfect length. Her breast slightly show with the material being cut low. She smiles at me as she waves her hand at the books. She walks so graceful, precise, so. I know who she is, Mother Brigid. I can do nothing but watch as she walks beside me.

"Choose my child. Choose your fate." I look up at her and she nods her head toward the other side of the room. I see Ithilwen. What I imagine her to look like. There she is, so lovely, so perfect. I look back at the Goddess and think about my answer. I feel as though I have been standing here for an eternity.

"Middle Earth," I say as I put my hand on the book to the left.

As the white light hits me again, I hear Ithilwen scream, "NO!"


	8. Part Three

**Part Three**

 **Chapter Six Continued**

I land in a pile of leaves as I come to. "Ithilwen," I hear Thranduil say with worry in his voice. The horses slow down and he dismounts his. "Are you well? What was that light?" He says in a hushed yet panicked tone.

"I'm not sure," the only thing that came to me is, "magic, it must have been magic."

Thranduil holds out his hand. I take it but I am took weak to rise. He sees and allows me to wrap my arms around his neck as he lifts me by the waist. I notice him now. He is in brown pants and a tunic with a black cloak. His strong eyes just as blue as I imagined. His eyebrows that match his blond hair are disappearing as his flowing locks fall around his face. He walks me to my horse, which I am assuming is Hope. "Can you ride love?" He asks in a whisper.

"No. Um, My Lord." Despite the fact I have never ridden a horse before, I am too weak. I am so overwhelmed and don't know what is happening. Stay in character Katheryn until you can figure out what is going on. He feels so real.

He helps me onto his horse, "Manwë can you guide her horse back to the city?"

"Yes, My Lord," he does this without question.

"Why is he here?" I asked trying to understand this scene. He mounts the horse.

"I was afraid you were hurt. Are you well?" He asks as he puts his hand on my stomach and grabs the rains with his other.

"I don't. I do not remember what happened. Why am I out here?" I ask leaning into him as he makes the horse go faster.

"You started yelling at everyone in the Grand Corridor. Tauriel has informed me you have not slept in over a week. I saw and you just seem to lose it. You made out of the city taking your horse. I did not bring anyone but Manwë because I thought that a lot of people might upset you." He kisses the back of my head.

"I do not remember, but I am truly sorry for my actions, please forgive me." I ask worrying that I have done something truly wrong. Damn it, I should have finished the Silmarillion and the Complete History of Middle Earth. They were just so dry. I guess I will learn now.

"Ithilwen, do not ask for forgiveness when there is something wrong. Just as when you are sick, you can not control a fever or even a headache. When mothers after they give birth get the sadness, do you think they can control that? I do not expect you to be able to control this until we understand what is happening. If you believe it is magic, then we may never know what has been done."

I begin to cry not understanding anything that is going on. I hid my face into his chest. All of a sudden the horse falls with a whine and we are thrown from him. I fall in such a way, that it is onto my left arm, I hear a pop and it feels as though it is broken. Looking back at the horse, I see two arrows sticking from his chest. I feel frightened not knowing what to do. Thranduil grabs my knife that is strapped to my inner thigh and hands it to me. He unsheathes his sword and Manwë does the same with his. At this point, I can not even feel my arm, there is too much adrenaline running through my body. Five or six men come out of the forest and begin to attack them. I get up and hide behind a tree. I can't breathe.

A man came from behind me and something took over. I strike with precision and I cut his throat. Blood seems to just gush out as it covers my face and ground until his body falls and lays limp on the ground.

Thranduil lays his hand on my shoulder, with that I turn around and swing. He grabs my wrist. "Ithilwen it is me." I drop the knife and fall to my knees. My hands are shaking, I just killed someone. Never in my life would I ever have thought I would have to do such a thing. Manwë takes out a cloth from his satchel and hands it to Thranduil.

He begins to wipe the blood off of my face, as I begin to cry. "Ithilwen, it is only a heathen. What is wrong with you?" I can't breath and start to have a panic attack. He finishes wiping the blood off of my face. "Manwë, get her some leaves."

Manwë leaves for a moment and then comes back with green leaves that look like raw spinach. He wipes them off and hands them to me. I just look at both of them as if they we asking me to eat poison. I am frozen in pure fear and overwhelming discomfort.

KATHERYN YOU WROTE THIS, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO. My inner voice screams at me. Thranduil takes one and brings it up to my mouth and I allow him to feed it to me. It tastes like sour kale. I wince at the flavour. Manwë hands Thranduil a water skin, "drink Ithilwen." Thranduil holds it up to my lips and I drink from it. The water is warm! I don't like it. He makes me eat another leaf, which makes my stomach feel sick.

"My Lord, I think my arm is broken." I feel down from the elbow to my wrist. I have never broken a bone before, and the pain is starting to come back. "It is my wrist!"

"Manwë, can you heal this?" Thranduil asks.

"I do not have the herbs with me, we will need to wait until we get back to the city. She has been through worse, the pain will not be that bad." Then I remember, as a flash of images like PTSD is shown before my eyes. I remember every time I have been stabbed, hit, kicked, and even hit with a flaming arrow. "She has eaten the leaves, she will be fine for a while."

I look around for a thick short stick. Placing it under my wrist Manwë rips his undershirt and ties it around my arm and the stick.

"Thank you Manwë," I say as I wince from the pain.

Sometime later, I calm down and he puts me on Hope. He takes his place behind me. Continuing on, I watch as the leaves take their effect. It feels similar to the effects of Marijuana mixed with the effects from Molly. I feel much calmer, but I am seeing colour prisms everywhere with my arousal heightening.

"Thranduil," I whisper.

"Yes, love?" He asks. Somehow I am aware that he already knows. I focus on that and hear this thought, "It has hit her. This is going to be such a sight." I hear him chuckle.

"You already know, then why ask?" I turn my body to see part of his face.

"How do you know that Ithilwen?"

Oh, he does not know I have telepathy. I have to tell him now. "I heard your thought." I giggle as he remembers the times I became embarrassed for no apparent reason.

"Could you not have told me this years ago?"

"No." I say laughing. "This is fun think of something else." I love this. I can hear anyones thoughts. "I want to feel you," I say hushed.

"Ithilwen, you are a lady. You must not speak in such a way." He sighs.

I straighten up, then a question comes to me. "How did you leave with no one suspecting?"

"There is a tunnel leading out of my chambers to the stables."

"So, I can sneak in anytime I wish?" I bit my bottom lip, unsure if he can see.

"Yes, but I will allow you to come through the front door," he says with humour.

He places his right hand on my belly; I moan as I fall into the embrace. I take his hand and move it between my thighs.

"Ithilwen!" He says hushed but sternly. I hear Manwë chuckling from behind.

"Would you like her to ride with you?" Thranduil asks over his shoulder in amusement.

"No My Lord, she is all yours." They both laugh.

"Like snickering men. Worse than women." I say annoyed. He places his hand back on my stomach to hold me in place. I feel it flutter.

After some moments I start to come down and the reality of me killing someone comes to me. "Stop, stop I have to get down," I say panicked.

He does as I ask and helps me dismount the horse. Thranduil comes up behind me and places his hand on my shoulder. I jerk away, "don't touch me. I need a moment." I begin to walk off and notice my chest is moving more than I like. I grab them, REALLY NO FUCKING BRAS! I let out a growl and keep walking. About three hundred feet in, I choose a log to sit on. "Just breath, calm down," I say to myself trying to become grounded in reality. I am really here in Middle Earth, the one from Tolkien's stories and essays. I got what I asked for, but I didn't know what I was asking for. Brín, oh Brín, he is alone. Wait, I was about to jump from the cliff. I must have jumped. This is the after life? I let out a frustrated growl. "I don't know," I yell out.

"Are we now shorting our words Ithilwen? You almost always speak in Vanyarin, unless you are with students." He says as he walks up from behind.

"I am sorry My Lord, I am only overwhelmed with not remembering. I have lost days from my memory." I slow down and breathe. I think about the subtle differences I learned between Quenya and Sindarin. Think, think Katheryn. I sit down on the log and try to think.

I wish I would have learned this before I started writing. Okay, if I wrote this and this reality is based off of my story, if I can remember by instinct how to fight, then I should be able to speak Quenya. Breathe, Breathe. I use my breathing exercises.

I begin to speak to test my theory. "I am truly sorry My Lord, will you please forgive me. I have not had much sleep and it has taken a toll."

"That sounds more like you Ithilwen." He shows me a smile. Yes! It worked. I can't contain my excitement. "Do you feel better?"

"Very much." I say giggling. I wonder if I can change things this way? I found out Thranduil can speak Quenya one evening on the balcony. I have helped him with the differences of the two languages. I walk back with him to the path. "Thranduil?" He looks down at me. "How do you know Vanyarin?"

"We have already had this conversation love." He sighs. "When I was back in Doriath growing up, I learned Quenya from an Noldorin Elf. Because it was outlawed to speak the language by King Thingol, I only learned the language in secret. I never began to speak it in normal conversation until you. When my father moved us to Lindon, the Noldorin Elf with many others followed. That is when I truly learned the language enough to speak with you in this manner. You are the one that helped me understand the differences between Vanyarin and Noldorin Quenya. I look at him and smile. "What is it?" It is not completely my story. He has many of my elements but he is Thranduil in his own right.

He leans down and kisses me lightly on the lips. I feel that same tickle in my belly that I feel with Brín. For a moment I am not thinking about anything but the King and I. Being in Thranduil's presence is intoxicating, just as I always imagined it would be.

I can hear him speak the language, and it is a beautiful language. I hear Irish, much in the same way. I know how to speak it enough to have simple conversations. Since I am not a native speaker, I will always hear the language and separate it from English, it will never feel natural, maybe.

He tries to deepen the kiss, but I turn away. Now Thranduil looks just like him, Lee Pace, but he is not him. Yes, the air about him is the same as in the movie, the forcefulness, the authoritative tone in his voice, but not with me. Which is what I wrote into the story; for the reason that I believe that when he is in private with someone he truly loves, in the way he loves Ithilwen, he would be a gentle, compassionate lover that would take on the world for her. Being king in a time such as this you need to walk the line between authoritarian and egalitarian rule. Which I believe he does but seems to lean more toward the authoritarian side with court issues.

I push him back gently. I pause trying to think up an excuse, "My Lord, not here it is too public."

He looks around, "public for who, the animals?" He silently chuckles.

"No one likes that." I snap. He thinks this is funny and I know I am in Ithilwen's body, but come on. My wrist hurts so much I want to cry. I forgot about Brín! I gasp. I just want to go to sleep and hopefully wake up in bed next to him.

"Do not be an impudent woman, I am still king." He says sternly. I show him an annoyed look. "Manwë is waiting, we must get back to the city before dark." He is trying to reason with me but Brín can't even do that.

He moves his hand and rubs it on the small of my back, I feel cared for with such a loving touch. I nod and walk with him to the path.

"Is everything alright My Lord?" Manwë asks with much concern.

"Yes," he says flatly. He helps me back onto my horse, then takes his place behind me.

Would this be Chapter Seven? Maybe.


	9. Chapter 7

**Trigger Warning: there is rape in this chapter.**

 **Chapter Seven:** Wow, I just made a chapter in my own life.

We make it to the outside of the city, it is beautiful and breathtaking. The most extraordinary piece of architecture I have ever seen. Seeing Imladris, or even Mordor right now would be a dream. I am so hungry for adventure. We make our way to the stables.

As Thranduil helps me off of the horse, "Lady Ithilwen, I am glad you are well." Manwë says with a smile. "I will grab my herbs from the healing hall and bring them to you."

"I would not say that exactly, but I soon will be." I say stumbling over my words trying not to sound Southern or shorten them. Manwë and the stable hand leaves me and Thranduil alone.

He places his hand on my arm, and I look up. "Please tell me what it is. I will help you."

Just as if the atmosphere would just disappear and the waters would spill out over the earth into space, his barrier did just that. I have everything that makes him, him. I could ask him for anything, even everything and I am sure I would get it and more. I let the moment pass. I feel safe with him, just as I feel with Brín.

"I don't.. do not know what has been going on with me. I am at a loss for answers. I have forgotten so much, as if I were not me at all. I remember very little. Will you help me remember?"

"Yes, anything that you ask of me, I will do." He smiles at me before he lends down to kiss my forehead.

What do I ask of him? I want to ask him so many things. I am so overwhelmed with it all. "My Lord?" He pulls back to see my face. "At this moment, I ask that you will hold me." I want Brín to hold me. I need him to make me feel safe, for nothing is safe anymore.

He takes my hand and leads me through this tunnel to a flight of stairs. Beautiful cast-iron spiral stairs that are so intricate with leaves and vines. We climb so many stairs. More than I could at the gym on the stair climbers. He opens a door to his bedchambers and a fire is already lit. To me, it seems it is their time of fall. It is more lovely than I could have ever imagined. His bed is just as I described it, with a lovely green comforter on it. There is a black bear rug on the floor in front of the fire, which always felt odd to me. You can't really walk on them because they get dirty, so why have them at all? The mantle about the fire place is lovely with yet again leaves. That makes me smile.

"Do you not have enough leaves in the forest?" I ask starting to laugh.

"It is not as though you have never seen my bedchambers. You have never said anything before." He looks at me as if the comment does not faze him. I don't respond. I allow him to pull me into an embrace. And I felt as if he were Brín for a moment.

Speaking into his chest, "I am sorry. I am sorry honey."

"Honey?" He pulls back with a half smile on his face. "That is an odd term of endearment. Why honey?"

But it is not him, and I don't know what to say. My face turns red with embarrassment. "Honey. I. Um. I need you like I need the honey in my tea." I force out. I smile at him trying to make the situation light.

"That is odd, but lovely all the same. Ithilwen, do not be sorry when it is something that causes you such distress."

"What was I saying before I left the city?" I ask as I sit down on the small couch that is situated in front of the fire, trying not to move my wrist. It hurts so much, I AM GOING TO DIE!

"You were seeing things according to Tauriel and you were unsure what was real. She said that you pushed her on the floor when she was trying to console you. You told her that she was not real, that nothing was and you believed you were not real either. She was so worried for you, and nothing she could say would help. You were yelling at everyone. Telling them they were not real. Do you know why you felt this way?" He sighs then takes my hand.

"Simply My Lord, I have not slept in days." I say hushed. "Could you send for Tauriel so that I may see her. I feel terrible even if I do not remember what I did."

"Yes, of course. Miluiel!" He raises his voice so she could hear.

"Yes, My Lord?"

He turns to see her. "Send for Tauriel."

"Yes, My Lord," she says as she curtseys and walks out.

Only moments later does Tauriel walk in. She is so beautiful, the most beautiful woman I have ever seen who is not a goddess. She is so breathtaking that I forget to breathe. Her auburn hair dresses her shoulders, as if she had just brushed it. She is in her uniform which hides what little curves she has. Her skin is so fare with no blemishes or signs of ageing. She is absolutely the embodiment of perfection. She turns to see me, "Ithilwen!" Running right over to me, she does not acknowledge Thranduil. She sits on her knees in front of me.

"Are you well? What can I do?" She sounds worried, grabbing my hands causing me to wince at the pain. "Oh, love." Looking down at my wrist, she can see the bruising and swelling. She runs her hand lightly over it causing warmth to permeate through it. Beautiful whispers escape her lips as if the words she speaks was the magic of the universe flowing through every thing that is us. When she pulls her hand away, it is completely healed. My pain is gone! This is so amazing. I would be a great nurse if I could do this with my patients.

Turning her attention back to me, "yes Tauriel, I do not remember what happened today or rather any of the past week." I force a smile.

"Where did you find her?" She turns to Thranduil.

I hear his thought, the disrespect she shows me.

"I was near the border of the forest." I look into her eyes. I think, you need to acknowledge him.

"Oh, My Lord, I am truly sorry." She says as she looks at him.

Well I guess that is how that works. Intention.

"She is very fragile. She does not seem to be herself. When some heathens attacked us in the forest, she hid behind a tree. She killed one of them and well, she had the reaction that many have on their first kill, she could not breathe." He sounds so confused, but calm.

"Ithilwen?" She asks as she runs the back of her fingers along my cheek. I grab her hand to examine it. I'm not sure why, but I seem to know this touch, as if I always have. Her hands are small and slender.

"Did I do that?" I feel so sad that I would have pushed her and yelled at her. She seems to have cuts on her palm and forearm. When I kiss them and wish for them to heal, my lips grow warm. I pull back and they are gone, just as if the skin had never been damaged at all.

"It is alright. You were not thinking straight." I trace the lines in her hands taking note of every detail. I remember doing this so many times before, but I have never done this. I have her brain, maybe this can happen.

"I must ask your forgiveness. Never again, I swear." My heart hurts that I did this to her, or what Ithilwen did. Ithilwen scared her and worse hurt her heart. I can feel it from her like I am taking in her energy.

"Ithilwen, do not be concerned, I am alright. You did nothing wrong, so there is no need for forgiveness." I can feel love from her as she squeezes my hand. I give her a look of seriousness. "Then you are forgiven love." She stops short and her face is red with embarrassment.

"All is well Tauriel." He says in the softest tone. "She is back with us. But I do fear, that there is some outside influence at work. She mentioned magic when I saw her fall from a white light. Now she can not remember the last week or even details of her own life."

Tauriel loses what barrier she had on her emotions and tears form in her eyes. What if she forgot me? I hear her thought. "I have not forgotten you. How can anyone forget you Tauriel." I smile down at her since she is still on her knees. Maybe I do not remember her when it comes to specific memories, but my heart remembers which is enough.

"Thank you. Just be here for me. I need that right now." She smiles up at me. I then notice she is still on the floor. Tugging her up slightly, "sit," I say as I look at the spot to the left of me. I touch her thigh as if it was natural. Noticing what I had done, I jerk my hand away.

Stop this right now, you know none of these people! I get this flashback where it is with me, uh Ithilwen. She rubbed her leg, closing the gap between them. Ithilwen sits on Tauriel's lap claiming her neck. I feel a flutter in my belly. Closing my eyes, I seem to be there. I am taking off her night gown, watching every movement her body makes. Claiming her lips with mine, feeling the sensation of her lips, I am doing this, but it is not me. I can taste her kiss, she tastes like sweet red wine. I kiss down her body until I get to her legs. Placing my hands under her thighs gently pulling her lower half closer to me, I take in everything. How she feels as I run my finger tips along her hip bone. The smell of her even intoxicates me. I finally taste her and my breath catches.

Tauriel touches my arm and I open my eyes to see her staring at me. I feel my face and ears flush. Tauriel stands, "Ithiwlen, My Lord, I will take my leave." Before I can protest, she walks out of the bedroom.

I turn to Thranduil still feeling embarrassment. "My Lord?"

"Yes, Ithilwen?" He asks with a bit of humour. Which makes my let out a short laugh.

"I am sorry that was disrespectful." I say calm.

"Did you remember something?" He turns his head anticipating my words.

"Yes I did." I smile.

He grabs my wrist and lightly drags me across the couch. "Maybe you can remember something else." That lovely sly smile appears on his face. I want him.

When he kisses me I begin to feel a flutter in my belly settling down low. I then pull back as I feel anxiety grow inside me. I do not wish to cheat on Brín, I love him. Thoughts fly around in my head, this has to stop, I jumped off that cliff, I want to die. I can't handle this. I'M NOT GONNA. With a nervous voice, "I. I need to go." I jerk away from his embrace.

I run from his chambers out to the corridor. I don't know this corridor but I do? I have to lie down; I need to sleep. Walking the halls for what seems like hours I realise that not having a watch or a phone makes is very hard to tell time. I can't find my chambers. Well I truly have no idea where they are, nor do I know this city at all. Running my hand along the walls, they are cold with the sadness of times past, terrible times when there was darkness. I can hear the city weeping. The archways are so beautiful being so full of art. Many of the doorways have carvings of images from past battles, with many symbols in elvish above them. I hear nothing but the sounds of whispers through the halls from the wind.

I step to the edge of the wall, with it having columns so I can see out. Much like windows, but they seem to bring a calming feeling somehow. I can see the tree tops as it is getting colder and the leaves are changing. Their fall is so lovely being within the forest. Oh. I wish Brín was here to share this moment with me. I have not felt this still in weeks from the mania. Feeling a sense of joy as the sun goes behind the trees, it brings a feeling to me that I have never felt in my life. Everyone seems to radiate happiness that is around me. I could even feel what Thranduil was feeling. I know it is a gift, well one I gave Ithilwen.

I could die right here, right now and die happy and peaceful. The wind kisses my face as if to tell me I am finally home. I can't believe Mother Bridgit is truly real and she loves me enough to make this real. Even after I no longer believed, she still loves me. Thank you Bridgit. I wonder when I will meet Morrighan. Maybe in battle? It would be very fitting and romanticised.

I am brought out of my thoughts with a touch on the small of my back. I jump as I am startled and turn to see Tauriel. As I lay my hand on one of the columns to hold myself up she speaks. "Ithilwen, I am very sorry I startled you. You always know it is me." She smiles, and my heart begins to beat faster when I feel the emotion that flows from her in a rapid tidal wave. Her love for me, um well, for Ithilwen is boundless. She is so beautiful. Her auburn hair waves slightly from the wind blowing through it. I allow my eyes to slowly move up her body taking in every fibre of her being. So pale, so beautiful. I watch as her chest rises and falls, as if I were taking her vitals. Taking in her neck that is so slender, I have the urge to kiss it. Instead I reach out and run my finger tips along the exposed area. Bumps rise as my touch causes her to shiver. When her breath catches, she pulls my hand away. I don't know why I did that. Yes I do. I, I think. I want to touch her. My body responds to her as if I were Ithilwen.

I am brought back to René Descarte's beliefs. I think, therefore I am. He said the mind is separate from the body. Maybe it is? Maybe because the pathways in her brain that are there from her memories and concepts allow me to remember and feel as she does. Which means consciousness only shares this body. Plausible? My head starts to ache. I JUST DON'T KNOW!

I bring my attention to her face. Yet again, I have an urge to touch her. I give into my body's plea. Running my finger tips along her jaw line, causes her eyes to close with a quiet moan. Paying attention to every detail of her responses, her lovely green eyes are hidden away from me. I feel myself almost beg to see them again. As I trace the patterns of her cheek bones to the point of her ears rubbing the tip between my forefinger and thumb, her eyes flutter open jerking away from me.

"Ithilwen!" She says forceful and breathless.

I feel my cheeks flush, as I realise what I had just done. It was like a natural response, as if my body just knew what to do.

"Not here. But I tell you now that you need to get rest. You have not slept in days. You lost your senses and I do not know how to help you." Tears form in her eyes.

Her eyes seem so sad now. I reach up to the torch on column running my hand above it to light it. Her eyes glimmer in the fire light. Looking within them, I find flakes of silver mixed with the green of her iris. Wishing to see her eyes response to my touch I place my hand on the small of her back pulling her closer. She looks at me with anxiety, then as I hold her just a moment longer, they seem to soften. Her pupils begin to palpate as she awaits my next move. I run my hand along her side and rest it onto her stomach. Her eyes widen and I can see everything that is her. She now has come undone for me. My heart loves this woman, in the same way that I love Brín, but I fear that Ithilwen may love her more.

I look around and see no one and place my lips on hers in the lightest or touches. When she does not protest, I deepen the kiss. Watching her eyes intently seeing the sliver in her irises grow brighter; I fall in love with them as she allows me to see into her soul. Once I hear laugher I pull away. Two women pass in the hallway acknowledging us.

I realise what I had done, "Tauriel, please forgive me. I am sorry. It was too public. I."

She stops me short, "Ithilwen, you are acting very odd."

I show her a sad look. "You don't like what I just did?"

"I do, I just. I do not know. You do not feel like Ithilwen." She places her hand over mine stepping closer.

"Your gonna have to like the new Ithilwen." OH MY GOD! I think I'm still high. For the first time, I truly want to try to be her. To be Katheryn in Mirkwood, who looks so beautiful and perfect. With abilities such as singing that I have always wanted.

She raises an eyebrow. "Gonna? You have never said such a thing. I assume it means going to. You only bring words together when you are drinking." She smiles and softly laughs at me. "Tell me what happened earlier please."

I remember her saying that I was with her. "I had acute psychosis." Oh they don't know that word. Damnit. She just looks at me.

I hear her thought, "What does that mean? Elaborate Ithilwen."

"Psychosis is like, well it is when you do not know what is happening. You may not know what is reality. I touched you and it did not feel real. I was seeing things and hearing voices from people who were not there." I felt this before I was about to jump. "I was feeling as if someone kept touching me but I was alone. When I was with you, I felt this too, but you were not touching me. I just. I could not. Tauriel, simply I could not tell the difference between what was real, and what was not." I say this as if I were truly there.

Tears fall from her eyes. I feel as though all the happiness is gone from the world, seeing her cry as she is. She draws me into a hug and holds Ithilwen with tenderness and concern. "I am sorry my love. Let me do something. That sounds like torture with no end," she whispers.

I allow tears to fall from my face. I am myself with her, I am Katheryn. "It is beyond the essence of turmoil. And the chaos within my mind is unbearable. I tried to end it. Tauriel that is where I went." I wish I was saying these things to Brín. I need him right now. I need his arms wrapped around me, protecting me from all the evil in the world. He is my impenetrable shield but I settle for Tauriel. Somehow with her love, it is enough. I begin to cry now, not knowing what to do. I feel my knees grow weak.

"Tauriel, take me to my chambers. I need to lie down."

"Very well." She walks me to my chambers knowing all the while that I was following her. Seems that some memories I do not? Don't? Do not. I sigh, do not have. I remember this hall I think to myself. "You should, it is the one you stay in." She giggles, then shows a look of concern on her face.

She stops at a door I do not remember. I turn the handle with hesitation, as I walk in I see my, Ithilwen's bed, it is just a plain canopy. I did not think that her room would be this small, or boring. It needs pictures on the walls and tapestries, so much empty space. On my, her desk in the corner by the fireplace, has a book on it. I turn to see Tauriel closing the door. She unties my dress sliding it down my arms to my waist. I can't believe they don't wear bras. I wrote in that they had corsets, so where are they? She slowly brings it over my hips; it falls to the floor pooling around my feet with a heavy drop. I AM NOT WEARING ANY UNDERWEAR. She walks over to the chair at the desk pulling off a nightgown. She helps me put it on.

"Tauriel, will you stay with me tonight? I don't. I do not wish to sleep alone." I have got to stop using contractions. Maybe I will keep gonna! I let out a short laugh.

"What is it?"

"Nothing. Will you?" I look at her pleading with my eyes.

"Yes, love." She grabs my hand in the gentlest manner, as if she had never grabbed it at all.

"You can not wear that Tauriel. My dress was very uncomfortable, I can only imagine how that uniform feels."

"Well Ithilwen, I must say that it is not the most comfortable but it serves its purpose." She looks at me in annoyance with a hint of humour. "But you already know this. You wear this nearly everyday."

"Of course." I shake my head trying to make the embarrassment leave me. She lights the fire, then she walks over to the armoire and takes out a nightgown. This one is not green like the one I am wearing, it is a lovely black colour. A shiny material. She begins to undress first taking off her, I guess that would be something like a jacket. Layer by layer I watch her movements intently. Under her long shirt is a shirt sort of like a tank top resembling one with a bra built in to hold her breasts in place. Sliding off her leggings, I can see how flawless her body is. While she is taking off her undershirt, her breasts fall out from underneath with a slight motion. They may be small at a size B, but they are beautiful all the same.

She is now standing in front of me clad in nothing but the essence of her raw beauty. I feel my body grow flush from arousal. I wish to touch her, I want to hold her and love her. Ithilwen truly had a hard time choosing between a king that was her first love, and the embodiment of perfection.

Something came over me, as if it was an innate drive from within. This woman is making me feel things I have never felt. Whether it is because this is Ithilwen's body or I have never found the right woman, but it is there all the same. I take the nightgown from her hands and discard it to the floor. She looks at me with confusion. I pull her close by placing my hand on the small of her back. Her breath catches and she tries to grab my writs. I lead a trail of kisses down her neck to her collarbones. Immediately, I kiss down her stomach, resting on my knees, stoping at her belly button. I know that the hygiene in this time is not the greatest, but she is clean as if she just bathed. I begin to lick all of her exposed skin tasting her. She lets out a moan that causes bumps to rise on my skin.

I spin her around paying attention to her backside. It may not be very big, but it is still truly lovely. I first kiss her there slowly turning them into nibbles trailing them down her thigh. I bit down hard causing her to cry out in pain.

"Ithilwen!" She breaths out. I let out a giggle and continue kissing her.

I bring myself to a stand leading her to my, well Ithilwen's bed. Laying her down, I take my place between her legs. Her smell is intoxicating, just as if I had drank a whole bottle of wine. I lean back on my knees taking in all of her.

She looks like Evangeline Lily, but she does not feel the same. In the movie she made me feel a certain way, but this woman in front of me is nothing of the sort. She is her own person. Having subtle differences which I can only see now. She is taller than the actress. I know that elves are supposed to look as though they never age, but when this woman smiles, small wrinkles form in the corners of her eyes and mouth. So very, so. She is just so hard to describe. Just utterly perfect. Her skin is as porcelain that can be easily cracked.

She grabs my wrist drawing my attention to her eyes. I see the green flickering in the fire light. She slides back rising from the bed. Walking over to the desk, she pulls out a drawer, showing me a small pouch. Looking at me for approval, I shake my head yes, not knowing what is in it. Pulling out leaves, she eats two, while giving me two. I smile at her knowing what this will do. Tasting the leaves causes me to look around for something else to get the taste out of my mouth. I point at the wine bottle on the nightstand. She hands me a glass and I wince at how strong the wine is. She does the same before reclaiming her position under me. I claim her lips.

"Katheryn!" I hear from behind me. "Katheryn, she is mine!" A woman's voice. My voice! I walk over to the desk and I can see me looking at me in the book. It is mine and Brín's bedroom. "You stop this right now. Tauriel is mine, and YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF OF HER!"

"Tauriel come here." I say not looking away from the book. She whines in protest. "Come here." She grunts with disapproval as she gets up. She wraps her arms around me. We are both naked in front of Ithilwen. "What do you see?"

She brings the candle over the page of the book. There is a light on behind Ithilwen so I can see her. "A picture you have drawn with charcoal, why?" She turns from me.

"You are intoxicated. Do not touch her again!" Ithilwen is very angry. "Ask her to leave now." So demanding.

Tauriel walks up from behind me holding leaves up to my lips. I allow her to feed them to me. No matter how bad they taste I look at Ithilwen in defiance. I'm pretty high right now, I have to admit.

"Oh, Katheryn. This is not over." Without another word I close the book.

Laying her back down, I kiss down her neck to her stomach and back up waiting on the the leaves to kick in. Once I get to her thighs, I can smell her and I no longer can wait. I lower my head between her legs and taste her. I have never tasted any woman that tasted like her, so sweet I can almost compare her to candy.

I can feel the high of the leaves hit me; my whole body feels as though it is vibrating. The flutter in my stomach becomes stronger and settles down low. She is bucking her hips against me begging for more. I lean back onto my knees rubbing down from her hips to her ankles. I lift her foot and kiss the tips of her toes. Her feet are small, with her toes stepping down in length. The way I see feet being beautiful. Taking each of her toes into my mouth I watch her reactions. Her eyes close with light moaning escaping from behind her lips. When they flutter open, they plead with me.

I give into it and begin to kiss her again. She bucks her hips into me trying to make me go faster. I pull back shaking my head. She stares down at me filled with passion knowing that she loves me. I can feel it. How can this woman be so willing to share me, well Ithilwen. With all that love.

I slide one finger in hearing her breath catch, still watching her. She is so very wet, I slide another one in waiting on her protest. When she shows none, I slide a third finger in. She moans and pushes her head back into the pillow, pushing her hips into me. I begin to kiss her again, now feeling what she is feeling. Her legs rub against my face, they seem as if they are tightening around me. I speed up the pace listening to every moan that comes from her. The faster I go, the louder she gets. Her moans are like music that bring me closer with each note. Her legs tighten around me as she feels for my hand. With the arm I'm resting on, I give it to her allowing her to intertwine her fingers with mine. I can feel her tighten around them, as her moans tell me when reaches a peak. She throws her head back into the pillow raising her hips onto me. When her orgasm subsides I continue to taste her, so sweet as if she were forbidden fruit.

"Ithilwen, I can not again." She begs me to stop. I do not listen and slide one of my fingers out of her, as I start with soft motions kissing her in the most gentle way. After some time, I replace my third finger and listen to her moans become loader as she reaches ever so close to bliss. They make me melt underneath her, and I am hers fully. Not as Ithilwen, but as me. Katheryn. Ithilwen's body may remember the way she feels, and the way she tastes, but this woman's love has dug a place out in her heart which I can feel in every essence of my being. Once she reaches orgasm, one forces its way through my body causing me to cry out in pleasure. I have never felt this, an orgasm without any stimulation. I cannot think, it makes me see lights from behind my eyes like I am watching a fire works show on the fourth of July.

I slowly slide my fingers out of her bringing them up to her lips. She receives them willingly. Seeing her reaction to her own taste, I let a moan escape.

She pulls me to take my place laying down in front of her. As she tightens her embrace on me, I hear her thought. "I cannot believe this is happening. She was not alright, but now she is? She is Ithilwen, but she is not. I will never let her go, for as long as I breathe. He cannot have her." I eventually fall asleep within her arms by the sound of her breaths.

I awake the next morning to a knock on the door. Tauriel slides on her dress then she brushes through her hair.

"Tidurian. Why are you here?" She says flatly.

"King Thranduil has asked to see you both."

"What is this about?" She puts her hand over her mouth as she yawns.

"I do not know. He spoke of her leaving abruptly last night. I suppose that is it. "

"It will be sometime. I need to show her to the bath house and find her a clean dress. I ask that you not tell the king I stayed with her last night." She whispers, "I was so worried." I wish that I could see everything that is going on.

"He will not know. Tauriel, I cannot guarantee he will accept these reasons. He is worried about her, just as you are. She has taken on so much responsibility with the kingdom, her children and teaching. She has forgotten herself. I think we all knew it would eventually come to this."

"I just do not want to give her up yet."

"I understand. He was speaking to Legolas this morning about how she felt different. He knew her, but did not know her. I fear something will happen. Whether she is her or not, speak with her. Help her get everything together. Do you know what I am trying to say?"

"Yes."

"No more talk of this kind of magic."

"Of course." Tauriel closes the door. She turns to me. "You heard everything?"

"Yes. I did." I raise up on the edge of the bed. The sunlight shines through the window and I see how perfect Ithilwen's body is. Even if I don't want to be part of this world, I have to be. I am not high this morning and everything matters, everything hurts. I look down at Ithilwen's upper thigh and can see scars from a large stab wound. I whisper, "when did I get this?"

I gasp remembering the battle so long ago with all the evil of the world. An orc threw a spear at her and it went into her leg. It threw her about two yards before she hit a hill and slid down it. Everything going black, Elrond finding her and trying to wake her.

"Ithilwen, get up. It is not safe." He yells panicked. Pulling her up by her arm. Everything is so cloudy. It is hard to figure out what is going on. She can hear people screaming in all directions. Her adrenaline is up and she is so fearful. She can feel his fear.

"Elrond, I. I am hurting," she begins to cry.

"I know." She reaches for her face and it stings to the touch.

She cries out. "What is it?" She looks down at her leg and sees the tip of the spear still in her thigh.

"I tried to get it out, but it keeps bleeding. I need to move you."

"Stop, why is there blood on my face?"

"I have healed you the best I can without my herbs. Your face and your broken bones are healed, but I can only do so much without herbs. The spear has been dipped in poison, and I believe it has a spell on it. Many of the weapons seem to be like this. Our healers are having a hard time. Now can we move?" Without her approval, he picks her up and runs her to a different area of the field. He speaks to someone and moves to leave.

She sits up on her elbows. "Elrond," he turns back to her. "You have always been honest with me. Be honest now." She demands. Weakness fills her and she falls onto her back. He leaves without a word.

That response is what made her leave and move to Mirkwood. Trust, just as it is important to me it is very important to her. It truly hurt her beyond measure. She felt as though she was being left to die alone. By happenstance it was Elrond that found her, and she had always done her best at battle while living in Imladris. It broke her heart, that someone such as him, someone she could trust, left her.

"Tell me true, Ithilwen. Is it magic?" Tauriel looks at me as if she is defeated.

"Memories are slowly coming back to me. Don't. Damn it. Do not worry please."

"Do NOT curse!" My face grows flush with embarrassment. She saw that I was remorseful and her expression softened. "Why do you not feel like her? You loved me last night and it was beautiful, but it felt different. You were more gentle with me, and more focused on me than you usually are. You have never kissed my feet in that manner. I need you to be alright." She sits down next to me. Tears stream down her face.

"Tauriel, I do not know why you say I don't feel like Ithilwen." She knows it is a lie.

She stops me short, "well the shortened words are not normal. You know words that we have never used before. You act different."

"I am Ithilwen. I have known these words for a long time. They came from the Druids in the west. I have never used them in the past because I felt like I did not have a reason to use them. I know what he said to you. I will do my very best to act like me. But understand Tauriel, I have changed. I am not sure if it is for the better or for the worse, but I do know that I chose this."

"What do you mean chose?" She stares at me waiting for an answer she does not want to hear.

"The white light was from the Mother. The Goddess. I went to try to kill myself. I know that as elves we can not do such a thing, and yet I have found a way. I met her and the Father. They gave me a choice. I chose this Tauriel. I am irrevocably changed. I am me, but I can never be the way that I was. I have seen truth and love beyond measure. They are truly real and their love for us only becomes more apparent everyday." I wipe tears off her cheeks.

"Then why did you tell Thranduil that it was magic?"

"I am not even sure if he believes in the faith that I speak of. Eru Ilúvatar is who he believes in." As the thought pops into my head. That is the Elvish God. "I need your help."

"Anything Ithilwen. But a goddess? Do you mean Elbereth? " She turns her body to me and grabs my hands.

"Elbereth?"

"Varda Elentári of the Ainur." She looks at me confused as if I should already know this."

I remember reading about her. "Yes, the Lady of the Stars. That is who I saw."

"You said god, then you must have saw Manwë with her." I nod my head at her, trying to remember what very little Tolkein said about the Elvish faith.

"I have forgotten many things from my life. Help me remember. Help me fulfil my duties and responsibilities. You know how I feel about him, I can not let him down after all these years."

She is filled with sadness. "I will help you." She says flatly.

I lit her chin with my finger. "Tauriel, no matter how much I love him, I will never leave you. He tells me I do not have to choose but please know that I will always choose you. Every time."

"I have never asked you to choose. I knew how you felt about him before we fell in love."

"I know, but I need you to know this. I don't care if anyone understands or not. I love you." I smile at her as tears fall from my eyes. I wanted to put this in the story for so long, but I never knew how. She leans her forehead on mine. I pull back, "Tauriel, Thranduil has sent for us."

"Yes! Do you want to wash up before you go see him?"

"Do I need to?"

"No. We can just find you a clean dress. We can even use some perfume if you would like?"

"Which dress darlin'? She raises an eyebrow. My cheeks grow red.

"I think either your black, or blue one would be nice. The light blue." She speaks as if it doesn't faze her.

"Tauriel, is that even an option? The black one."

"Very well." She helps me with my corset. Here it is, where the hell was it when I was running through the forest? I never knew how much these steel bone corsets are so uncomfortable. At least it is seasoned. She helps me with my dress. I feel so overwhelmed, I miss Brín, and I miss Bella.

"I am not cut out for this?" I sigh.

"Cut out for what?"

"Cut out to be Ithilwen."

"I may not understand what is going on, but I will do whatever it takes to help you." With that, I just go lay down on Ithilwen's. My bed. It's my life now. I cannot go back on my decision anymore. I start to have a panic attack. Tauriel lays down behind me, and holds me so tight I feel like I am going to pop out of my corset. It is actually helping me calm down slightly.

"Please, don't leave me." I say through panicked breaths.

"I am here. I am right here." She says as she begins to rub my eyebrow with her finger. Somehow she just knows that this helps calm someone down from a panic attack.

"Have I done this before?" I ask trying to count my breathes.

"Yes, ever since you lost Bellethiel. Do you not remember?"

"I can't remember those things right now." My heart aches to remember that my child is gone. No Ithilwen's heart.

Once I calm, she raises on the bed. "We must go Ithilwen." I nod my head. She runs a brush through her hair. Grabbing the brush from her, I slowly brushing through my hair I hear make the noise straightening my tangles. I feel how smooth my hair is and watch as the length of it fall to my breasts.

"Tauriel?" I ask. She just looks at me. "Will you put a braid in my hair?"

"We do not really have the time to be doing that. When we get back I would be happy to do so." I nod and follow her out the door. I find Tidurian walking up to my bedroom.

"Finally. He is in his throne room." We both follow him through the maze of hallways that is this city. People look at me very odd as I pass them in the hallway.

I turn to Tauriel. "Do people not forget anything?" I whisper.

"It only just happened yesterday. It will take some time, but yes they will."

Tidurian turns around as he stops in front of a tall staircase. "No more talk of magic." He looks at both of us to respond. We both nod our heads. "If he asks any questions, Tauriel just answer them silently and Ithilwen can listen to your answers." We both nod as we understand his instructions.

We follow him up the stairs. This part of the city that I can see is magnificent. Everything is open. They spent much time on it and the craftsmanship is so mesmeric, I am in awe of the fact that this beautiful city actually real. Everything is made of stone or trees. Wow! I am glad I truly get to see this.

"Lady Tauriel, and Lady Ithilwen, My Lord." Tidurian says as he bows. I then look at his throne. It is even more lovely than the movie, since it is bigger in size and more intricate. It has leaves and vines crafted into the seat itself.

There he is, in all his glory. Thranduil, king of Mirkwood. Ithilwen's heart begins to beat faster. He uncrosses his legs and stands. He moves his cloak as it falls at his sides. My breath catches and I now know how Ithilwen felt for so long. She wanted to love this man but could not have him. I cannot forget Brín.

"It is about time you two ladies have gotten here." He lets out a snort. "Leave us." He raises his voice. All the court servants leave the area and his expression softens. "Ithilwen, how are you feeling?"

"I am well My Lord. I got sleep." Among other things. I show a smirk, but hide it as fast as I show it.

"I am very pleased. Tauriel, do you feel better? Last night you were very distraught."

"Yes, I believe she is coming back to herself."

"Do you remember more Ithilwen?" He asks as he steps closer.

"I do. More memories have come back." He smiles at me.

"My Lord, if I may speak?" Tauriel asks. He turns his attention towards her and nods. "She told me last night that she was trying to kill herself because of a break in reality. Or rather her not knowing what was real." She is trying to not explain these things how I said them.

"Ithilwen surely you know that you can not kill yourself. We have even spoken about Beriadan trying to do this." He shows a vexed expression on his face.

"She says she has found a way. She does not remember how, but she tried. That is where I think the light came from. I believe it was a way for her to release all her energy. Since she has not chosen a mortal life, I know she cannot do such a thing." He turns to look at me.

"It this truly what you want? Do you want to die Ithilwen?" His voice begins to crack.

"No, I . I do not want to die. I just need time to. I need. My sadness will soon leave me." I am frazzled and do not know what to say or how to say it.

"Need time for what?" He asks as he walks closer looking down at me.

"Since energy was released in that way that it was, it caused many problems. I believe that because it was a failed attempt I am regaining it back. It is only taking longer than anticipated. I think that the forgotten memories were a result of this. It will all soon come back to me." I hear Tauriel's thought. Well done. "I need some time to regain some of these memories. I need time Thranduil." I breathe deep hoping I didn't say anything wrong.

"Then you will have it. What have you forgotten? Surely not your skills."

"No, only some personal memories. Some of our meetings I have forgotten as well and some relationships. I have even forgotten some things about my children." Where is Rúmil? I think to myself.

"I will help you in anyway I can." He smiles down at me. He places his hand on my wrist looking at it.

"It is healed." I place my hand on his to reassure him. When I do this, I close my eyes and he feels like he is Brín. For one moment I am with him and my heart does not hurt.

I look at Tauriel wanting to know what to do or say next. I turn back to Thranduil, "My Lord, may I take my leave? I need rest."

"Yes." He nods his head. Tauriel turns and starts heading down the stairs. I look back at Thranduil. He looks at me worried and I hear his thought: has she forgotten everything?

"I have not forgotten about our love." I smile at him hoping reassurance will help. A tear actually falls from his cheek. Without a thought, just as I do with Brín, I step closer to him and wrap my arms around his neck. For a second he is still. My heart beats faster thinking I have made a terrible mistake breaking a boundary. He then wraps his arms around me falling into my embrace. Who would have thought? He runs his hand up my back and back down. I pull away, looking at him for a moment. We stand in silence, but saying everything. I turn to leave.

I find Tauriel waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs. "Everything alright?" She asks in concern.

"Everything is fine. Will you take me out in the forest?" I ask hoping she will not tell me I need to rest.

"If that is what you wish, Ithilwen, but I think you need to rest." She pulls me to walk with her.

"Yeah especially after last night, I didn't get much sleep." I grin then bite my lip.

"Ithilwen, do not speak in such a manner." She whispers and grabs my wrist to follow.

"Can I not be honest?" I lean closer to her and moan in her ear.

"Ithilwen! Yes you can be honest, but do not speak in such a manner in public." She says low and forced.

I stop at a window in one of the halls we have not walked through yet. Looking outside, I see the sun shining through the tops of the trees and the leaves look transparent. I smile at the warm air, causing me to think of times past, when at this time I would start taking walks and go on hikes. I remember going on a hike with Brín at one of the national parks in Virginia. We hiked a total of thirty miles in a four day hike. We spent our nights in a tent with only a capacity of two people. Every night I would lay down and be so frightened of what animal could come around our camp and Brín would make sure I would fall asleep before him. I love him for that. He always thought of me before himself; always catering to me, never questioning my reasoning until I was just being impossible. Only Brín has ever showed me love in that way.

I was on our fourth date when I got a call from my mother saying that my cousin, who I practically raised until he was fourteen because my aunt and uncle were never around, died of a drug overdose. The only reason at that time to be around the family was him. Justin. I truly miss him. I left the dinner early, ending up sitting in my car.

After about ten minutes of me crying in the parking lot in silence, someone knocked on my window. Brín knocked on my window. I got out of the car and told him what happened. I allowed him to hold me. I then knew I wanted to be with him forever.

I had never found someone to hold me and I feel safe. No one had ever loved me enough until him. It took me five months to let him stay at my house with me overnight. He was so amazing, not pushing me to have sex with him. He allowed us to be intimate by just holding me while I slept. For me, I have to trust someone so much to do that, which is the most intimate thing I could ever experience, someone I trust enough to hold me from behind. He knew this. The next morning he woke me up with kisses on my cheek and nose. He told me he loved me for the first time and I made room for him in my heart. I want Brín back. Thranduil is not him. I want Brín.

Tauriel startles me with her hand on my lower back. "Is everything alright love?" She whispers.

"Yes." I sigh. "I am just missing someone." I turn away from her and walk back toward the Grand Corridor.

When she catches up to me, she grabs my arm. "Ithilwen, stop!" She pulls me to stop. "What is it?"

I jerk away from her grasp. "No, Tauriel you stop." I say too forced with anger. "I want to be alone right now." I drawled, then slowly breathed to try to calm down. "Please I need to be alone."

She nods her head, "very well, but do you remember where anything is?" I look around and shake my head. "Then where do you want to go?" Her voice cracks. I lower my shoulders in defeat. I shake my head again. "Then I will take you somewhere to meditate and calm." I smile at her, because she loves me for which I do not understand. Wait Ithilwen loves her. She loves Ithilwen. For a moment I feel happy and cared for. But it leaves me just as quick as I felt it. I can feel her sadness for me, which is why she is helping me. She grabs the back of my arm and pulls me to follow.

After some time, we get to the highest point of the city. "This is an older part of the city. Do you remember Ithilwen?"

I look around and see how untouched this room is. Then a flashback comes over me: "Tauriel, where are you taking me?" Ithilwen has a blindfold on. "Please I cannot see." She says laughing.

Tauriel laughs, "then read my mind."

"Then that means your surprise will be ruined," Ithilwen smiles. She helps her up the stairs to the tower. Ithilwen had never been up here before.

She trips on one of the steps and skins her knee. I can feel the scrape! It really hurt, falling on stone. She feels around the step and sits down. "Can I please take this off now?" She asks feeling blood fall down her shin.

Tauriel bends down and places her hand over the wound and immediately it feels better. Ithilwen then feels her lips on her knee. "Is that better love?" She nods her head. Tauriel helps her back up and continues to lead. Finally getting to the open room, she takes off the blindfold.

Tauriel had laid out a blanket with an assortment of fruits and wine. Candles line the old shelves on the wall. It seems as though she has cleaned the room up. The windows are open with the beautiful columns with ornate leaf etchings. They spend much of the night sitting on the blanket holding one another staring at the stars. Ithilwen moves Tauriel's hair out of the way and kisses her neck. With that, they spent the rest of the night in their love.

"Yes, I remember the lovely night," I smile. "When did you move chairs and tapestries up here?"

She sighs, "at least you remember the important memories." She has cleaned it up and made it a space that is hers. A small desk sits in the corner. Although the room is round and somewhat small, she had made it very homey. Two blue tapestries hang on the wall, with two wooden chairs opposite from her desk. Many stones of the wall are cracked and crumbling. She has two torches on the columns. She lights them and there is a small brown rug in front of the chairs. It seems as though she has not been up here in years.

I take a seat in the chair next to the window. As she kneels, she pushes my legs apart to sit in between them. She lays her head on my thigh, "please tell me what to do." I look down at this beautiful woman who is waiting for an answer. I know she will do anything I ask of her, but I do not want her to do anything but to be here and love me. I begin to take the braid out of her hair.

"Tauriel?" She lifts her head to see my face. "Do you believe me?"

"Believe you about your amnesia? Of course I do. I can feel that you are lost. You know not where your chambers are or where the halls lead." She holds my hand in her's.

"Yes, but about the Goddess. About her giving me a choice and choosing middle earth."

"Choosing between middle earth and what, death?"

I just wanted to get it out and not keep it inside. My soul was screaming to be me. Katheryn. "No my life or middle earth. I am like Ithilwen. I am her but I am also me, Tauriel. I wish you could understand." I begin to cry at the thought of my life being gone. I am Ithilwen, or Ithilwen is who I want to be. I thought I needed to be her, but I need Brín. I need him more than anything. I did not know how much I relied on him until now. I got up everyday for him. I really tried to be me, and live for him. Only falling short of Katheryn. He needed me to be like I was, but I can't be. I have been changed and it can't be undone. I have been damaged beyond repair. I am a cracked porcelain doll that someone has dropped and with any movement I will shatter into a million pieces. I am no longer Katheryn, I am something so dark and damaged that I will never be anything good to Brín. I cannot love him the way he needs. I need Brín but I do not deserve him. I became a burden to him that was like a child he never wanted. He needs a wife, not me. I can never be anything good to anyone ever again.

Ever since I saw Leap Year, I wanted to be Anna. Then Brín came and I was Anna, but I was Katheryn in a love story of my own. A girl from the south who falls in love with an Irish man that is so understanding and is anything but average. A beautiful love story with a happy ending, until there was no happy ending. I was raped. He took everything from me. He took me away from Brín. Oh, Brín the life I caused you.

I cheated on Brín with Tauriel. I cannot believe I did that. I continue to cry and she wraps her arms around me and holds me. I close my eyes, and just for a moment it is Brín. Then Ithilwen's abilities allow me to hear her thoughts. "She will never be the same again." I feel her sadness that radiates from her.

"Tauriel, honey I will never be the same. But I will always love you more than life itself. If you were to die, I. You are more important to me than the world." I know it is not the whole truth, but it is truth for Brín, but I need someone right now, so I settle for this broken woman in front of me. "Tauriel can I tell you something?"

"Whatever you need to tell me, then tell me. Do not keep it in." She runs her finger along my cheek.

"I have been hurt and I need someone." I speak through the tears. "I have been hurt and I need love that is beyond measure. I don't know if it will fix it but I do know it will help. He hurt me in a way no man should ever hurt a woman. I do not know how to fix it or make it better. I hurt and it never stops. No one can make it feel better."

She stops me short. "You mean the man that gave you Áudryeil?"

"No, more recent." I continue to cry. "I need you to understand that he took something from me that I can no longer give anyone. He took my life and my heart. He took my soul. There is nothing I can do to reclaim it." I just close my eyes and try to breathe.

"I know about you and Thranduil," she says panicked. "Do you mean him?"

"No Tauriel." I place both of my hands on her cheeks and put my thumbs on her lips, tracing them with every motion.

Then I get a flash back of it. I was in my office. Being the head nurse in the ER, I got my own office. I heard with a knock on my door.

"Yes?" The door opens and it is Sebastian Mengle, the physician on the floor. He usually works the nights I work. "Brín, I have to go. I will talk to you later. I love you." I lay the phone down and look up. I just look at him waiting for an answer.

"Yes, I am on break and wanted to see what you were doing," he gives a smile.

"I am doing paperwork Sebastian, I don't have time for idle chit chat." I look back down at my paperwork and start filling in employee evaluations.

"You have time to talk to your husband."

"Yes," I snap. "To tell my husband I'm not coming home tonight since you are having me work a sixteen."

"I put you in this position. You don't even have two years of practice under your belt and I gave you this position. Is that really how you speak to your boss?" He sounds upset.

"When he acts in this way yes. Are you gonna leave and let me finish my evaluations?" I look up at him and point to the door. He walks over and raises the music level on my bluetooth speaker. "What the hell are you doing?"

He steps behind my desk and just stands there and looks at my papers. I turn around, "I think you need to leave." He does not listen and tries to kiss me. I pull back, "leave now." I demand.

He spins my chair around and my breath catches. He won't leave. I can hear my heart beat so loud everything else is just background white noise. He grabs my arms and pulls me out of the chair. I let out a scream and he hits me in the face. He walks over to the door and locks it. I am frozen in fear. I try to will my legs and arms to move but they won't. He walks back behind the desk and pushes me to lean over my desk. I start to whimper because I know whats coming. "No." I force out, but he does not listen. He pushes down on my shoulder blade holding me in place.

He pulls down my scrubs and touches me. When I whimper again he takes the crystal paper weight that is on my desk and hits me in the face with it. Once he pulls off my shoes and pulls the scrubs off, I can feel blood running down my face. I just lay there and let this happen. He enters me and puts more pressure down on my back. He grabs my right arm and holds it behind me. It is all hurting. Everything. I can hear his breath so clearly, and my own heart beat. Then everything fades away. I see the books on my bookshelves and can read everyone of them. I actually have a copy of the Hobbit here. I forgot about that. I see a picture of Brín and I from our trip to the Renaissance festival last year. The walls are so white, so much dead space on them.

He pulls me to a stand and turns me around. Pushing me back down on the desk, I start to cry. Everything comes into focus. The music, his breath, the smell of the air. I want to vomit. I can see him enter me this time and I can't stop crying. "Please stop," I force out. He hits me with the back of his hand where he hit me with the paper weight. It is throbbing.

"You are so beautiful," he says to me and I continue to cry. He takes the scarf that is on filing cabinet behind him and shoves it in my mouth. I can feel everything, I am so hyper focused I start to scream. He puts his hand over my mouth and I can't breathe. I start to panic.

Then everything goes out of focus and I stare at the light above me; it burns my eyes but I can't stop looking at it. It feels like it will never be over. It has been going on for hours. When he stops, everything stops. Leaving the room, he closes the door behind him, and the calm comes over me. I get off of the desk and sit down in my chair. Pulling the scarf out of my mouth and looking around on the desk, I see everything in disarray and knocked to the floor.

I reach over and turn the music down, and see it has only been a little less than an hour. Taking a deep breath everything starts to come back. It rushes and swirls around inside my head like a tornado that won't stop. I hurry to put my clothes back on and put everything in my bag. Running out to my car I avoid everyone.

"Katheryn? What was that? What are you trying to show me Ithilwen?" She forces out a breath, not knowing she was holding it in.

"I didn't mean to show you that. I didn't know what I was doing. It is nothing. Can we just sit here?"

"How do you not even know your own abilities? You are going to tell me what is going on right now!" She stands and looks at me.

"Tauriel I have no idea. I wish I did. Then I would tell you anything and everything. But I do not know. I am sorry." I just put my head in my hands and begin to weep.

"Stop this now. I can not handle all this drama, calm down." She ends in almost a whine. She hands me a small cloth and I wipe my eyes and blow my nose. I look up at her and she has been crying.

"I do not know how to fix this, but I will. I want to be here and live this life. I just. I." I put my thumb and forefinger on the bridge of my nose. "I need a drink."

She walks over to her desk opening a cabinet door, she pulls out a wine bottle and cork screw. "I will get a glass."

When she turns around with the glasses I pop open the bottle and drink from it. I wince at the bitter taste of it, but keep on drinking.

"Do not drink it like that, it will make you sick Ithilwen." I lower the bottle from my mouth and burp.

"I need to be drunk Tauriel, then fall into the great sleep."

"Great sleep? Do not speak in that way Ithilwen. I cannot bare to see you beg for death. I need you. If not for me, stay for Rumíl, Ilowen, even Áudryeil. Your grandchildren!" She is pleading with me. I take a few more gulps before I set the bottle down.

"I don't know what I need Tauriel, but I do know that I need love. I need to feel wanted and whole. My heart has been broken into a thousand pieces and I need someone to mend it." She does not know what to say. We sit in silence until I finish the bottle. I follow my intuition and stand up to leave.

"Where are you going?"

"To bed. I love you." I say it so natural.

I walk down the spiral stairs until I get to a corridor. A long open corridor looks like a bridge. Walking up here we did not take this way, but I go where my heart tells me. Walking across it, I find the trees to be so lovely. As if they were trying to shield me from all the evil in the world. I can feel every essence of darkness here. I keep walking until I reach the end of the bridge. Coming to a small room I take the only opening to the right. I walk through that corridor and find Thranduil standing, looking out over the balcony.

"What a truly lovely night." I say a bit slurred.

He turns around, "Drunk are we?" He lets out a quiet laugh.

"Where is your cloak, and the clothes you wore earlier? I love those most." I say this knowing black looked so good on him. He is now in dark brown clothing.

"Why do you like those most?" He let a wide smile show.

I run my hand along his cheek and trace his dimple with my thumb. "I love it when you smile." I then run my thumb along the lines around his eyes.

"Answer the question Ithilwen." Looking down at me as I close the gap between us.

"They are very." Thinking how to word my next response. I whisper, "they are tighter than the others My Lord." I giggle.

He lets out a chuckle. "Is that so?"

"Can I tell you something else?"

"Yes, Ithilwen?" He is waiting in anticipation.

"I have always wanted to, um. I have always wanted to make love to you while you sit on your throne." I bit my bottom lip. So many times have my fantasies brought me to that. Or rather Brín in the throne.

He raises an eyebrow. "Is that so? We might be able to do that during the Hrive`Isia of the Peri."

"But My Lord, will that not encompass a large feast?" Not sure exactly how I knew that. I know it is like Christmas for them, but not the Peri part.

"They will be away from that area and be in the area with the cypress tree. If that is what you wish to do, then we shall. In truth I have always found that thought alluring." He looks at me with a mischievous smile as he thinks about it.

"Yes, I would sit on top of you." I bring my lips to his ear. "I would guide you inside of me, taking in how you feel as I begin," I place my hand on his waist, "to raise and lower myself feeling the sensation of you." I breath onto his ear.

His breath catches, "Ithilwen, you must not say such things."

"And yet, I speak the truth." He reminds me of Brín in so many ways.

"You still must not say such things." He says sternly. "You are a lady."

"Why? I know these things I say to you are truth. I tell you that I wish to be with you and love you in a way no one else can. Only I can love you this way. Only I can make you feel as though we are the only ones in the world. You make me feel as though you can make me whole again. By just your touch, you repair my soul. You mend it to the point that I can love you in a way that I need. Only you can do this to me." I speak this to Brín, but after my words are finished I feel sad.

"I do not know whether to be touched, or weary that you are drunk and could just be saying such things," he sighs.

"Will you not drink with me?"

"I think you have had enough." He says flatly.

"I have just left the tower."

"I know that Tauriel has turned that into a study. I am glad she found use for it." He turns to look out over the trees. I hear his thought, "oh Itarillé. The night is beautiful."

"This was her balcony?" I take a step back.

"Yes. Ithilwen, it is alright that you are here with me." He steps closer to me.

"I should leave." I then see a vision from times past.

I see his wife laughing and running. She is having someone chase her. "Itarillé slow down." She giggles as she starts to walk backward. He grabs her by the waist and holds her close. Kissing him, she closes the gab between them. Once she pulls back I am able to see his face. Eruadan, I know him from the healing hall. He assists Manwë and also plays music when there are holiday parties. How do I know that? Then it flashes to another meeting with them. "Bond with me Itarillé."

"I cannot my love. I cannot do that to him." I see him place an Elanor flower behind her ear.

"What did you see?" Thranduil asks concerned.

"Nothing, I must go." I turn to leave, but Thranduil grabs my arm.

"Ithilwen, please tell me what you saw. His eyes plead with mine. I can see tears form in his eyes as he already knows what I saw. Damn these torches.

"Itarillé bonding with Eruadan." I say forced. I can feel tears form in my own eyes. "Did you not bond with her?"

He turns from me. "No." He sighs. He speaks quietly. "It is not like I did not try. After our marriage we tried for so long, but it never happened the way it was supposed to. Later she told me of her affair with Eruadan and how she loved him. There is no divorce like other cultures, so we stayed together. After some time, I asked her for a child. Not knowing we could could have one without bonding, it took years of trying, but we did. Just as you did with Erutáron. I loved her more than she loved me. Young elves read the writings of Manwë and think it is just that. Life is not that easy, and even though we were the first race and feel so deeply with one another than any other race, we falter too. I wish Manwë would have told the truth about love. We can not turn back from a marriage, but we do make mistakes even though we are not meant to. You loved Erutáron, but he was not your soul mate. It was the same with Itarillé. When I die, I will not come back to be with her." He stops as his voice cracks.

"You do not have to say more." I feel that the alcohol has left me slightly.

"I do Ithilwen. I wish that I would have waited and part of me wishes you would have waited too. What that man did to you hurt you in many ways, and I will never understand why you chose not to pass on the Mandos after he did such things to you."

"Stop please." The memories rush back to me. What I did and how I felt. I breathe deep. "I tried. I laid there for hours praying that I would leave my body, but it never happened. Thranduil, I have Áudryiel and I would never wish it any other way. Yes, as elves we see love and sex in a completely different light than most do. We find love for all of eternity. You and I both have made mistakes, and I have been through traumas in my life most elves can never move past. I should have waited but Erutáron loved Áudryeil, and I could not deny her a father. I truly believed that I would never have one to completely love and bond with because of the rape. All of these events in our lives have made us, I feel, unloveable. But that is why we love one another. We know the hurt that time puts on us. We are so old and deserve a better life than we have been dealt. Thranduil, I am tainted. I was stripped of my innocence before I truly understood what sex was. After that, most of the community judged me for not giving up my life when in fact I tried so hard to do so. The men did not want to be around me. But all the hate, the fear and turmoil made me a good fighter, though I fight for so many different reasons now."

I guess Ithilwen had all of the things she wanted to say to him. "Ithilwen, I have never judged you, nor will I ever. We see all of these topics in a different light than many, most notably older elves. For years we have not seen sex as something special, just an act." I pause and everything seems to fade away. We are in this space all our own. I feel everything that he is feeling right now. Pain and anguish from our topics of discussion, to the love that is radiating from his heart, which is all for me. Why can't humans feel like this?

I interrupt him, "What we did," he stops speaking. "What we did was not just an act, it was love. We bonded, be it unknowingly but we did. I may have abilities to feel what others are feeling, but no feelings such as these. It is the most intimate, most beautiful moment that I have ever felt with another man."

He leans in and kisses me. He kisses like Brín! I feel him just as if I was him. Every sensation that I feel, he feels and every sensation he feels, I feel. He kisses me slowly, taking me in. I allow his hands to hover over my lower back ever so lightly touching it. I take my hands and rub his shoulder blades.

I pull back, out of breath, "My Lord, I think I should get some rest."

"If that is what you wish."

I want to be held, but I was supposed to be with Tauriel tonight. I turn and leave.

Walking back up the bridge I check the tower to see if she is still there. "Tauriel?" I call out from the stair case.

She is sitting at her desk crying. I run my fingers along her back. I kiss the top of her head. She is like this because of me. This is work. She turns slightly and grabs my other hand. "What do you want me to do? I feel like I do not know you anymore." Pleading with me to tell her how to fix me, how to fix us.

"Nothing, just be here with me. I am in a time in my life when I do not need much but love and comfort. Hold me tonight Tauriel. Help me feel safe." She looks up at me and I lean down to wipe away her tears. She just nods.

We sleep in her chambers as she holds me tight. She whispers, "I am still here."

I awake with a nightmare of Sebastian hurting me. I sit up in bed quickly. "He is here!" I can't breathe and I'm drenched in sweat.

"It is alright. I am here." She says as she rubs my hair. "Sleep, I will still be here." I do this two more times before I stay asleep until the sun comes up through the trees. Even then I will not let her leave. She holds me until I am ready to get out of bed and live my day, but I do not want to live it.


	10. Title Nonexistent

**Note:** This is a poem I wrote from my own life, and because I wrote this at the time of this part of the story, I am adding it. It fit well with how I felt at this time, and what I put in the story. I am finally sharing it with the world. Wrote it the winter of 2017. The most important, pure poem I have written thus far in my life.

Karen E. Pennington.

Big HE, is the man that hurt me/Ithilwen-Katheryn. The little he is my love, whom I cannot live without/Brín, but the poem speaks truth this is truth.

 **Title Nonexistent**

I am but a shell of a woman

Yes, only just a shell

I have been ripped open

for all to see

* * *

Skin cut

Bones broken

The heart that houses my soul,

stolen

* * *

Now blood is dripping onto the floor

which stains his lovely white shirt, that I have bleached so many times before

I will never be able to get that out.

Failure

* * *

He found me

and held me

Even kissed me

I was supposed to be no more

* * *

The universe had a laugh at me

I said "I will do it right the first time."

It's alright, it's funny

You can laugh too

* * *

The separation is supposed to fix us

But it will not

For my spirit was stolen,

Into the blender it went. (crunch, sputter, hum. whimper.)

* * *

It's okay

To laugh at that too

* * *

I was the most beautiful piece of

fragile glass, he had ever seen

But I was dropped

and then cracked

* * *

I was never supposed to be touched again,

I did tell him so.

He did it to try to save me, to put me back together like a mosaic

but he could not

* * *

Now

I am broken

and am but sharp shards

upon the floor

* * *

What he did hurt me

broke my heart,

But what HE did to us

hurt more

* * *

HE took me, took my spirit

The thing that kept me alive

HE took it from us

took what we were

* * *

I will never be the same

HE broke us,

just as HE cracked me

Why must I still be?

* * *

Since there is no mending me,

Why does he still make us try?

I loved him,

do I love him still?

* * *

Love does not conquer all

In fact,

it takes everything that is someone and destroys their hearts.

This is surely known

* * *

Love is much like Eshu and Veles.

A thief of something most dear.

But what HE did

The dark thief, dark as the night

* * *

The one who took me

Cracked me

and then gave a damaged good back for my love to break.

This is what made me a shell of a woman

* * *

But he picked me up,

The one I had loved and in truth

makes me smile

Oh, what a foreign action it is to me now.

* * *

And everything that was me

is painfully broken

But just in case you missed it,

I was also stolen

* * *

My walk in life is to rot

To be just a breather, (just existing).

In a land with thieves and cheaters

Never to hope that one day...

* * *

It is okay,

truly

You can laugh at this,

The universe did too.

* * *

For the only thing that can be spoken

is nothing more than, "I am a shell of a woman."


	11. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight:**

"Let us go to the training room and see what you remember." Tauriel says to me as she sits up on the edge of the bed.

"I am not ready. Just leave me." I say as I put my face into the pillow.

For weeks she begs me to come with her. Thranduil has said training can no longer delay, that he needs me back and Tauriel needs to go back on watch. I do not see much of either of them. Many nights she lays with me in bed but nothing is said and she just holds me.

I wake up this morning to her leaving again only wondering what to do. I walk the grounds some days, write somedays, but I never open the book. I am so scared that what I saw was truth. I do not wish to see Brín, I will hurt so much more. I do find at night, my dreams are about Thranduil. Ithilwen truly loved this man, possibly more than Tauriel. Maybe it was me who loved the idea of her because she is a woman and she can't hurt me like a man can. She will not force me to do anything I do not want to do. But Ithilwen is a completely different person, even though I do not wish her to be. She may be based off of what I wrote, but she is herself in her own right. She loves differently than I thought she would; her heart loves beyond measure. I may be her now, but her feelings are still there, and I keep feeling that there is some tie or bond between Thranduil and Brín. I am not sure.

I brush the curls out of my hair as I do most mornings and stare at the book. I can hear the bristles run through the stands on my hair. What a lovely silver brush with vines on the back of it. I turn it over as I run my finger over the intricate detail and I get a flashback.

Many years ago Thranduil gave her this brush, standing on their balcony. It made Ithilwen's heart smile at this small act. She found out later from Miluiel that he did the same thing for Itarillé. Something that he feels is intimate and sentimental.

I reach to open the book and she is in mine and Brín's room. Everything is the same as when I left.

"Katheryn." I hear Brín say. Where is he? He walks in front of the book. "When did you draw this?"

"What are you talking about?" She walks in clasping an earring to my ear. My fucking ear. I feel my body temperature rise. "Oh this? Yesterday. I will be right out. Go wait in the car for me." Once Brín leaves the room, her demeanour turns sour. "Where the fuck have you been?"

"Such words are not nice." I say flatly at a loss of words.

"I do not care. Do you know what I have been through? Brín put me in the hospital. I did not know what to do. They put me on medicines that made me feel horrible. I want my life back Katheryn, you give it back right now!" She says with a hostile tone and look of intense anger.

"I cannot do that." I say calm. "I have made this choice, there is nothing I can do. I am sorry, I did not know it would make you real and that we would switch places. I only thought she would make this life real and that the other would just simply be gone."

"You have a wonderful life here. A caring husband, and a mother-in-law that treats you like her own. Whether you have your family or not, you have an amazing life."

"Ithilwen, I am not happy. Wait, are you taking that medication?" I stop abruptly and worry that she is putting chemicals in my body that should never go through my bloodstream.

"Only while I was in the hospital. I just told Brín last night that I stopped taking them and he said as long as I continue to go to therapy, which I hate, he does not care. Now finish." She demands.

"I am not happy here, but Tauriel makes me feel loved. And Thranduil, you can just feel it radiate from him. I can feel so deeply that even if it is for a moment in their presence, I am happy."

"If there is nothing we can do then I must stay. I do not like that fact of knowing you created me out of words."

"I did and in all actuality, you are me. I based you off of me because I wanted to be here. I thought this world would make me happy. Turns out, your life has stress too. I can feel everyone's sadness so deeply, it feels as though it is my own. This is debilitating." I sigh and I look down at my fingers as I fidget with them.

"It took years to master. Focus on raising a shield around you to block some of it. But if you do it too much you will block out the positive as well."

"How is Brín?" I ask with my voice cracking.

"Do not think me cordial Katheryn, because anger still fills my heart from your decision. Brín is fine. He says I still feel different. We have not been intimate if you were wondering." She cuts her eyes at me, "not like you. I know that you were high but that is still no excuse." She says forceful and low so no one could hear. She looks at the door and back at me.

"I."

"I am not done talking Katheryn!" She says with reproach. "You deal with stress differently than most. I understand, in fact, I do not wish to be around anyone when most want to talk about their feelings. I need to stay away from everyone and collect my thoughts. You act on impulse when you are overwhelmed. I have also done this, but you are me now. You have much responsibility that you must take control of. You have children and grandchildren that even though they are adults, they still need your guidance. You have a guard to run. You must not falter in anything. If you feel emotional, you go somewhere by yourself. Elegance is evidently what you call it. I do not curse unless I am doing magic or mean it. I do not use magic lightly Katheryn, so think about it, just, just do not do it at all."

"Tauriel knows most of this." I squeak.

"I cannot believe you told her. She would be the only one you can trust in this manner. Many would not understand." She is still very angry and forceful in her words.

"She does not."

"Leave it that way. Now I wish to finish before Brín comes back in here and hears me talking. Smile at everyone, be friendly. You must act like me as much as you can. Brín talks much about these southern, uh," she thinks about her words, "southern things." She rolls her eyes at that word. "I do not know what to call them. Katheryn." I give her my full attention. "DO NOT do them, do you understand?" I nod my head. "You may do what you feel you need to do within the perimeters of ME. I grew up educated and my mother taught me compassion, everyday I was forced to work on it. You must do these things so nothing will happen to you. Elves that are depicted in these Tolkien books obviously are correct, but you must understand most of us are very superstitious. Thranduil especially. Know Katheryn, I stopped going to the services since they do not believe the way I do. Many still try to get me to sing when in reality the only time elves sing in front of others is for religious services. You do what you will in this, but I strictly do not believe." She looks at me for understanding. "I have to go, tonight you will be at this book waiting on me. Is that understood?"

"Demanding are we?"

"Just do as I say. And no more contractions alright?" I roll my eyes and nod my head. She moves and then comes back to the book. "Katheryn?"

"Yes?"

"I am sure you were wondering," she grins wide, "I love Thranduil more, and you soon will too."

When she leaves the room, everything goes quiet. The house is lonely now. I find myself wanting to lay on Brín's side of the bed and smell his pillow. Maybe there is something that can take the place of this feeling. It hurts so much to not be able to do this, as I have done so many times before when he has left for work. I begin to cry now at this thought of never being able to hold him again. What can I do? How long am I going to hide behind this door?

I take off my night dress and work at my corset. I start to cry again because I cannot get it. I let out a frustrated yell.

A knock is at the door and I open it up slightly, hiding my nakedness behind it. "Lady Ithilwen, is there something the matter?" A short woman with brown hair peers at me through the crack in the door. I wish I knew this woman's name, but I don't. "Can I be of any help?" She asks truly being selfless.

"Well, I." I stumble over my words, contemplating whether to ask her to help or not.

"Anything at all?"

"It is just my corset, I will figure it out." I show an embarrassed smile.

"I will help you." I move aside to let her in.

"Turn around." I do as she says. She works at the laces for a few moments then pulls tight. I cannot breathe, I will never get used to these awful things.

I turn around grabbing my stomach. "Thank you." I force out with no breath.

"I would be glad to help you with your dress too, my lady." She looks over at my dress.

"On second thought, I will wear my uniform today. Thank you very much." My embarrassment comes back, as this woman has helped me in a way a friend would but her name evades me.

"Are you sure you are ready?"

I look at her, then feel tears form in my eyes. I sit down on the chair and cover myself with my night dress.

"Oh, please do not cry. Maybe you should just go a speak to King Thranduil before you force yourself back into training." I look up at her and nod. She walks over to my wardrobe, "I think he would like to see you in this bright blue colour."

"Is there not a black dress in there?"

"Yes, there is my lady but I think it best if you wear colours he likes. If you wish to wear a neutral colour, what about this light brown one?" I nod my head in agreement. Once she helps me lace up the dress, she looks at me wanting to speak. After some moments, "Is it true what they say about your memory?" She asks in a whisper.

"Yes." I say with a sigh. "Will you help me with something else?"

"Of course."

"Walk with me to the throne room, please." She nods. I put on my boots and walk with her, all the while following her. From the way we take I can see the waterfalls that flow through the centre of the city. I don't believe I will ever get used to seeing this breathtaking view.

Once we get to the stairs, we part ways. My anxiety fills me more and more with every step up I take. I finally reach the throne room and Thranduil is speaking to someone. My mind screams at me to turn around, but I can't move.

My name fills the air. "Ithilwen." A strong voice says, that demands attention.

I walk up the last few steps. "My Lord," I say forced.

"How are you feeling?" He stands up.

I walk closer to him and smile, "much better."

"When will you be ready to start training again? Many have been asking."

"Soon." People hurry to leave the area. "Thranduil, what happens if I never fully remember things?"

He raises an eyebrow. "Things?" He sighs, "then I must simply remind you." He stumbles over his words, seeming flustered as to not upset me.

I put my shoulders back trying to get comfortable in this corset. "I have remembered much, with the time I have had to myself, but I crave to write and to sing. I do wish to go out into a battle and feel that rush." Which I have been craving for a while, truth be told.

"Then it is time for you to start training again. If you would like, Tauriel can help you. Have Tauriel work with you until you are ready to do it on your own, before we have her go back on watch."

I nod my head. "I am going stir crazy in that room. I must get out and do something."

"Stir crazy? I do find myself that being closed up in my chambers for long periods of time is dreadful. Later in the evening I will send for you and we will share a meal."

"I would be happy to join you My Lord." I turn on my heels looking at the open space of the city. I am completely lost and do not know where I am going.

I walk down the staircase and find one of the guards standing at a doorway. He acknowledges me. I stop and turn to him. "Walk with me to find Tauriel, Rimedur." Yes! I remembered a name. I smile.

"Are you well My Lady?" He asks.

We begin to walk down a hall that I have never been through. I can feel worry from Rimedur. I trained him, Ithilwen trained him many years ago. Hundreds of years ago. "I am well. Where might she be?"

"I would think the training room. I will take you there." We walk in silence until we get to these large wooden doors, they are plain in style. He opens them for me, and it is a very large room with round and people shaped targets. Many people are on mats in the left hand corner of the room and there is an open area for outside practice.

"Thank you Rimedur, that will be all." He nods and leaves.

I did not see Tauriel in any part of the room. A young girl runs up to me. "Ithilwen, how are you feeling?" She asks me. A brown headed elf that is my height, which seems to be short around here, and deep brown eyes.

"Yes, thank you. Where is Tauriel?" I put my shoulders back to seem as though I have confidence. I am their teacher, I must be confident in what I am teaching them? Right?

"Ithilwen, she is outside." I nod and walk toward the open grounds.

Many elves are fighting with swords. Hearing the clapping of the metal brings anxiety to me and I hold in a breath. I see her working with a young woman. "Tauriel." I say sternly.

She looks up at me and smiles. She says something to the woman and walks toward me. "Ithilwen, how are you feeling?"

"I am well." I whisper, "teach me how to create a shield, a barrier to stop feeling what others are. Many are not happy." She nods. I am so tired over hearing people ask me that. If I wish to tell them, then I will, otherwise, I wish that they would quit asking me.

"Elenion," she calls, when he turns his attention, "take over for me and help Mirima. I will be back tomorrow. You can end training early if you wish." He nods and walks outside.

"We will need to be in a quiet place."

"Take me there darlin'," I smile.

She looks at me strange for a second then places her hand on my back to start walking. I follow her to a quiet part of the city. There are very little people in this area, in fact I have only seen four. On a balcony, she takes a seat on the ground and rests her back against the wall. I do the same.

"Count your breaths and calm. You know how to meditate. You know how to do this."

"I know, just guide me please." I say short.

"Breathe slowly, in and out, in and out." I cut my eyes at her and she is looking at me. I giggle. She smiles, "Breathe." I do as she says. I close my eyes and breathe until I feel the world fall away. It is nothing but me in the world, and I can no longer hear her instruction. I have not felt this clam before. Elves seem to have more of an ability to do these things. Wait, I hear something. It is just my heart beat. I try to focus again. There is another one, but very faint.

My eyes shoot open. "Tauriel am I hearing your heart beat?"

"You should not be, what are you hearing?" She lays her hand on my thigh, leaning to see my face.

"I hear mine, but I hear one very faint that even though it is strange, it is very comforting." She places her hand on my stomach and closes her eyes.

"Ithilwen," she breathes out. "You are with child."

"I am too old for children Tauriel." The lore said they do not have children at this age. Usually before they hit their thousandth year.

"Evidently Ithilwen, it is possible. Have you been intimate with Thranduil?" She swallows hard.

"Yes."

"You cannot be with child." She shoots me a panicked look. "You both have been married, others will not understand," her breath catches.

"What do I do Tauriel? Please tell me, I am scared. Am I not too old? Won't I have complications?" I can't breathe.

"I do not know Ithilwen. I do not know any Elf to have a child at your age. You need to tell him right now. I do expect he will not be too happy." She grabs my wrist and pulls me up along with her.

"I pull back. I can't do this. Please don't make me do this. Please." My breath catches and can't let it out. CANNOT, CANNOT ,CANNOT! You have to remember!

"You must." She drags me down the hall a ways until we get to an area with people. "Tûrin, where is King Thranduil?"

"I believe he is with council. I have not seem him for quite some time. Ithilwen are you well?" The blood rushes to my feet.

"Yes." I know him, he is. He is Ilowen's husband? She has three children, Elenion, oh he is my grandson. Nellethiel and Vornwë. Beautiful children, now grown. He nods his head and walks away.

The door to his council chambers is open and Tauriel sticks her head in. She waves her hand for me come to her.

"Tauriel, is everything alright?" Thranduil asks, looking up from his parchment. I walk in behind her. "Leave us." He waves his hand for the other council members to leave. One of them closes the door behind him. "What is it?" He gets up from his chair and walks over to me. I won't speak. "Someone speak!" He demands.

"There is something she needs to tell you My Lord." Tauriel forces out.

I turn my face away from him. "I am with child." I mumble.

"Ithilwen, speak to me with respect." This time there is reproach in his voice.

I snap my head back around to him and just watch his eyes for a moment. He is not filled with anger, but more worry. "I am with child My Lord."

He does not know whether to smile, or to frown. "Are you sure."

"Are you questioning my assurance?" I am little upset.

"No Ithilwen, if you say you are with child, then I know you are." He sighs.

"I am too old, I do not know what to do." Wait, if I am pregnant, then Ithilwen might be as well. Oh Brín. What a stupid thought Katheryn.

"I do not know. This is not something that should have happened. There has only been one Elf to remarry so I do not know if that would be possible in my case."

"I do not care." I raise my voice. "I do not want to have a bastard child."

"Ithilwen, watch your tone with me." He demands with a look of annoyance.

I stop him short, "No. You cannot go by tradition. We sure as hell have not. We did this and now we need to fix this. Unless I lose this child, which I can not bear to lose another one, YOU will make this right. I will not have a bastard child." I say angry with a force that scares me.

He is at a loss for words with how I spoke to him. His face softens, "You are right. We cannot have a bastard child. We will figure this out." He lowers his head in defeat.

I turn to Tauriel, "breathe." She lets out the breath she was holding in.

"Ithilwen, you must not train until after the child is born." She says with a saddened voice that gives me the urge to wrap her in my arms and tell her I am sorry.

"I cannot do that. They will know I am hiding something." I say almost in a whine.

"In truth, the child is a bastard, since we were not married before we were intimate," Thranduil interjects.

"What are you saying? Can we not fix this?" Tears begin to fall from my face to think how others will see us, see me, see the King.

"You must marry," Tauriel interrupts.

"No, that is not going to fix anything." I am so reluctant to cheat on Brín again. If we marry we must consummate the marriage. This is on Ithilwen, not me. Damnit, I wrote that they had sex, so I guess it is on me. FUCK!


	12. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine:**

I have not spoken to Thranduil in over a week. My anxiety is so bad, I do not wish to see anyone. I have went to their library, which is not very big. Seems like parchment is truly hard to come by. I read the writings of Rúmil and learned a lot about the culture. I still do not wish to follow this trend. I do not wish to marry Thranduil, but I have no choice if this child will be accepted into the world.

"Ithilwen," I whisper.

She turns the lamp on and picks up the book. She has trouble keeping her eyes open while taking the book down stairs. "What?" She asks as she places the book on the kitchen counter.

"Can you do me a favour?" She sighs. "There is a test in the bathroom. It is in the closet somewhere near my make up. It is white and pink saying EPT. There is a white strip that you pee on and then place the top back. You bring it down here when you are done." I beg.

"You want me to what? You have refused to talk to me in over a week and now you expect me to urinate on something. Are you insane?" She looks as if she is disgusted by the request.

"Just do it." I demand. Minutes later she comes back. "What does it say?"

"It read T." She reads out the letters.

"You are with child Ithilwen." My voice cracks and I begin to cry.

She breathes deep, "I do not want a child with Brín."

"I am also with child."

"You are what? No, you are mistaken. We do not have a test like yours to confirm it."

"I heard two heart beats. Ithilwen I. I am with child." I look down at my hands then back at her.

"Then you must marry Thranduil." She says with so much sadness, as if she truly feels hurt.

"I do not want to. I will have to consummate the marriage, and I will not cheat on Brín. Even though I was with Tauriel, it is still different. " I tried to reason with myself even though it was a lie.

"Katheryn, you must do this, it is our way. As far as Brín is concerned, he is cheating on you."

"You do not know this to be true. You are just angry with me. Stop lying," I say still crying.

She just shakes her head. "You are so oblivious to the fact he is not as good as you think. You were raped and had a miscarriage, and then you were comfortable enough to love him while he was seeing someone else. He comes home many nights during the week drunk, smelling of perfume that is not yours. Go to Thranduil, he will be very caring with this. You know Katheryn, I got the shitty end of the this."

"Shitty?" I raise an eyebrow, "Ithilwen, I told him this morning. He was very receptive to the news and said we will figure out how to make this right. I am scared to be around him because he is so intoxicating. I can feel the love he has for you radiate from him." I say a bit panicked.

"Katheryn go to him now."

"Katheryn? What are you doing up?" Brín asks sheepishly.

"I am still not talking to you!" Ithilwen snaps back. I hear nothing else from him and assume he left the kitchen. "Please do as I ask. Go to him. At the very least, let him hold you. I sense you have not had very good sleep."

I don't understand. I never noticed anything. Maybe he. Maybe? I sit here and cry because I know I did this to him. I guess would not be with him because of everything, maybe he feels sorry for me and now he is cheating. What is wrong with me. I knew from the being that I did not deserve him and now I have truly lost him. "I deserved this." I say through tears.

"Katheryn, stop all of this. No one deserves to be cheated on. No one. You were raped and had a miscarriage. Many would not be able to handle a miscarriage much less rape. You get to remember it everyday and that is horrible. A horrible existence. I know all too well. I do not care if he was drunk, he is the bastard that should have to bare the lose you and his baby. I should leave." It seems she is actually angry for me, when I can only feel like it is my fault.

"I cheated on him too Ithilwen." I say through my tears.

"You cheated on him because you were manic and intoxicated. Maybe it was not an excuse but when it comes to mania, you can not really control those impulses." She tries to console me through a book, but she cannot. It hurts so much.

"You need to tell him."

"Be at the book tomorrow night. I will confront him then. Katheryn, remember this: you are worthy, you are beautiful and no one can ever take your spirit from you. You have been through so much, which has made you strong. Trust yourself." I look up at her and wipe my tears. "You can do this. If you want to come back for this child, then we will try to figure it out. I am giving you this choice. If the Goddess did this for you, she might give you another chance to raise your child." I smile at her because she warms my heart.

"I do not know what I want, but I am angry and my heart is torn even more than it already was. Tell me what to do please." I feel like a child that is backed into a corner and has been through a battle that has lasted for years. I am defeated and my life may never be whole again. I'm not sure that it ever was.

"I cannot tell you what to do Katheryn, but I can tell you that this is something I can handle at least for right now. If you decide to come back, then I will get you through this part." I watch her place her hand on the book as if she was trying to comfort me. I look at my hand before I place it on top of hers. It actually feel warm to the touch. I can feel her!

"Katheryn, why are you talking to that book?" Brín comes up behind her looking at me.

"This is what you have driven me to." She naps at him.

"That is not fair," he raises his voice.

"You want to do this now?" That tone, those words in my voice sound so harsh. This is what Brín has been hearing? Ithilwen takes the book and follows Brín.

"No, Katheryn I do not want to doing any kind of arguing at three thirty in the morning." She places the book back down.

"Well, were gonna do it!" She yells at him. Gonna? It makes me smile.

"Katheryn, what do you want from me?" He sits down on the edge of the bed.

"The truth. You have been lying to me for months." I see her fists tighten, just as mine do when I get angry.

"What have I been lying to you about? "He starts to raise his voice.

"How about the fact that you are A CHEATING FUCKING BASTARD THAT."

She is interrupted by Brín, "I AM NOT GOING TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW!" He stands up to walk into the bathroom.

"Who is she. Who is she Brín. That perfume you wear currently is not mine! It is too sweat." She is even starting to tear up. Is this what happened? Do we become more and more like the other person. Will I become her?

He stop and looks at her. I remember him talking to me about a new woman at work. "Britney," escapes my lips.

"Britney?" Ithilwen says low, almost like a whisper.

"Yes." Brín finally looks down at the pregnancy test in her hand. In disbelief he says, "what. What does that say?" He gets chocked on his words. She hands him the test as she turns away from him. As she leaves the room, I am left with Brín. His face makes my body act. I want to reach out and touch him. He sits on the bed looking at the test and starts to cry. My heart hurts to see him like this. No matter how much anger I have inside for everything, I just want to go sit on the bed and hold him. Tell him everything is going to be okay and we will figure this out. But I can't, I'm another world away.

I think about kissing him to reassure him that I still love him, but I see him with another woman. I imagine a blond haired whore that talks so soft and loves to flirt with touching. Anger fill me again. I know what I must do.

She comes back in the bedroom pointing to the spare bedroom across the hall. He lays the test on the bedside table and takes his phone. Looking at her again and waiting for her to speak, when she does not, so he walks out.

"What flower do I give him?" I know what I must do and tears fall from my eyes once more.

She stops for a moment to get her bearings. "In this case, I would give him an Elanor. It is a yellow star shaped flower, meaning sunstar. It will mean so much to him. There is a small patch of them in the east of the forest many miles from the elven road. When you get to the elven stone statue, walk until you find a large hill and turn right. There you walk until you find eight trees, making an odd shaped circle and you will find them. You must do this alone." I can tell she has wanted to do this for so long and now I have to do it. Her eyes fill with tears.

I breathe deep, "Very well. I'm gonna do this, but I will take the book with me."

"If you must, but take your knifes. Hopefully you will remember how to use them."

"I will leave now." She nods at me.

I take a small brown, wooden box with me. I make it to the stone statue marking the elven road. Even at my own advisement, I decide against taking the book. I walk until I find the hill she speaks of and turn right. Sometime after I walk, I run up onto three men and they just stare at me in the way a man should never stare at a woman. I try to walk around them, but they corner me.

"Stay away!" I demand.

"Hello beautiful." One of the men say. "What is an elf maiden doing around these parts by herself?" They are of man. I roll my eyes.

He back hands me in the face for that action. Holding my cheek, I am so afraid of rape. Ithilwen could not allow her soul to go to Mandos, how will it be any different this time? All three grab me, pulling me to their cart attached to their horse. Some innate drive forms from within me, and takes over. I quickly unsheathe my knives that are on my back and begin to swing with clumsiness. Just in pure fear. I swing until my arms get tired.

Once I stop, I see the destruction that I have caused. Body parts have been flung everywhere, with blood staining the ground, which will make the soil poisoned forever. Arms and legs have been severed along with one of the mans heads. I walk over and pet the horse to try to calm my own anxiety. The horse trusts me a lot. Must be something with her abilities. I unhook him from the carriage and ride him to the trees that she described. The flowers are so beautiful. I take two just in case the journey back will cause me to lose one, but in fact I make it back with both. The guards acknowledge me as I walk in. I tell them to put the horse in the stable.

I search for Thranduil for hours until I decide to wait in his chambers. Miluiel is cleaning. "I wish to sit here and wait for Thranduil," I say startling her.

"Of course My Lady." With that, she nods and continues cleaning.

I pace the floor of his chambers as I wait for him. I feel silly doing this. I feel almost out of place and embarrassed for doing so, but it seems to elevate my anxiety slightly. I watch the sun change position, which I have been learning how to tell time, roughly. "Ithilwen, what a surprise!" He sounds shocked.

"My Lord, I wish to give you something." I show him the box.

He waves for me to follow him. As he closes the door behind us that is to his bedchambers, he asks, "what is it Ithilwen?" He looks down at the box in my hand.

"This is for you My Lord." I smile, all the while having fear in my heart for rejection, and my regret for Brín.

He opens the box and just stares at me. His eyes glimmer as if he wanted this for so long. "Yes." I take one of the flowers out of the box and place it behind his ear pulling his hair over top of it with uncertainty. I don't how to do this. He laughs at me before pulling me into an embrace. Kissing me with so much passion I feel as though we are one, but only for a moment.

He slides his hand down my back before pulling away. I just smile at him. "Thranduil, I have wanted this for so long. I wish you had always been mine." I try to think of something to say. I remember the first time I met him. Standing there with his wife before the war. I knew I needed him then. Wait not me, Ithilwen needed him. I hold my forehead, what is wrong with me?

"I saw you walk up to my throne the first time I met you. You were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Only making me regret my decision with Itarellé. The night she told me she was bonded to someone else, it hurt me in ways I do not even understand."

My face turns red with embarrassment. "I am sorry, please do not speak of the past. Live in the moment." He embraces me until my legs feel weak. I feel my baby move, even though it is not old enough to. The baby knows its father. "I love you." I say before I realise I was going say it.

"I love you, Ithilwen."

"Will you hold me tonight? I think it will help me sleep." He nods his head, handing me one of his night shirts. Putting it on, I watch his eyes as they are taking in my every movement. Eyes getting wider as my dress falls to the floor. I feel shame and ugly, but I allow him to. He undresses and puts on another one of his night shirts. Laying down next to me, he holds me so tight. I have never felt so safe. Not even with Brín. Do I just feel this way because of what Ithilwen said, or is this real?

I awake when it is still dark. Looking around, the fire is almost out. I put a couple of logs in the fireplace and poke it with the poker. I did not know Thranduil got up until he places his hand on my arm and speaks softly, "come back to bed." I look up at him and anxiety fills me because he is not Brín. I made this decision and I can never get him back. He must be enough. He has to be.

"I do not wish to go back to bed Thranduil. I am not tired."

"Very well, I will go lay back down."

"Wait," I say as I grab his wrist. He turns back to me.

"What is it?" He places his hand on my cheek.

"Can we just talk? There are so many things I have forgotten and I would like to remember." I smile at him as I sit on the couch.

He follows suit. "What would you like to know?" We sit for hours talking about my life and his. Things Ithilwen should remember but I don't. I can tell Thranduil is getting frustrated with having to answer questions about her children, and past wars and battles. I start yawning. "We should lay down."

"I guess." I sigh.

"You guess what love?"

"Nothing. If that is what you would like to do, but we have laid down for many hours. I found you here when in was around the fourteenth hour in the day. You were so tired." He turns to look out the window.

He stands and pulls me to follow him and I allow him to take me to bed. Sliding back under the covers, and him holding me, I feel so warm. So loved. "Thranduil?" He pulls me closer. "Do you have any sleep pants?"

"Sleep in pants? Are your legs cold?" He asks as he runs his hand from my ankle to my hip, causing bumps to rise on my skin. I let out the breath that I was holding in. He reaches down and pulls another cover over me. I turn over and nuzzle my head under his chin. He feels like Brín. Feeling light touches on my back, I gasp at each new sensation. Listening to his heart beat, I feel a calm wash over me and it takes all my worries and anxiety away. It is just him and I.

"I am cold. Winters here." I stop to think about my words.

"Winters here are what Ithilwen? Cold?" He chuckles into my hair.

"Yes Thranduil, they are quite cold. Will you hold me closer?" I ask as I mumble into the pillow.

"I can do something even better!" He says low and husky. Feeling his warm breath on my neck makes me shiver.

He pulls away from me and kisses my lips ever so softly, brushing them as if he istaking in me. My arousal grows as he runs his finger tips along my exposed skin.

This is the first time I truly wanted to feel him for myself and it is not because Ithilwen's body remembers or screams for his touch. To know Thranduil as Ithilwen did, seems wrong and yet it seems right somehow. He is something that I have never had, someone who has been in my fantasies for some time. I have wanted to feel his touch since I met him in the forest. The one thing that I cannot understand is that when he touches me, he feels so familiar. So… As someone I trust. He kisses like Brín, he holds me like Brín, he even in some odd way feels like him.

I fall into his embrace as if he know how I like to be touched. I need this, I need him to love me to make me forget the world. Even though the fire is lit, his room is so large that it is dark near his bed, and for tonight he is Brín.


	13. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten:**

I awake to an empty bed. Slowly opening my eyes as the stone walls come into focus. "Brín!" I say as I quickly sit up. It seems we did not sleep very long, since the moon is the highest in the sky.

"What? Who is Brín?" He asks as he stands from his desk.

"It is nothing. I am sorry."

"Did you get enough sleep?" He sits down next to me.

I lay down wishing this could make sense. I do not understand. I love Brín, but I choose to love Tauriel and Thranduil. Why? Did I not love him to begin with? I did, I know I did. I get her and him. Ithilwen does get the short end of the stick. Should I be happy? "How do we do this? Is there something we must do to make the marriage happen?"

"You have been married before, do not be so obtuse Ithilwen." He looks at me in disbelief.

I began to remember, "because neither of us have parents still living, do we do the rare custom of saying vows to one another without feast? What if I do not believe in the Era Ilúvatar?"

"Why would you not believe?" He asks as he brushes my hair away from my face.

"I spoke to Tauriel about what I believe and she said that it seems I place Manwë and Varda as the God and Goddess." I say in hushed tones afraid he will get upset.

"If that is what you believe, then so be it. You are right in assuming we cannot have a true feast. What we must do is speak our vows to one another and exchange rings. Maybe we could try to do it traditionally and I have Legolas at a feast and you bring someone. Either way you will be made queen." He says assured.

"I do not want to be queen. Can I not just be your wife?" I whine.

"That is not how this works Ithilwen, if you are to be my wife, then you will be my queen." He looks at me as if he is confused. I let out a sigh.

"Will you make my rings silver even though they must be gold?" How did I know they have to be gold?

"If that is what you wish." It as if he is in defeat and there is nothing he can do but accommodate my wishes.

"Why do we not do a simple hand fasting?" I ask knowing I do not want the guilt of being married in the name of their god when I do not believe in him. It is as though I suddenly developed tunnel vision, it is only him, and he is the whole of existence. "I want to have this child with you because I love you. There is no need for all of this formality with tradition. We have already broken tradition by sharing one another's bed outside of marriage. Why do we not have a simple dinner with your son and my daughters to make our betrothal known. Our ceremony can simply be our vows for one another."

"Then that is what we will do. Once the dinner is held, the word will slowly move around the city…"

I interrupt him, "I. I need to go." With that I get dressed and walk out of the bedchamber.

I begin to feel anxiety creep into every crack and crevice. I don't know what I want. I want him but I also want Brín. He cheated on me and I still want him. And yet, I still want Tauriel. What the fuck is wrong with me. I should have died. I can't do this. If I can't be me, how can I be Ithilwen? This is too hard.

I hurry to my bedchambers to see if Ithilwen is at the house. "Ithilwen." I call out. "Ithilwen? Please Ithilwen," I whine and start to cry.

"Katheryn, I do not whine. Stop all this nonsense." She says as she is trying to reason with me.

"I can't do this. Tell me how to do it. Please." I continue to cry.

"YOU have my baby inside of you. Stop all of this drama right now." She raises her voice.

"Ill carry it to term, but please tell me how to do it. I can't live with myself for what I have done to all of them. To Brín, Tauriel, Thranduil. To you." I look down, "to me."

"I cannot tell you what to do. But what I will tell you is that you cannot kill yourself. You messed up becoming what you wanted, but in the end, still wanting to die." She says sternly.

"I know." I whine as I put my hands in my lap.

"Katheryn, you have got to stop this. You have to. It will take hundreds of years to die a slow, lonely, and painful death, filled with turmoil that will encompass every part of you until you are but a shell that will make your soul nothing. You do not want that." I can hear her voice crack.

"I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE." I yell at her. "I go through the thought killing myself everyday. Whether to take everything in the medicine cabinet, cutting my wrists that will probably stain his shirt again," a pain hits my stomach, and I feel like I am about to vomit. " Or taking out his gun from his lock box and shooting myself while he is at work." I know he is not supposed to have it in Ireland, but he does, and never questioned him. "I FEEL IT EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY, ITHILWEN. Nothing is going to fix what I did. NOTHING." I am so angry at her; I want to go through this book and hit her.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?"

"I KILLED MY BABY!" I can't breathe.

"What did you do Katheryn?" I see her eyes widening as she waits for my answer.

"A week before the miscarriage I went out and drank so much. I had a manic episode, and know that I am not blaming it solely on my mood, but I may not have done everything that I did if I was not. Brín does not even know. I drank so much, on top of using coke and molly, I woke up next to a woman that I didn't know. I may not remember, but I know I cheated with multiple people. I killed my baby, I am a murderer. There is nothing more to live for. This baby inside of me, inside of you should never be raised by someone like me. Neither of our babies. SO YOU TELL ME RIGHT NOW HOW TO DO IT." I scream at her with all the anger I have in me.

She falls backwards onto the floor. "Katheryn, what is wrong? Why are you on the floor?" Brín walks in rushing over to her.

She looks at Brín with the most emotionless expression, "I want my life back."

He kisses her cheek, then brushes her hair back, "You do, you have your life. We are about to have a child."

"No, Brín, the Goddess gave Katheryn a choice."

"NO, Ithilwen, please don't tell him." I beg.

"Katheryn? You are Katheryn." He says tearing up.

"No, the Goddess Bridget gave her a choice of this life or middle earth. She wanted to run away from this world because of her anger and sadness. When she made it real, she had to put my spirit somewhere, so she stuck me in Katheryn's body. She got mine." She peers up at him like I used to do when I needed him to believe me, when I wanted him to still love me.

He grabs her arm to pull him up, "I am going to take you to the hospital."

She jerks away, "No. I am telling the truth. You said you knew me but you did not know me, that I felt different. This is why. I am not Katheryn." When he moves to get up, "Do not take me there. I do not want to go." She begs him.

"Im not. You can stay, but I will not be privy to this fantasy that you believe." He has been defeated. He hurts and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Do I want to? I killed my baby and we both cheated on one another. What do we have left? I don't know why he is still trying. He gave up the day he cheated on me, just as I gave up the day I lost my baby. At the time, I did not know I was pregnant, but I still did it. If I was on medication, my moods would have been stable and I would not have done that. But I did. There is nothing I can do about it now. We both gave up, so there is nothing left. I'm done trying. I was just trying to stay alive for him, but I was only staying alive, not living. I need to love to be happy, and deep down I know that is no longer possible. I was only feeling what Ithilwen's body and mind feels.

I am nothing but a shell with anguish that hovers above me like a cloud in a cartoon that rains on someone. I'm done. I close the book and throw it against the wall. I'M DONE!


End file.
